Don’t hate me because I made a New Years Resolution. It’s not like me, I know. I don’t like trite, inspirational phrases, and I don’t believe in New Years Resolutions.
Do people think there’s someone somewhere who doesn’t want to “live, love, laugh?” I want to live, love, laugh. But no one’s amusing me right now, Goddammit. Why is no one amusing me? Or, what about the saying, “Just breathe?” And then what, motherfucker? Turn right back around to all the problems you’ve been dealing with, which is the reason you can’t breathe in the first place? Or the best: “Live Simply,” which you’ll usually find printed on a bumper sticker attached to the back of a shiny, new Hummer. As if anyone anywhere except for maybe an agrarian society or the indigenous people of the Amazon are able to abide by this adage. As if we all don’t have mortgages and student loans to repay. Believe me, I want to live simply, but my kids, various doctors’ offices and the mortgage company are making that rather difficult for me right now.
So, no, I don’t typically see the point in making New Years Resolutions. Except on occasion. The occasion being when things have gotten so out of hand that a change is imperative to keep you for losing your goddamn mind.
The thing is while I smirk at these simplistic, overly enthusiastic bits of advice, I realize I need them. I need to adjust my frame of mind. But perhaps I need the positive phrases packaged in a more cynical and sarcastic tone to really embrace and internalize them. I want to be positive. I just have a really difficult time with that.
But I’m trying. Which is why I drew up a New Years Resolution this year. I’ve needed it for some time, but with the new year approaching, I figured it was as good a time as any to make it official. I’ve written all about it on Romper so if you want to see how I plan to make some positive changes without losing my cynical edge (and you can, too!), go on over and take a look. Plus, I included a really awesome gif in there of a cat maniacally typing on a laptop. It’s my spirit animal.
Don’t forget. If you like this you will love my book, I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. For a good time get it on Amazon, Kindle, iTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever.