What Every Mother Really Wants for Mother’s Day

To be childless.

It’s that simple really. If she’s been with the kids 24/7 for the past 2,190 days, give her a day off. Allow her one day of peace and quiet. She deserves it, and really it’s not all that much to ask.

Don’t bother with the flowers or the perfume or the heart-shaped jewelry on Mother’s Day. They don’t rank high on her list. Don’t even bother with breakfast. The best thing you can do for the woman you love, the mother of your children, is to grab the raucous bundles of non-stop frenetic joy and hit the road. Make sure you’re up at the crack of dawn to intercept the kids just before they barge in, shrieking, “Happy Mother’s Day,” and dive bomb the bed where your wife was – until that very moment – blissfully sleeping. Let the woman get a full eight hours. She’s been going on a solid 4 since the birth of your first kid six years ago.

What Every Mother Really Wants for Mother's Day
Doesn’t she look happy? It’s because she doesn’t have kids.

Pack up your kids and go. No one cares where. Just go. Take them to the park, the racetrack, the corner bar, the nightclub, wherever. Just bring them back alive, and I promise you there will be no questions asked.

I’m not really sure how this isn’t the way Mother’s Day is actually celebrated. It seems to me that if the whole purpose of the day is to celebrate the woman who keeps this three-ring circus running non-stop continuously and for perpetuity, the best way to express appreciation for all she does is to allow her a few hours off. Because the celebration part gets a little lost if she’s still doing all the work she normally does.

What Every Woman Really Wants for Mother's Day
Doesn’t she looked relaxed? It’s because she doesn’t have kids.

So this Mother’s Day celebrate mom by going away. OK? That’s the best gift anyone could give her. But don’t forget to come back. She’s bound to be hungry by the end of the day, and she’ll be expecting dinner. After a good 12 to 15 hours she might also miss her family. The time alone will give her the perspective she needs to appreciate the most important people in her life, and of course she’ll want to open the homemade gifts of wagon wheel pasta necklaces and stick figure portraits because really that’s the best part of the day.

Ladies, if you’ve got a better gift idea, I’d love to hear it, but I sincerely doubt anyone can top this. I’d also love to  know what the best Mother’s Day gift you ever got was because kid gifts are the best. Mine was a wagon wheel pasta necklace circa 2005.

Tweets That Make You Go Hmm

Easter Bunny
He’s mocking me. I know it. Who does the Easter Bunny think he is? Photo credit

Holidays can be tough.

Easter

Thank you, Jen. At least somebody has the sense to say it. I mean Christmas was only three months ago. Do we really need another holiday?

I remember when my first child was two, and my friend whose daughter was the same age started talking about having another. I was like, “I just had a baby. I’m not ready for another. In fact, I won’t be ready until this one is out of the house.”

That’s why I’m declaring all holidays and babies bullshit!

Continue reading “Tweets That Make You Go Hmm”