Twitter Tuesday: Funniest Parenting Tweets #623

I know I haven’t done a Twitter Tuesday in about 56 Tuesdays, but give a blogger a break. I’ve been busy. I’ve been working away on the book, and it’s been taking all my time, and I’ve wanted to quit about 1o hundred thousand million times but then what? I’d have to get a real job and at this point I really have no employable skills. And the proposal was done and then it wasn’t because I had to shift focus a little, which meant revising the proposal and I just wasn’t that into it because, God damn, I already did the proposal once and shouldn’t that be enough? But it’s not enough. It’s never enough, and I still have to rework the proposal, but first I have to do some research, and meanwhile I’m working on a chapter that just won’t end and is written all backwards so I have to flip it, but it’s not as easy as it sounds because I can’t just cut and paste and swing my arm out toward the computer screen and say, “Voila, it’s done,” because it won’t make any fucking sense because you need transitions, people, transitions. Do you know nothing about writing? And transitions, it turns out, are a pain in the ass so after working for two weeks vomiting up this crappy, indecipherable chapter, I now have to rearrange the whole damn thing into something that is somewhat coherent, but that’s the thing. There’s no guarantees it will be. None. I might spend the next week completely rearranging it just to find out the new order makes no sense either. Do you hear what I’m saying? Because I don’t think you do. It’s sheer and utter lunacy, and I’m only on chapter 6. That means there’s another 9 more chapters of this agony to go, and I’m really not sure I’m going to make it. You know what the worse part is? The worst part is reviewing your work at the end of a long and frustrating day and hating every single word you’ve written. That’s the worst part, and it happens to me pretty much every day.

Anyway, that’s what’s been taking my time if you must know. Plus, I did have one of my essays published in a book (more on that below).

But I did take some time out to go on the Twitter lately. Not a lot, but in the short time I was on I read so many funny and worthwhile tweets that I  said, “I simply must do a Twitter post.” It was just the right thing to do. So I collected them here so we could all have a good laugh. Normally, I try to form some sort of theme or logical story out of them, but this time I said screw it. It’s late, we’re all tired and I’m pretty sure no one reads my little story, anyway. You’re all just here for the tweets. I know that.

Funny Parenting Tweets

I want to start out with one of my favorite twits. I think you’ll like her, too.

Talking about feeling great…

The interesting thing about kids is they are so very versatile in the ways in which they can be jerks.



They don’t need books. Just give them sesame seeds.

Well, maybe they need one book.

On that note…

Maybe do this.

Totally worth it.

Maybe The Glad Stork can help him out.

Until next time, people.

If you like this, you’ll love, I Just Want to Be Perfect, the fourth book in The New York Times best-selling series. It doesn’t have any tweets in it, but it is funny. And, I’m in it. What more could you ask for? Get it on Amazon or Barnes & Noble or order a signed copy direct from me: info @ onefunnymotha (dot) com.

Twitter Workout

Gym Workout
That’s me! Photo credit

As you may or may not know I began the first day of the rest of my life yesterday. After months (years?) of bemoaning my lack of a firm schedule and feeling inefficient and unproductive (or at least not as productive as I could be) I finally said to myself, “Self, you need to get your ass to the gym pronto!” Enough complaining. Make yourself a schedule already and stick to it. So I did.

I resolved to go to the gym Monday mornings. Mondays will be my designated gym and laundry day (among others – I just haven’t figured them all out yet). It will also be my designated shower day.

It’s a start.

But I just had to check in on Twitter first.

Continue reading “Twitter Workout”

Power Auer

Behold: The iPhone 5

You know how I’m into words? Real words, long unpronounceable words, utterly well-mannered yet offensive-sounding words, words that make you seem smart, even completely made-up words, which deserve a rightful place among the streaming lists in the Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary?

All of these are the reason I started my Learn English Twitter Campaign, which eventually evolved into Word to Your Motha Wednesdays. But I felt that wasn’t enough. No, I thought I could do more. I thought I could stretch my word posts beyond their logical limits. And that’s when my twit and blogger buddy, Kerstin Auer, over at Auer Life tweeted this:

That is certainly worthy of an award. But since I hold no official power at Merriam-Websters and since I have no award-granting authority, I instead propositioned Kerstin with writing a guest post for me. I thought that would be reward enough. So today I present you with a very special guest post:

Continue reading “Power Auer”