Tweetpeat Tuesday: Funniest Parenting Tweets #596

Funny Parenting Tweets

 

 

It was really good, too.

Now I spend my time like this:

 

 

Soon I won’t be walking, though.

 

 

Or a scooter.

 

 

Whatever, they’re idiots.

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Tweetpeat Tuesday: Funniest Parenting Tweets #595

Funny Parenting Tweets

So this happened

 

What a disappointment. I think I would have cried. Unless…

 

 

I wonder if she was in a minivan.

 

 

I took my minivan (just kidding I don’t have a minivan because they’re hideous) and dropped my kids off at their aunt’s house for an extended visit.

 

 

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Funny Parenting Tweets #592

Funny Parenting Tweets

 

It’s Tuesday so you know what that means. Well, you probably don’t since I haven’t done Tweetpeat Tuesday in forever. But I’m doing it today so quit your complaining. I can’t be expected to be on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest all at the same time, can I? I suppose I can since I’m a blogger, and bloggers are supposed to be posting on all social media all the time forever. Which is hard for me. I’m doing the best that I can, ok? I was brought back to my Twitter roots last week, though, and I rounded up yet more sage parenting advice from the world’s premiere source. So listen up.

For example: 

It’s strange how drastically your life changes after you have kids.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not get get ahead of ourselves. We need to scale back on our ambitions a bit. Let’s just hope for naps.

This may help in reaching that goal.   

Although it won’t stop this…

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A One Man Tweeting Machine

One Man Tweeting Machine

photo credit: merfam via photopin cc

Today, on this very special Tweetpeat Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I want to give thanks to someone near and dear to my heart (and Twitter feed), Simon Holland. Through his insightful observations in the form of 140-character missives, he has brought joy and levity to the world. And, that’s what the world needs now more than ever. So I’m doing something I don’t ordinarily do. I’m dedicating an entire post to one twit, Simon Holland. He’s a one man tweeting machine and one of the best tweeple I know.

*Shivers ripple through the conference room.*

That’s what happens if you eat one of those. Whenever I see those commercials, which start around now, I always wonder how Werther’s is still in business. Seriously, have you ever once seen anyone buy or eat those things? Exactly. And, I have to ask, at some point wouldn’t their whole customer base die out?

Speaking of a dying breed…

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Funny Tweets on Kids #567

As much as we all have kids, who’s idea was that? One day was someone like, “Oh, I know! I have a great idea…

Get away from me you filthy, disease-carrying parasites!
Do you know how filthy that ball pit is? It’s one big petri dish, people. Photo credit: ~suchitra~ via photopin cc

Why do kids have to jump in ball pits? And touch you? Repeatedly? Why can’t they just stay way over there where they belong?

 

I also don’t know why kids have to cry all the time. It’s annoying. 

Seriously. What’s their problem?

Next time just leave them with the sitter.

Where was she when my kids were young? It was impossible to find a good sitter.  

Why do kids suck so much? Why?

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Funny Random Tweets

I’m devoid of all order, rhyme or reason today because sometimes that’s just how life is.

Not bad for 80, right?

 

But I have some good tweets for you today because I found my new favorite tweeter, and you will too because he’s featured below. But first we must start with my tweets because it’s my blog, and that’s how this works.

Oh, who am I kidding? It is all about Kitty. Well, Kitty and Joan Rivers. At least the other week it was. I wanted to post this tweet then, but I thought it was too soon. Now that a couple of weeks have passed, I feel I’ve waited long enough. 

It’s damn funny, and I think Joan would’ve agreed. I love Joan, but, man, did she have a lot of plastic surgery. When you’re in show business I image the pressure to look young especially for women is enormous, and I could see getting a little nip and tuck, but by the end Joan couldn’t even move her face. It was a little spooky.

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Funny Tweets on Kids #549

Kids don't come back
The other week on the first day of school after I dropped my kids off, I rushed back home to my beloved computer to tweet all about it. I said I was doing a Jig of Joy at having gotten rid of my kids and that “Jig of Joy” was gonna be trending – just watch. I even turned it into a hashtag. #JigofJoy.

But it didn’t trend. And that makes me sad. What the hell, people? That’s a great hashtag. People the world over could use it to share their tales of euphoria at finally sending their kids packing or anything else that would be cause for a #JigofJoy. Like this.

If you found one you’d do a #JigofJoy, right?

 

And this:

If his kid would just shut the hell up, the parents would be doing a #JigofJoy.

And this…

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