This week’s list started out kind of random, but then I notice a pattern – a vague, loose pattern but a pattern nonetheless. Hey, I don’t see you coming up with any twitter lists so pipe down. The list starts out with battle of the sexes tweets and goes into dental hygiene, which may as first glance not seem related, but listen. If you don’t have good dental hygiene, your chances of gettin any lovin are severely diminished. See? I just related it.
Married sext: I made dinner. You can too when you get hungry. — Jersey (@Rhythms_n_Booze) May 31, 2015
Ah, little love notes. I miss those days.
Before I got married I didn’t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge — Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015
What the hell? Is he an idiot?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I was on vacation last week and off the internets for five glorious days. I gotta say it was pretty nice. The weather was perfect, the ocean crystalline, the waves phenomenal. And I’m a little sad now just thinking about it.
So I haven’t been bringing my A game to the blogosphere, but we all need a break sometime. To make up for it and to thank you for your patience and undying loyalty, I’m gonna start off with a bang with these hilarious tweets on marriage.
No woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes. fact. — Ms. Pussycat (@PussycatPlace) June 22, 2014
Did you hear that? Fact. Think about it. It has to be. Personally, I’d never shoot my husband while he was doing the dishes.
I’d wait till after. (Just kidding. I’d never shoot my husband.) At least, I wouldn’t shoot him and write about it on the internet. That would be dumb.
Here’s another fact for ya because I like to spread knowledge.
Me- Did you know that 41% of households don’t have a landline phone? Her- Is that what you do now? Repeat back stuff I told you yesterday? — Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) July 12, 2014
My husband does that to me all the time. Then he claims he said it first. Which can lead to arguments. But, guys, I have some helpful advice for you when you’re having a disagreement with your lady.
How do you end an argument with a woman? Tell her to calm down. You’re dead now but the argument is over. — sara (@SomthinBoutSara) February 18, 2014
Give me a break. I just moved, and I had to let the people know about Perfectly Popped popcorn so that their popcorn would never get burned again. That’s important! Anyway, Tweetpeat Tuesday, Tweetpeat Wednesday. What’s the difference? Other than Tweetpeat Wednesday doesn’t have that alliteration ring to it, which is the whole reason I started Tweetpeat Tuesday in the first place. But a funny tweet is a funny tweet, and it deserves it’s own day of the week no matter what.
After a brief (unintentional) hiatus from Twitter (I would never leave you, Twitter. You know I love you.) I came across some pretty funny tweets last week that I would like to share with you now in no specific order or organizing theme because who has time to organize their thoughts anymore for Pete’s sake?