Word to Your Motha: I’m Gonna Kill Him

Perhaps I should have employed the homework umbrella.
Perhaps I should have employed the homework umbrella.

 

Ok, so that’s more of a phrase than a word. Don’t hassle me. I already have kids for that.

As usual I have no words for today, BUT I did have many, many words on Facebook yesterday so I took a screen shot to post here. Again, don’t hassle me. There’s nothing you can say that’s worse than what my kids have already done to me.

 

FB HW

Here’s what the people had to say:

 

FB HW 2
I know it’s a long shot, but a girl can try.

Not bad advice, right? But given everything that was going on, I feared the Xbox penalty might push him over the edge, and while Crazy can be maddening, he’s genuinely good kid. When he makes mistakes, they are typically honest mistakes. He’s not trying to lie. It’s just being a kid, he doesn’t feel the need to check anything that might provide him with the correct information.

You can't get mad.
You can’t get mad. It’s impossible.

 

So he gets to keep Xbox for now, but he bound to mess up something else this week.

What do you do? Take away all the Easter candy? Kill him? What?

Like this? Find even funnier stuff in I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. What I’m trying to say is, I’m in this book. Buy it, ok? Available on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever. 

Word to Your Motha: Rampage

Do you know how long I looked to find a tasteful, topless picture?
Do you know how long I looked to find a tasteful, topless picture? Photo credit: maxwelld candids via photopin cc

Last week I posted this most spectacular story from Gawker, which I just adore, on Facebook (follow me for even more fun). When I noticed not that many people saw it, I said to myself, “This really needs to get some more attention.” So I thought we’d take a more in depth look at the article here.

When I posted it, I’ll admit I didn’t even read past the first line of the article. I didn’t need to. That first line was so unbelievably brilliant it told me everything. “A Florida woman wearing nothing but a thong rampaged through a St. Petersburg McDonald’s…”

It wasn't this kind of thong although weraing nothing but these thongs would be disturbing too.
It wasn’t this kind of thong although wearing nothing but these thongs would be disturbing too. Photo credit: Kai Hendry via photopin cc

The headline was pretty good, as well. “Topless Florida Woman Wrecks McDonald’s, Pauses to Guzzle Ice Cream.”

I particularly like the use of the word, “guzzle.” You don’t hear that word nearly enough. And in this case, juxtaposed with “topless” it really works. It creates a slightly discordant yet vivid image.

But what I really caught my attention (aside from the topless) in the article was the word “rampage.” I think we have to ask ourselves, can a topless woman really rampage? And how much rampaging can a topless woman do?

I’d like you all to ponder that, and get back to me in comments.

Must say according to these Daily Mail photos, it does look like she did a fair amount of rampaging. Just when I thought it wasn’t possible.

Word to Your Motha: More Cute Words Made Up by Kids

It’s time to play more cute words made up by kids that should be integrated into the English language because kids are pretty good linguists.

My son is famous (well, not famous famous, but famous in our household) for making up words. He’s not trying to make them up. He just comes up with words that sound like they should be words. And he’s right. They all make sense.

Like worser. He’ll say, “I feel worser today than yesterday,” and when you think about it, it’s perfectly logical. He’s following the typical grammar rules only in this case they don’t apply.

The same goes for “more downer.” If I’m scratching his back, but I haven’t hit the right spot, he’ll say, “Can you scratch more downer?” To which I say, “Why, yes, I can scratch more downer.” His meaning was clear.

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Word to Your Motha: Salubrious

Doctor

photo credit: Laura4Smith via photopin cc

My kids went for their annual check-ups yesterday, and I am happy to report they are both salubrious. Which means I’m a good motha. Whenever I leave the doctor’s office and especially the dentist’s office (because do you know how hard it is to get two kids with oppositional defiance disorder – i.e. ALL kids – to brush their teeth?) with a clean bill of salubriousness, I always feel I should get a gold star. Although a trophy would be better. I don’t know why they’re giving out trophies to kids all the time. Oh, they hit a home run. Big deal. Try getting your kids to brush their teeth twice a day. That merits a trophy. 

Anyway, I had this word tucked away for a rainy day so last night when I was desperately trying to come up with something to write about, and I took to scrolling through my drafts praying I had a pre-written piece just waiting to be posted, I came across salubrious. I was saddened to find it wasn’t already written (damn it, why couldn’t the work be done already?). But at least I had something to work with. And, it was the perfect word for right after a doctor’s appointment and also for when you have nothing else.

Salubriousadj. 1. healthy, health-giving, beneficial. 2. Pleasant, agreeable.

Other helpful related words: salubriously, salubriousness. Not to be confused with salutation although you could give a salubrious salutation. In fact, I insist all salutations be salubrious.

The doctor was salubrious (as in the second meaning of the word), and my kids were salubrious, too, which is important because if you don’t have your salubriousness what do you have? Still something bothered me about the appointment. 

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Word to your Motha: Exiguous

Pretty much my life's savings.
Pretty much my life’s savings. Photo credit: EJP Photo via photopin cc

When I was reading the dictionary the other day, I came across many, many fine words. Sometimes you just get lucky. And, today I share one with you. Don’t be greedy. There will be more words next week. Plus, how much can you realistically retain a day? Sometimes when I’m reading the paper I come across words I’ve defined on my blog, and I say, “Ooooh, goody! There’s one of my words,” quickly followed by, “I wish I could remember what it meant.” 

Someday when my kids are grown, I’ll be able to remember stuff again.

For now I give you…

exiguous – (ig zig you us) adj. Scanty, meager, small. Example: The money I make blogging is exiguous.

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Word to Your Motha: Frustration

It's like I'm dealing with this only my kid is 11.
It’s like I’m dealing with this only my kid is 11. Photo credit: Meer via photopin cc

I know everybody knows the meaning of this word, but I want to take a moment to fully explore it, to give it depth and richness, a real palpable sense, which I think can only be done by demonstrating what it’s like to do homework with my son.

This week Crazy has a Social Studies test coming up because he always has a social studies or science or math test coming up. He literally has 3 tests or quizzes or even something dubbed a quest (which is in between a quiz and a test – for when quizzes and tests just aren’t enough) every week. Since I got the heads up early enough, this time I had him start studying over the weekend. This ain’t my first rodeo, and I know he needs all the time he can get to prepare. I didn’t want to get caught like I have in the past studying a whole chapter’s worth of material on the one night before the test. So Sunday he read the chapter, Monday with all his other homework he only had time to go over some vocabulary and last night he was studying over the study guide. Only with Crazy that means he was literally studying the study guide – not the material the study guide was guiding him to study. He has the full outline memorized and can recite verbatim the Roman numeral list of topics he’s supposed to know only he doesn’t know a damn thing about them. He only knows Section II, Topic A is Lenape Indians. What about them is anyone’s guess. 

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Word to Your Motha: Marmoreal

If that's not marble, it's some marmoreal substance.
If that’s not marble, it’s some marmoreal substance. Photo credit: -Reji via photopin cc

Now here’s a word with infinite uses.

Marmorealadj. Of or like marble.

I mean when can you not use this word? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a situation, say in a quarry, searching for just the right word. If I had known marmoreal then do you know how much time and energy it would’ve saved me? There’s always next time.

The thing about this word is I always read it as mamoreal, which it makes me think of mammary glands, which actually would be a good word for a parenting blog, which is probably why, when I spotted it in the dictionary, I said, “Oooh, mamoreal. What does that mean?” But, no, I didn’t go that route because for one the word doesn’t mean that and for two I’m more than just a parenting blog. I’m an educational blog. (Will that attract more readers?) I think I really ought to go with the kitty blog idea. In fact, Mr. Potato Head and I are now shooting videos of the kitties, and I’m gonna start posting them. The internet was made for cat videos. It’s the only thing that really interests people. 

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A Special Word to Your Motha for Valentine’s Day

People kissing

Does this look a little familiar? No, it doesn’t because I never posted this before in my life. Ok, I have, but there’s aren’t enough words in the English language for me to do another clever Valentine’s Day post so this is what you’ll be getting every Valentine’s Day from here on out. Deal with it.

I’m just trying to be realistic. This is the blogging equivalent of the actual holiday. Every Valentine’s Day, tell me you don’t get the same stinking box of mystery-filled Russell Stouffer chocolates (what is orange creme?) and boring red roses. You don’t complain then, do you? Didn’t think so, so stop giving me a hard time.

Plus, after a year I figure you forgot what the word means anyway. I forget the definitions of all words I post on Word to Your Motha, and I wrote them. Think of this as a refresher course.

Now I give you, last year’s Valentine’s Day word. Enjoy, again.

I searched high and low for a word to tie into this whole Valentine’s Day nonsense coming up in a few days. I’m not really fond of  holiday posts because I feel like the market is already saturated with them, and I don’t play that. I can do better. I have to. I owe it to the people.

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Word to Your Motha: Vertiginous

Polar Vortex
That’s a vertiginous air mass if I ever saw one. Photo credit: NASA Goddard Photo and Video via photopin cc

You might recognize this word from it’s cousin, vertigo, and you’d be right. The two are related, but when vertigo just isn’t the right word for your statement, the English language offers an array of vertigoish words to choose from. Select your word, and you’ll be on your way to sounding smart in no time.

Vertiginousadj. 1. Whirling or spinning; rotary. The vertiginous action of a top. 2. Affected with vertigo, dizzy.

When vertiginous isn’t enough we also have the noun form, vertiginousness, and, perhaps a little superfluous but for the sake of variety, we have another adjective, vertiginously. 

Can’t tell which one is my favorite. They’re all so much fun to say if you can get them out of your mouth. I’m not sure how much use there is for these words other than at Chanukah dinner, but then at least there would be 8 days of vertiginous fun. You can probably get in a lot of “vertiginous” sayings in 8 days.

“Mom, mom, mom! Watch my vertiginous dreidel spin.”

“Mom, look how vertiginous my dreidel is.”

“Mom, my dreidel spun more vertiginously than his dreidel, right?”

“No, mine is more vertiginous!”

“Boys, stop arguing. Both tops are very vertiginous.”

“But mine is more, right, Mom? Right?”

“I can’t verify the vertiginousness of the tops. They both looked the same to me.”

“NO!” the first boy screams, stomping his foot. “Mine was betterrrrrrrrrr!”

“That’s enough,” says the mom. “This conversation is giving me a headache. I’m beginning to feel the same way I did when I was in the doctor’s office and got the news I was pregnant with you boys. As soon as she said ‘twins’ the room seemed to tilt and spin and immediately I got a vertiginous feeling. I thought I might just drop straight onto the floor.”

Like how I fit all the forms into sentences? Not bad, right?

And, just recently, the new weather phenomenon, the Polar Vortex, has broken the opportunity to use these words wide open. The other day The Kid asked me what “vortex” meant, and like I’ve said before, I knew what it was but had trouble explaining it. If only I had known about vertiginousness then, I could have said, “It is a vertiginous cold air mass sweeping the country and making life miserable for everybody.” I mean has there ever been a better word to describe a Polar Vortex?

Now, your turn. Use vertiginous any way you want in a sentence below. You will be graded.

Word to Your Motha: More Words that SHOULD be Words

Last week or the week before – who can remember? – I brought you words that should never, under any circumstance be words. But I’m no radical extremist. I can appreciate a new word or portmanteau (come back next week to find out what portmanteau is) every now and then. If it’s a good one, and I shall decide if it’s a good one or not thank you very much. Why doesn’t Webster’s consult me?

So today I bring you more words that should be words based on my highly unscientific methodology: I like em.

Like this.

Evenly in Speech therapy

Because it’s so darn cute. I don’t care if the speech therapist has to work double time to get this kid to speak properly. And Crazy has a point. “Evenly” should be a word meaning actually or even though evenly if it’s not. It just sounds right. My kid is a genius! A genius, I tell you!

Crazy also likes to say “more differenter.” And that, too, makes sense when you think about it. For example, “His picture looked more differenter than the one he drew yesterday. Or, “Mom, your hair looks more differenter today.” Or, “Mom, you look more differenter when you are dressed instead of in your pajamas.”

Bad Hair 80's photo
My hair usually looks like this in the morning. When I’m getting ready for softball. (Sorry, person who is in this photo, but this picture was priceless.) photo credit: ang.d via photopin cc

Eventually, I get it worked out, though.

Bad Ratty Hair
I am ready for a day out. State fair here I come! photo credit: greenmelinda via photopin cc

Crazy has also been know to say “by accidentally” quite frequently, and alternately, “by purpose.” And, I’m not correcting him. He can say that until the day he goes to college and someone makes fun of him. I don’t care. It’s too cute.

What words do your kids say that are too cute you refuse to correct them?

Like this? Find even funnier stuff in I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. What I’m trying to say is, I’m in this book. Buy it, ok? Available on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever.