Listen I try to be kind. I really do, but the kids put my patience to the test. And sometimes I can’t hold my tongue any longer. The first day of school was one of those times. It’s exactly like this:
I’m in physical pain, people. And I have to let it out.
Another time I was in too much pain to physically endure it in any longer? This.
The other day on the last week before school started, as we were driving home from the store, I was doing my best to engage The Kid in some lively, Kid-centric, light-hearted conversation, and she was being a total pain in the… I’ll leave the word out but it only has 3 letters.
I’m doing Tweetpeat Tuesday on Wednesday. Because I can. First rule of Blog Club is there are no rules in Blog Club. Ok? You can do whatever the hell you want. Which is kind of why I like the internets. Who wants to be hemmed in by rules?
But we have a lot of ground to cover so let’s get right to it, shall we, with a little tip from me to you.
Helpful Tip: If you climb into a pen w/ a giraffe be prepared to be kicked in the face by the giraffe. — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) August 19, 2014
Remember that. It’ll come in handy someday. If you’re ever visiting a zoo and have the urge to crawl into a cage with a wild animal. Did you hear that story last week about the woman who squeezed her way into a giraffe’s cage? I have to say anytime I hear about something like that I think, Well, they got what they deserved. I mean if you are stupid enough to climb into a tiger cage or a polar bear exhibit or the home of a well-meaning giraffe, you deserve to be mauled or kicked in the face or eaten alive. The bars are there for a reason, people. Did the fact that the animals are in a cage not raise any flags?
First allow me to start off by wishing you and yours a very merry holiday.
I’d just like to take a moment to wish everyone a happy Nation Dance Day — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) July 26, 2014
Ok, that was last month, but still. Did you guys know that “National Dance Day” was a day? I’m all for dance – in fact I love to dance – but unless we’re all gonna get a day off to go clubbing, I think it’s time we called an end to naming everything it’s own Goddamn day. Kk? Our morbidly obese nation doesn’t need a National Pancake Day or a National Potato Chip Day or a National Crown Roast of Pork Day. Seriously. That’s a day. The only problem is I wish they could have been a little more specific.
There is the more general Poultry Day, but that only makes me ask: Does anyone really need to be reminded about poultry? “Oh, yeah, chicken. I totally forgot all about chicken.”
I also question the need, and even more so the desire, for a National Frozen Food Day. Have people ever rejoiced in a cold, hard slab of frozen grey meat? Is frozen food a cause for celebration? “Here, Honey, I got you a Hungry Man dinner for National Frozen Foods Day! I hope you like it!”
Certainly, we don’t need National Donut Day as if the donut has fallen into disfavor.
Granted, National Dance Day is a healthy and happy holiday, but I still don’t understand why we have it or what it’s for or what it’s suppose to accomplish. In my research of all stupid, made-up holidays I also found many other interesting, non-food related holidays. There’s National Pharmacist Day. Huh? International Dog Biscuit Appreciation day. Wha? National Handwriting Day. Purpose? National If Pets Had Thumbs Day (Ok, now that one we need). And, National Squirrel Appreciation Day. ??
I was on vacation last week and off the internets for five glorious days. I gotta say it was pretty nice. The weather was perfect, the ocean crystalline, the waves phenomenal. And I’m a little sad now just thinking about it.
So I haven’t been bringing my A game to the blogosphere, but we all need a break sometime. To make up for it and to thank you for your patience and undying loyalty, I’m gonna start off with a bang with these hilarious tweets on marriage.
No woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes. fact. — Ms. Pussycat (@PussycatPlace) June 22, 2014
Did you hear that? Fact. Think about it. It has to be. Personally, I’d never shoot my husband while he was doing the dishes.
I’d wait till after. (Just kidding. I’d never shoot my husband.) At least, I wouldn’t shoot him and write about it on the internet. That would be dumb.
Here’s another fact for ya because I like to spread knowledge.
Me- Did you know that 41% of households don’t have a landline phone? Her- Is that what you do now? Repeat back stuff I told you yesterday? — Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) July 12, 2014
My husband does that to me all the time. Then he claims he said it first. Which can lead to arguments. But, guys, I have some helpful advice for you when you’re having a disagreement with your lady.
How do you end an argument with a woman? Tell her to calm down. You’re dead now but the argument is over. — sara (@SomthinBoutSara) February 18, 2014
I know it’s a little early to be talking about school and stuff, but I’m just envisioning my near future. As much as I’d like to trash the hotel and get drunk on the mini bar (although that’s awfully expensive; they’d really be better off going down to the hotel lobby), going to Costco is about as glamorous as my life gets. Actually, if I was being completely honest in my tweet, I would’ve said, “school drop off to Shop Right,” but I needed it to rhyme, and if you stretch “Costco” out while you’re singing it to the tune for “Fancy,” it fits. Like this, “CostcOOowhoaOwhoaO-O.”
Alas, it’s still summertime, which means I’m not going to Costco and…
Don’t have anything planned for today. Guess my #kids will be annoying me for the next 12-14 hours. — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) July 28, 2014
But, then, on the glorious, wondrous, all-knowing Twitter I saw Qwertygirl’s genius idea.
Give me a break. I just moved, and I had to let the people know about Perfectly Popped popcorn so that their popcorn would never get burned again. That’s important! Anyway, Tweetpeat Tuesday, Tweetpeat Wednesday. What’s the difference? Other than Tweetpeat Wednesday doesn’t have that alliteration ring to it, which is the whole reason I started Tweetpeat Tuesday in the first place. But a funny tweet is a funny tweet, and it deserves it’s own day of the week no matter what.
After a brief (unintentional) hiatus from Twitter (I would never leave you, Twitter. You know I love you.) I came across some pretty funny tweets last week that I would like to share with you now in no specific order or organizing theme because who has time to organize their thoughts anymore for Pete’s sake?
I know I’ve found a good tweet when I read it over again a day later, and it still makes me crack up as if I’m reading it for the first time. It’s like two for the price of one. Which is great because I’m a blogger, and I’m broke.
Below are those tweets. Here’s hoping they bring you as much joy as they’ve brought me. Over and over again.
I’m at my most gangsta when the minivan is packed with my posse, that radio is cranked, and we ain’t even caring about Target’s speed bumps.
Can’t you just see the gold minivan bouncing slowly through the Target parking lot with Macklemore at the wheel in a thrift shop faux fur leopard print coat? And they’re jamming to The Wiggles. That’s what I picture anyway.
Let’s get right to it, shall we? Because I really don’t have time to talk.
How do you get 200 Canadians out of a pool? Say “Please get out of the pool.” — DrunkBuddha (@PieChord) January 4, 2014
You gotta hand it to those Canadians. They really are some polite folk. You know what those Canadians would never do? Make up words. Because that’s not right.
People who make up their own nonsensimical words and phrases really tick my taco. — Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) April 24, 2014
Actually, a Canadian would probably say that exact thing. In fact, I bet Steve’s a Canadian. Still, I’m in total agreement with Steve. Some words should be words and some words just shouldn’t, and I think I’ll decide what’s what.
I’ll also decide proper spelling.
Alright, who put 2 “u’s” in “vacuum?” Just fess up now & nobody gets hurt. — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) March 12, 2014
I mean who does that? What kind of jerk thinks that’s funny?