Funny Parenting Tweets #582

Funny Parenting Tweets #582

  And who hasn’t? Of course if they would just listen…    


I’m thinking of getting a big mouse suit. If it will help, I’ll do it.

Of course, had I just taken debate class in college I might not find myself in this position.


    That’s why we need a parenting university. There’s so much we need to learn.        

That class would fill up in a hot second. You can’t even unwrap a pack of gum without your kids hearing it from three rooms away. What they don’t hear is your instructions to directly to them when standing in the same room. But now there’s a solution.  

  Can’t wait to try it.  


Not at all. I’m sure no one needs it more than she does.

Except maybe me.


    Which is why…    


The funny thing is it’s not because they were annoying me at that particular moment. That thought actually came to me last Friday night as I was watching my son’s Tae Kwon Do lesson. Sitting there it came to me. Wine just would have made the whole experience a lot more enjoyable, you know? 

But there are some things not even wine can fix.



I’d like that answer, too, if anybody has it.

Maybe say you have ebola?

And, finally, because it’s funny:

I can’t think of a better reason, really.

photo credit: Gummy Bears via photopin (license)

If you like this you will love my book, I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. For a good time get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever. 

Best Tweets of the Week. Or Month. Or Whatever. But Hey They’re Funny.

Funniest Tweets




You know what else is the truth? This:


  The other 25%, it’s meat.       

  Staying on the subject for a minute…   


Or, you can always do take out.


  Unless you can’t leave… because kitties.    


You know how kitties are. How am I supposed to leave with kitty meowing at me like that?

I’m glad I went, though, because like Moody Monday, I had a lot troubling me.


  What the hell. Why wouldn’t you want to be my friend – on Facebook, I mean?     

  What needs to be said that can’t be said on Facebook? Just messages me, OK? You know what else I love? This:      

  I guess that’s why you see so many people just standing around in a daze. Which is my special talent.    

  I’m so good at loitering. I’m also good at some yoga moves like…  

  Because I keep trying. Like my friend says…   

  But don’t worry. Boyd has some good advice. 


Tweetpeat Tuesday: Funniest Parenting Tweets #596

Funny Parenting Tweets



It was really good, too.

Now I spend my time like this:



Soon I won’t be walking, though.



Or a scooter.



Whatever, they’re idiots.

Continue reading “Tweetpeat Tuesday: Funniest Parenting Tweets #596”

Tweetpeat Tuesday: Funniest Parenting Tweets #595

Funny Parenting Tweets

So this happened


What a disappointment. I think I would have cried. Unless…



I wonder if she was in a minivan.



I took my minivan (just kidding I don’t have a minivan because they’re hideous) and dropped my kids off at their aunt’s house for an extended visit.



Continue reading “Tweetpeat Tuesday: Funniest Parenting Tweets #595”

Funny Tweets on The Battle of the Sexes Round 2

Funniest Tweets

This week’s list started out kind of random, but then I notice a pattern – a vague, loose pattern but a pattern nonetheless. Hey, I don’t see you coming up with any twitter lists so pipe down. The list starts out with battle of the sexes tweets and goes into dental hygiene, which may as first glance not seem related, but listen. If you don’t have good dental hygiene, your chances of gettin any lovin are severely diminished. See? I just related it.

Ah, little love notes. I miss those days.  

What the hell? Is he an idiot?

Sounds like he needs to check the new Safety Commission guidelines. 


Or just go around like Bangers & Meh.

Me too, Bangers & Meh, me too. And it’s not even because I’m afraid I put food back in the fridge the wrong way. It’s just a general, abiding sense of dread that accompanies me wherever I go. Continue reading “Funny Tweets on The Battle of the Sexes Round 2”

Funny Parenting Tweets #592

Funny Parenting Tweets


It’s Tuesday so you know what that means. Well, you probably don’t since I haven’t done Tweetpeat Tuesday in forever. But I’m doing it today so quit your complaining. I can’t be expected to be on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest all at the same time, can I? I suppose I can since I’m a blogger, and bloggers are supposed to be posting on all social media all the time forever. Which is hard for me. I’m doing the best that I can, ok? I was brought back to my Twitter roots last week, though, and I rounded up yet more sage parenting advice from the world’s premiere source. So listen up.

For example: 

It’s strange how drastically your life changes after you have kids.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not get get ahead of ourselves. We need to scale back on our ambitions a bit. Let’s just hope for naps.

This may help in reaching that goal.   

Although it won’t stop this…

Continue reading “Funny Parenting Tweets #592”

Tweetpeat Tuesday: Funny Tweets on Kids #578

Funny Parenting Tweets

Yes, kids are easy targets, but that’s what makes it so much fun. So let’s get to it shall we?


She gave birth, didn’t she?

Ah, the joys of parenting.

Oh, hells yeah.  

Which is why…

I mean isn’t that why we send them to school? Learning’s nice and all, but don’t we parents deserve a break? Especially when this happens: Continue reading “Tweetpeat Tuesday: Funny Tweets on Kids #578”

Tweetpeat Tuesday: Men Vs. Women

I will get you

Twitter really breaks things down to the essential truths. Which is why I like it. There’s just so much you can learn from Twitter.

Here I present you with the essential guide to men and women expressed in 140 character truths. I think this should be required reading for couples getting married like this post should be handed out at Pre-Cana or something.

For instance engaged couples should know…

Oh, I know exactly what you did on the third Tuesday of November 2003. Don’t think I don’t. And I’m still not over it. I may never be. Which may be why… 

But it’s not like women are the only ones at fault. I mean listen to this.

Continue reading “Tweetpeat Tuesday: Men Vs. Women”

Tweetpeat Tuesday: Best Parenting Tweets of the Week

The Only thing

You think it’s so easy coming up with funny tweets. Well, it’s not. I do a lot of research, people. This morning alone I just read over 200,000 tweets to come up with this. You have no idea how exhausting and frustrating it is to scroll through that many unfunny tweets. But do you care? Do you? Oh, you don’t want to hear me, you just wanna tweet.

I know, right? I don’t know what the hell people are complaining about.

I loved The Devil Wears Prada, but I bet this one will be more accurate.

I believe that’s every child’s mission in life. And, also to to destroy your home.

That’s a genius idea. That has money-maker written all over it.

Continue reading “Tweetpeat Tuesday: Best Parenting Tweets of the Week”

Tweetpeat Tuesday: Because it’s Been Too Long

It Felt Good to Dream


Guys, if you’re like me you’ve missed Tweetpeat Tuesday. But all that’s about to change. I’m bringing tweets back! Because nobody should have to go without good tweets. So here in no particular order or definable theme I give you 140-character nuggets of joy:



Tell me about it.

Then from my new soul sista:


It’s all good, guys. I love boys in barrettes. They look so cute when they’re all dolled up. When Crazy was little (before he could fight back) we used to put clips in his hair. Now, my kids are older and have to think for themselves and all that nonsense and won’t listen to anything I say. But, to address that I’ve come up with a new, fail-proof system of dealing with them.



For reals, y’all. #HowMomsDo 

You know what else is good parenting? This:

Continue reading “Tweetpeat Tuesday: Because it’s Been Too Long”