Just Say No to Vaginal Weightlifting

I tried to ignore this when I first saw it come across my Facebook feed, but it seems I am unable. I need to weigh-in on the subject of vaginal weightlifting. As with so, so many other things brought to us by the internet to which we need to just say no like naked yoga and micro bikinis and sex with your iPad, we must raise our voices again in protest against vaginal weightlifting.

Do women not have enough nonsense to contend with? We are perpetually bombarded with messages to have flatter stomachs, smaller waists, bigger chests, tighter butts, plumper lips, smoother skin. Now we’re being told even our vaginas need fixing? If you wanted to make your vagina tighter my friend got some good results out of skin pro tighening gel.

Holistic sex and relationship coach and self-described vaginal weightlifter, Kim Anami, is behind this most recent ridiculous trend to make women feel they’re not measuring up and in need of constant improvement.

Vaginal weightlifting: Just Say No. By @OneFunnyMotha

When you first “Meet Kim” virtually, through her website, she poses an essential question: “My vagina can lift coconuts. Can yours?”

Um, no. Then again that’s not really a goal of mine. Anami claims this vaginal weightlifting is the key to empowering women, connecting them to their sexual power which in turn helps them to harness everything they want in life. Because, of course, the only way for women to get what they want in life is through sex or use of their sexuality.

According to the site, vaginal weightlifting, which appears to be basically doing Kegels while household objects are hanging out of your vagina, has a host of benefits. It strengthens the pelvic floor, eliminates incontinence, and purportedly enhances libido and intensifies sexual pleasure.

If you’re asking, “But how do you hold household objects with your vagina?” The answer is easy! Just find a stone, Anami uses a jade egg threaded with a string just like the ancient Taoists used to do, which she inserts into her vagina and then attaches whatever she has lying around – pineapples, chandeliers, small pieces of the Berlin Wall – to the string dangling from her groin.

If you're asking, But how do you hold household objects with your vagina? The answer is easy! Click To Tweet

Just say no to Vaginal Weight lifting. By @One Funny Motha

Anami, who by the way gave herself that name, which is a Sanskrit word meaning the unnameable one or the highest plane of God, not to be too self-aggrandizing, has been practicing this ancient Chinese secret for 20 years. (I don’t know if technically chandeliers are part of the method. I’m thinking not since I don’t think chandeliers date back 5,000 years.) She likes to call it vaginal Kung Fu. Kung Fu being the intense study to develop mastery over something. In this case your vagina. In a video she explained, “So it’s when you immerse yourself so deeply in something that it reveals it’s internal mysteries.”

Anybody else catch the double meaning?

Anami believes this intensely personal training teaches women the power of the vagina. But I think we already know its power. Women give birth. There is nothing more powerful than that. Suspending pineapples from your innards really can’t compare.

But I think we already know the power of the vagina. Women give birth. There is nothing more powerful than that. Suspending pineapples from your innards really can't compare. Click To Tweet

Still, Anami insists, “This method creates an articulate, sensitive and strong vagina.” A vagina that can speak for itself!

“This is what I use to lift various pieces of furniture and tropical fruit.” Naturally.

She goes on to assert a “masterful vagina ought to be able to move furniture.” I never thought of it that way. I do consider mine to be pretty masterful since I’ve birth a child, but I’m not certain it can move furniture. To be honest I’ve never really tried, most likely because moving furniture with a vagina would never occur to a sane person. Can you image how long it would take to move a couch like that?

But that’s not all a vagina should be able to do. Anami also raises this philosophical question on her site: “Can you shoot ping pong balls with your vagina?” She then comforts women by assuring them that if they can’t, they aren’t alone. Oh, thank God! I was worried for a second. She goes on to report, “99.9% of women haven’t mastered this essential life skill.” Essential. Life. Skill. I don’t know how essential this life skill is given I’ve managed at least 40 years without it, and I’m still breathing. Sure, maybe it would have come in handy in college during a game of beer pong, but other than that, I’m not really clear on the practical applications. Is it a skill I can put on my resume?

For Anami, genital ping pong ball blasting is elevated to an art form, one she’s incredulous doesn’t take place the world over. The “art of vaginal ping pong ball shooting, for example, is simply unheard of in these parts.”

I can’t imagine why. She continues, “Yet in many South East Asian countries it is a popular sport.” I know I’d like to order up my tub of popcorn, grab a seat in a stadium and watch a good match.

Although I hate to say it, you really have to go check out her site. She loves to pose all decked out with fruit hanging from her nether regions. On the main page I think it’s a pomegranate or maybe an apple, which when you’ve been photographed suspending coconuts or doing backbends while clutching a bunch of bananas with your lady bits, is not all that impressive. But what I’d really like to point out is the moving, downward facing arrow underneath the picture that reads, “Enter here.” Perhaps the arrow should be pointing in the opposite direction.

On the site, you’ll also see her listed accomplishments, among them are lifting 10 pounds with her vagina, living part-time on a surf yacht in Indonesia and having 20 orgasms in a row. Which assuredly will induce you to immediately sign up for her retreats. Oh, and make sure not to miss out on her Vigina-on-Tour, which you can follow on Instagram.

Funny thing about all this weight training and conditioning, you never see anything about it for penises. No one ever asks how much weight a penis can benchpress. And I think that’s just sexist.

If you like this, you’ll love my book, I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. For a good time get it on Amazon, Kindle, iTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever.

Photo credit: Facebook/Kim Anami

Holiday Gifts for People Who Have Everything

I recently came across a Hammacher Schlemmer catalog. (Good name by the way, rolls right off the tongue.) I’d heard of this catalog before, but I’d never set eyes on one because obviously I do not yet have everything in the universe available for purchase. This catalog is specifically designed for people who already have everything yet must have more. They don’t want to put a cap on everything just yet. There could be more. And if there is, they want to buy it.

It’s like the sky mall catalog, but distributed on Earth and not limited to the few captive hours spent in the sky where one might find the overwhelming need to buy the world’s largest Thomas Kinkade Crystal Snow Globe with self-propelled snow gently cascading down on the hand-painted Victorian homes nestled among hillside and encircled by a motorized miniature train, creating the most enchanting of winter wonderlands. For only $599.95 plus shipping.

Once such item is the tabletop fireplace. Because who hasn’t had the urge for one of those.

IMG_2851

Think about it. How many times have you been relaxing at home, reclining in your favorite chair, perfectly content when suddenly you get a nagging feeling something isn’t quite right. You straighten, perplexed, looking around for the cause of your discomfort, but you’re unable to place it. You sit back, still troubled when it hits you. Jumping up, you exclaim, “I’ve got it. You know what’s been missing this whole time? A tabletop fireplace!”

Or you would have if you knew such a thing existed. But since portable tabletop fireplaces are a ludicrous notion, it never occurred to you. Had it and had you seen the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, you could have pulled that compact little baby from where you store it in your cabinet and set it right up on your end table for a lovely evening by the fireside. Or, you could pack it in your purse for those extemporameous meeting with friends at Starbucks. Plunk it down on the cafe table to create just the right ambience for your gathering. Or pack it up for trips to the homes of friends or family who lack such amenities. Now any gathering can be a cozy, intimate affair.

Until you saw the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog you didn’t know you even needed such an item. Now a tabletop fireplace is an absolute necessity. And at $179.95 it’s a steal. (Fuel, $59.95, not included.)

Of course it’s important to have just the right setting at home to enjoy such a special and treasured item, and you know what pairs beautifully with a take-anywhere fireplace? A Hippo Sofa.

Have you ever been searching high and low for the perfect hippopotamus sofa? Well, search no more. Find that and all the most ridiculous Christmas gifts in the catalog for people who have everything. On @OneFunnyMotha

Hammacher Schlemmer has that, too. But this isn’t just any Hippopotamus Sofa. It’s handcrafted. Hundreds of hours are spent creating this life-size majestic creature out of seating material because that’s seemingly the best way to instill a sense of awe and appreciation of all rare and exotic wildlife. Aside from paying tribute to these impressive beasts, the sofa looks quite comfortable, too. Enjoy next to a roaring mini tabletop fireplace. Only $95,000!

Enjoy the majesty of nature with this Hippo Sofa for only $95,000! Click To Tweet

Get your Sidewinding Circular Skates today! Ridiculous Christmas Gifts for People Who Have Everything. On @OneFunnyMotha

Think of how cool you’ll feel as you roll into school or sidewind your way into the office in these new circular skates. You’ll be the envy of your friends and colleagues. Set into motion by leaning sideways, you’ll be gliding right along in no time. Roll casually through town or perform fun stunts like 750 degree spins. The stopping mechanism is your own feet. Simply place your toes on the ground while you’re spinning out of control or careening downhill. The halt in motion is bound to be quick if not entirely painless. The skates come in sporty red or green and costs a mere $99.95. Perfect for that special someone on your list who’s looking for the latest in modes of transportation.

The only way you could possibly look cooler in your Sidewinding Circular Skates is if you were cruising by while wearing this fashionable reading shawl.

15 Gifts for People Who Have Everything

This is the Front View in case you couldn’t tell by the model’s face. Super hip and practical, this fantastic shawl pairs well with almost anything in your wardrobe but especially with high-waisted, pleated khaki pants and duck boots. Think of relaxing afternoons by the Tabletop Fireplace curled up on your Hippopotamus Sofa in your snug Reading Shawl. What could be better? $99.95.

If you happen to be out cruising in your Reading Shawl and wrench your knee while trying to stop your Sidewinding Skates as they veer wildly off course and speed dangerously toward a brick wall, you can order up The Stay in Place Knee Pillow. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished I’d had a giant foam pad wedged between my knees as I slept. How much more comfortable I would be! But you can’t find this gigantic, thick foam knee pad just anywhere. This baby is exclusive to Hammacher Schlemmer, all for the low price of $59.95.

10 Ridiculous Christmas Gifts for People Who Have Everything. On @OneFunnyMotha

With a fitful night’s rest, you’ll be ready to deck those halls with big style. Make a statement with these lovable, Christmas characters displayed prominently on your front lawn. You’ll be the talk of the town! Standing nearly two stories tall (the children, pictured, provide a sense of scale), Rudolf wears his familiar playful expression next to a slightly more petite Clarice. Claim your Rudolf for a mere $399.95. Clarice is moderately priced at $349.95.

Have you been searching all over for a 2-story, inflatable Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer to place prominently on your front lawn? Well search no more! I present you with ridiculous holiday gifts for People Who Have Everything. On @One Funny Motha

Keep the jolly, gaming spirit going all season long, indoors or out, with The Messless Indoor Snowball Fight.

10 Ridiculous Gifts for People who Have Everything: 1. Fake Snowballs for an indoor snowball fight. But wait, there's much more! See them all on @OneFunnyMotha

Oh, what fun it is to have a snowball fight, inside, with fake snow. Well, perhaps that doesn’t qualify as a snowball fight. That’s more of a regular fight. But now you can have that fight (with your mom who appears to be having a grand time throwing projectiles around her pristine living room) for as low as $29.95. Or, you could have it for free. Do people know they don’t have to pay to have objects whipped around their beautifully appointed homes? Try a rolled up sock. Works just the same, and it’s free.

If you love games but don’t like the implied mess and cold of fake indoor snowballs, there’s the wonderful, time-saving, Walk By Scrabble Board.

The Walk By Scrabble Board for those times when you want to play a game with family and friends just without having to talk or interact with them. See all 10 Ridiculous Gifts for People Who Have Everything on @OneFunnyMotha

Don’t have time to sit with family and friends for a rousing game of Scrabble? No problem. With this Walk By Scrabble Board, you no longer have to endure family time or fun with friends. The Walk By Scrabble Board is the perfect solution for today’s busy families who like playing games just not while they’re with each other. Why gather together when you can each play alone separately? This ingenious hanging board allows players to participate only when and how they want, without any pesky commitments or entanglements, making 21st Century game-playing so much more convenient. Now no more waiting for an annoying friend to take her turn. No more idle time spent chatting with loved ones. No more interacting. The Walk By Scrabble Board is the future of the board gaming world, where every player operates on his or her own terms, adding to the board at their leisure, unencumbered by any obligations or relationships. For $29.95 you may never have to speak to another friend or family member again.

With this Walk By Scrabble Board, you no longer have to endure family time or fun with friends. What #holiday gift could be better? Click To Tweet

Perhaps all games can apply the same principle. In the indoor snowball fight, players can choose to throw a ball whenever they get around to it, keeping the game alive for days or even years.

Here’s a gift, even in today’s time-pressed world, everyone will be eager to gather around.

Who HASN'T wanted an Electric Kazoo? 10 Gifts for People Who Have Everything. Find many more ridiculous Christmas gifts on @OneFunnyMotha.

The Electric Kazoo. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “I wish I had an electric kazoo right now. I could really jam out.” It’s hard to imagine a person who hasn’t said that. With the kazoo being such a seminal instrument in the 21st Century music scene, and an integral part of music throughout human history, this Electric Kazoo with portable amplifier is bound to delight any recipient. And, it’s only $79.95.

But the best I saved for last.

10 Gifts for People Who Have Everything: 1. The Selfie Toaster. Need I say more? See all the Ridiculous Christmas gifts on @OneFunnyMotha.

*The Selfie Toaster. Who doesn’t want to see their face emblazoned onto a piece of bread that they can then smear with butter and ingest? Available only from Hammacher Schlemmer, the toaster uses custom inserts, crafted from submitted headshots, to brown the likeness of the subject onto the toast. The perfect gift for every teenage girl in your life. It could be yours (or theirs) for only $69.95.

Who doesn't want 2 see their face imprinted onto a piece of bread they can then ingest? The Selfie Toaster makes that possible! Click To Tweet

With these spectacular gifts, your bound to delight everyone on your list, making the holidays quite merry and bright.

*I’m totally getting this for my daughter.

If you know someone who would rather an ‘experience’ than an item, you may consider buying an online gaming account such as www.leaguesmurfs.com to speed up the game process and bring you to level 30 immediately!

If you like this you will love my book, I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. For a good time get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever. 

Have You Ever Wanted to Join a Dating Site With Your Partner?

How do you know for certain you’re with your soul mate unless a computer algorithm tells you so? You don’t. Even if you’ve been married for nearly two decades. That’s why it’s long been a dream of mine to join a dating site with my partner, and I finally got to live my dream this month when Bustle’s new site, Romper, allowed me to conduct my little experiment. Once and for all, I would know conclusively whether my husband and I were meant for each together.

Turns out we’re not. At least according to the top online dating sites. But Dancespirit and I had some real potential. Now for the rest of my days I’ll have to wonder what my life would have been like had I met and married my true love. By the name I’m thinking probably not good. If you want to find out what really happens when you join an online dating site with your husband (and I recommend you do), go on over to Romper and check it out.

 

I've long wanted to join a dating site with my husband to find out if we truly are right for each other. I finally got my wish. Here's what happened.
That could have been me and Dancespirit. Look how happy we would’ve been.

 

Editor’s note: Mad props to my husband who was an excellent sport about the grand experiment. Don’t worry, honey, I’m not gonna take the algorithm’s word over yours. Dancespirit never had a chance.

Oh, and you may also like my book, I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. For a good time get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever. 

photo credit: Pam & Tadd via photopin (license)

Target and the Truth About OCD

ocd-target-sweater

By now you’ve all heard about the controversy that is the Target Christmas Sweater debacle of 2015. People have been up in arms about the offensive sweater that ostensibly makes light of a serious mental illness, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD. And, it is a serious illness. I would know. I have it. I’ve had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) for as long as I can remember, and although my memories in the womb are a little foggy, I’m pretty sure I had it back then, too. It’s brought me to crippling lows. My friends told me to visit an ocd treatment in los angeles however I haven’t got round to it yet. There were many times in the past where I questioned whether I could really survive. I struggled for years just to get out of bed to make it to work. At one of my worst points (there were many) I feared I would lose my job. I feared the OCD would destroy my marriage. And it would have had I not gotten help. At that time every ordinary, common task – brushing my teeth, showering, getting dressed, walking down the street – was excruciatingly difficult. Everyday was mired in a haze of obsessions and rituals. There was not one moment in all those years that was not influenced by my obsessions and compulsions. Just to live an ordinary existence was a struggle.

I’ve never discussed my OCD on this blog and very few people in my life actually know I suffer from it. I kept silent for many years out of fear and shame. It’s not something one is proud of. I still don’t like admitting I have a mental illness. It makes you sound crazy. Still, I’m not offended by the sweater. Because while I may be crazy, I’m not that crazy. It’s a shirt. It used the same initials to make a silly sweater that says Obsessive Christmas Disorder, which I might add may be an affliction worse than OCD itself.

Obsessive Christmas Disorder is real. And, it is horrible. Christmas creep has been on the rise for years, and I give Target credit for calling it out. Identifying the problem is the first step toward recovery. We need to halt the progression of this illness before it destroys even more innocent lives. When decorations go up before Thanksgiving and retail Christmas displays pop up the millisecond Halloween is over and otherwise normal radio stations become 24-hour, Christmas sap-spewing propaganda machines, it’s time to admit we have a problem. Our country is in the throws of a serious epidemic, and much like OCD, Obsessive Christmas Disorder is spiraling out of control.

This shirt acknowledges that problem, and I think we need more big businesses to step up and shine a light on this rapacious epidemic. The good people proudly wearing these sweaters out in public are also helping to raise awareness. Available in red, white or green, the garment offers an array of fashionable options, but, sadly, I can’t buy any of those colors because of my OCD.

I jest. My OCD isn’t concerned with that although there are many shades of the illness, and I know someone who was. Mine is focused on germs. I couldn’t wear the sweater because who knows where it came from and who touched it and what invisible germs may be lurking on its surface. Also, it’s ugly.

My point is having a mental illness doesn’t preclude you from having a little common sense. Or a sense of humor. My humor may not have helped me in battling my illness exactly, but it does help me through life. We all have struggles. It helps if we can laugh at them a little. Although those memories of my darkest days are still painful for me, and I recognize the difficultly of the struggle, I think you can poke fun at things without making some broader statement about it. I don’t think one silly sweater can trivialize an illness.

I’d be more concerned about the statement wearing a sweater like that makes about your fashion sense.

If you like this, you may like my book, I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. It doesn’t have anything to do with OCD, but I’m working on that. Get it on Amazon, Kindle, iTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever.

Photo: Twitter.com/AllisonRaskin

I’m Bringing Mom Jeans Back but Not Your Mom’s Mom Jeans

Crack is Whack- An Ode to Mom Jeans

Well, at least I’m bringing my Mom Jeans essay, Crack is Whack, or An Ode to Mom Jeans, back to Club Mid today. Because this is an important issue, people. It’s a basic human right, and I will not stop in my crusade for fitting jeans until every woman in America has jeans she can safely and comfortably wear without fear of exposure and humiliation. We must demand this of our political leaders and our fashion executives. We deserve clothing that doesn’t expose our private parts to the masses (unless we chose to do so, of course). But it’s our choice, one we’ve been stripped of (literally) as well as a say over our own bodies. And we must rise up against the surge of rampant, persistent and pervasive butt crack exposure. If we don’t, who will? So join me in this fight won’t you? You can get started by going on over and reading my piece.

photo credit: Tinuesque via photopin (license)

More Funny Search Terms and The Big Reveal

Notice anything different? This is my Big Reveal. I’ve been new and improved by Jen Kehl of Beyond Blog Design. I know the changes aren’t drastic. They’re subtle, which is not the way of the internets, but I like to do things the hard way. And subtle suits me. I’m not really that flashy. I’ve always gone against the stream, which usually is to my own detriment, but I can’t help it. I’m an iconoclast at heart. It’s a curse. But as my son would say, “I not like it, stream.” 

I had to make some changes around here because my host was super slow, and I wanted some fancy new wingdigs and dodads so I hired Jen who is the bestest. Better than all the restest. Except she did yell at me that one time. Well, she didn’t quite yell. She just said, “no,” to one of my requests, adding, “that’s not how the internet works, woman.” But it felt a little like yelling.

I jest, of course. Jen worked with me and explained everything. She was very good and kind. I will miss our daily Facebook chats about why I can’t have the stupid, Goddamn font I selected or why she can’t just make all the decisions herself because I don’t know, to which she responds with some techobabble, and I have no idea what the hell she’s talking about. Prime example. This is a direct quote from our Facebook chats, which are very similar to fireside chats but for the digital age. “Believe it or not this is tied to how we made the titles on the home page bigger. Would you believe they use the same CSS tag?!!!!???” I wanted to respond in indignation, “I most certainly I cannot!” but I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. Did she forget who she was dealing with? If I knew what a CSS tag was, I’d be coding this shit myself. I wanted to say, “Um, Jen, it’s me. Please remove all CSS tags from our conversation.” But I just assumed the whole zany CSS thing was a coder inside joke and played along, pretending I was in on it.

The redesign all went very smoothly and quickly, and Jen educated me along the way, which is what I love about her services the most. Well, that and she actually calls you. On the phone. And you get to hear a live voice. She also offers a free consultation so you can talk to her before you decide to do any work or determine if you’re going to do work at all. And, she knows her stuff as evidenced by the CSS comment above.

But that’s not why you’re all here, is it? I promised you funny search terms, and dammit I’m gonna deliver. The good thing about having your site redesigned is that it forces you to pay attention to your blog. While I was poking around in the guts, which I typically try to avoid, I noticed some really fantastic search terms, and I said to myself, “Oh, this has the makings of a blog post right here.” I loves me some good search terms. Search terms bring me so much joy. I only hope they bring you the same. For more fun with search terms read More Fun With Search Terms and the piece that started it all, Searching for Answers: Funny Search Terms that Delivered People Straight to My Door with door meaning virtual door. (And, to all of you who search and wind up here, I’m sorry.)

Here are 15 Funny Search Results along with my reflections.

First, we have Micro Bikinis. Ok, well, that’s a no brainer. Peoples gonna be searching the interwebs for that.

Naked Men in Yoga Training. No, you should never type those words into Google. Ever.

10 Signs You’re Old as Hell. Old as hell. Because being old isn’t bad enough.

10 Signs You're Old as Hell.

 

Funny Advice Blog. Aww, thank you. I am incredibly honored.

You’ve Been Boozed. I wish.

Use Sesquipedalian in a Sentence. Person who wrote this, I love you.

Homemade Candy Corn Costume. I am here for all your homemade candy corn costuming needs.

Man Butt Crack. Take it back. Take that search term back right now and never Google it again.

Butt Crack guy?
You asked for it.

 

Mad Scientist Costume. Got that, too.

Detached Parenting. Allow me to show you the way.

PTO Breakfast is a Pain in the Ass. Tell me about it.

I Hate Playdates. Um, yeah.

I’m Lost and I Can’t Find Myself. Been there, sister.

@OneFunnyMotha
@OneFunnyMotha

Cute Hermit Crab Cages. Aww, how nice. We would do anything for our little hermit crabs, too. They’re just like family members.

Funny Tweets About Kids. Have your pick.

Like this? Find even funnier stuff in I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. What I’m trying to say is, I’m in this book. Buy it, ok? Available on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever. 

Best Parenting Advice Evah

Best Parenting Advice Evah

Hi, all. Just a quick note to keep you apprised of what I’ve been up to. I know you’ve been dying to know. I also wanted to inform you of the winner of the fantastic Amazon gift card and book giveaway from last week. The lucky winner is Jena-Lea Wright. Sorry to the rest of you, but we can’t all be winners. Don’t worry, though. You’ll have another crack at being a winner because I’m doing a Last Last Blast of Summer Reading. For real this is it. So check back tomorrow for some more freebies.

What I really want to talk about, though, is me. Recently, my highly sought-after parenting advice was featured on Mommy Nearest. Well, not my advice but my pediatrician’s. And it wasn’t so much highly sought after as it was posted as a general question on Facebook. But I was tagged in the post (clearly, my advice was very important). And, the question wasn’t really asking for my advice so much as advice given to me by a better, more trusted parenting source. Still, when it comes to recognizing good advice and reiterating it, Mediocre Mama, who posed the question, knew who to come to. That’s right. I’m exceptionally good at retaining good advice. So I gave it to her, and she collected it with a bunch of other really good advices (not a word except for it is now) for a post she was putting together for new or newish parents because you don’t really get your parenting groove on until your kid is about 18 or you have more kids and are too weary to give a crap anymore.

After I contributed my advice I didn’t really think any more about it, but then yesterday I got a notice that the post was up and my bit of advice was included. CLicking over to the post I was quite pleasantly surprised. It wasn’t the typical, bogus “enjoy every moment” article so often found on parenting sites or magazines. The piece gave real, astute, practical advice nervous first-time parents are most likely desperate to hear but probably don’t. With all the pressure out there for parents to be perfect, when you’re new to the game you worry constantly that you’re doing it wrong. This article, What’s the Best Parenting Advice You’ve Ever Received?, helps to allay some of those fears and lets parents know they’re doing just fine.

Then I was asked again for my wise parenting advice.

Continue reading “Best Parenting Advice Evah”

Ladies, Never Let Your Man go to Costco Unsupervised

Costco & Your Man

I’ve been there, and take it from me, just don’t do it. I know you want to. I know you think it’ll be perfectly fine. But there are consequences to your actions – life-time, bulk-size consequences. I speak from experience, and I’m only trying to save you heartache and pantry space.

Over the weekend I enumerated all the reasons why you’ll forever regret the decision to let your man go to Costco unsupervised. Well, not all of the reasons because I’m sure there are many, many more, but I gave 10 Reasons Why You Should Never Send Your Husband to Costco Alone. Ever. It’s over on The Mid. So go check it out. Tell me I’m wrong.

If you like this, you’ll love I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. What I’m trying to say is, I’m in this book. Buy it, ok? Get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble, and I will love you forever. 

photo credit: mliu92 via photopin cc

The 4th of July, Fireworks and Fearing for My Life

The Fourth of July, Fireworks & Fearing

This is my 4th of July post from last year. And the year before. And it will be my 4th of July post forever because every 4th of July is exactly the same. Every 4th of July I fear for my life.

The holiday week kicked off nicely enough with a little father-son bonding time. My husband had decided to take Crazy on an overnight camping trip, which was a special treat. But as I stood in the driveway waving goodbye to them, I started to worry. I hoped my husband wasn’t using “camping” as a euphemism like when parents claim they’re taking your beloved pet to the “farm.”

Thankfully “camping” wasn’t code for “I’m taking him far, far away and tying him to a fencepost, and if anyone happens by who’s in the market for a young, friendly, good-natured male, they can have him.”

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The Bachelor & Vanderpump Rules: Perfect Together

The Bachelor & Vanderpump Rules_ Perfect

Monday night was quite possibly the greatest night of television viewing in my entire career.

Alone in a quiet house as my husband was out driving the kids somewhere (I don’t know – I try not to to get too involved), I found myself in a rare moment of peace and solitude. With dinner over and the lights dimmed, I wandered into the darkened sunroom. I felt a little strange as this had never happened to me before. I sunk into the couch and grabbed the remote. I could have myself a real sit-down right there in front of the T.V. I could watch something I wanted to watch. Undisturbed. As there’s always Facebook to check or a kid yammering or my husband hogging the remote and forcing me to watch Backwoods Law or Alaskan Bush People or Amish Mafia or Mountain Monster Hunters or one of the other 5,000 variations on that theme, I knew I HAD to take advantage of this opportunity. It was like the 100-year storm. It might not come again. Except for in another 10 years.

My husband will deny my accusations, of course, and he does share the remote, but I don’t know. I never feel like I can really, fully relax and enjoy the shows I want to watch. Like The Bachelor for example. And, he’ll never watch them with me and mock them mercilessly because he’s selfish.

In that moment I made a decision. I would watch The Bachelor. I deserved it after all. But then I saw that Vanderpump Rules’ or VR (because I can’t write that title out every time) was on, and I was torn. So then I started flipping back and forth, and I realized something. The two shows shouldn’t be watched in isolation. In fact, the two should only be viewed in combination because, seriously, who can watch a whole, uninterrupted hour of The Bachelor? Never mind two. It’s torture. Viewing both simultaneously makes The Bachelor tolerable. Too bad I only realized that on the second to last episode of the season. Sadly, they’ll only be perfect together one more time.

How am I going to make it through the next The Bachelor?

At least, next week is VR’s season finale. I’m seriously bummed about that. The good news for you, if you’ve never watched the show, is you can tune in at any point during the season and pick it up because it’s all the same episode – just with different hair and outfits.

I’m not sure about The Bachelor. It might be over next week because he’s down to two women or “girls” as he likes to call them, but I don’t really watch the show, and they do have a way of drawing that program out to make it as painful as possible. And, then of course, there’s the post-show reunion, The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, The Bachelor: The Bachelor Tells All and maybe even some spin-offs like The Bachelor: The Wedding, The Bachelor: The Honeymoon, and The Bachelor: Marriage Counseling.

Chris Harrison, are you listening? Call me.

I know it might seem weird to review or write about a show that you don’t watch, but like I say, you see one episode of The Bachelor, you’ve seen them all. To tell the truth, I’m surprised the show’s still on. I think I watched the first season when it aired back in 1980. (Ok, just Googled it, and they’re actually on the 19th season. Which means this show has been regurgitated NINETEEN times.) The weird thing is the show was awful then, and they haven’t changed a damn thing since. Not.One.Thing. Which is really kind of astounding. It’s not like they lacked the time to improve it. Which begs the question: How is this show still on?

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