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Trump on a Stump (trademark pending) is the new and improved toy parents can use to terrorize their kids – now at any time of year! Everyone’s familiar with the mischievous yet lovable Elf on the Shelf whose watchful presence is meant to keep the kids in check but who only descends from the North Pole once a year. Well, now we have a vile, demeaning, spiteful troll to do that job year-round. Just look at that wrinkled, orange, hate-filled face. It’s bound to strike terror into the heart of any child.
Now, whenever little Jonny pitches himself into the middle of a pile of Thomas the Tank engines, shrieking he doesn’t want to clean up all the toys he dumped onto the living room floor, simply smile and say, “Do you want Trump on a Stump to come?” Then watch as Jonny jumps up and launches into a feverish race to clean up every last track, LEGO, and train in the room. You didn’t even know the child could move that fast. Within minutes your living room will be gleaming and ready for company.
Whenever little Sally balks at the lunch prepared at her request, insisting she only likes orange macaroni and cheese not the yellow kind, ask her if she would like to tell that to Trump on a Stump because you could call him. You have the number to his 24K-gold encrusted cellphone emblazoned with “TRUMP” in big, box letters. The lunch is sure to be gobbled up, possibly causing the poor tike to choke, but the standoff will be over and you will have made your point. She may even, without any prompting at all, scarf down the baby carrots placed on the side more as a comfort to yourself than out of any expectation she would actually eat a vegetable.
The best use for the Trump on a Stump troll doll, though, is as a fun prank to be played on your kids for no particular reason other than your own amusement. Simply tip toe into your child’s bedroom at night and pose your Trump on the Stump troll over her bed as she sleeps. Hearing her petrified screams in the morning as she wakes to his beady, little eyes leering down at her is certain to give you a hearty laugh. You’re sure to have no problems with your child that day.
The real value in the creepy, menacing troll is his versatility. You needn’t wait until Christmas to pull a Trump on a Stump. He can be used year round in all manner of situations. Come the start of the school year and your kids grumble about getting out of bed in the morning, invoke Trump on a Stump. In the dead of winter and they argue about wearing a coat in the sub-zero temperatures, mention Trump on a Stump. When they’re petulant and demanding at the mall mere weeks before the onslaught of never-ending Christmas gifts, bend down and whisper into their ears, “Trump is watching you.” You’ll never have to resort to bribing them with presents agian. Their behavior will be motivated by utter fear.
Parents, Trump on a Stump does what the Elf on the Shelf could never do. He can haunt your child’s every waking moment, always watching, always shouting, always spewing vitriolic hatred at whomever differs in opinion or isn’t exactly like him – a privileged, ignorant, white man-child with the most comical comb over not even the writing staff of “Saturday Night Live” could have dreamed it up. Your children will instantly relate to the troll on the most basic level because emotionally and intellectually he is their peer. They will recognize him as the school bully, the one that holds the power to destroy everything they hold dear: their ability to freely express their opinions, their ability to question authority, their basic human right to be treated with respect and dignity, and their ability to see their world as a fair, safe and compassionate place. Kids will see him as the real, live, walking and sneering Grinch – only an orange version instead of green.
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