I’m back in action after my trip to Italy (more on that later) and mad tweeting. Ok, not really, but other people are and I like to share them with you because you should never let a good tweet go to waste. Plus, I did have a couple of funny tweets of my own recently, and if you missed them in the 1.5 seconds they appear in your Twitter feed, you can see them here where they can be enjoyed for a long time to come. I’m particularly proud of this Twitter list I’ve come up with. It’s super funny. Just look.
It’s the last day of school where do I put my kid tomorrow
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) June 28, 2016
Right? What are we supposed to do with them? I don’t have a curriculum or a library or gymnasium in my house.
Which inevitably leads to…
Just screamed, “GET OUT OF MY FACE,” at my kids. And now the tone has been set for the rest of the summer.
— Stacey Gill (@OneFunnyMotha) June 28, 2016
May I suggest everyone try it as a preventative measure? Because nobody wants to find themselves in a situation like this:
If you’re wondering how awesome my summer break is going, my kid just found a harmonica.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) June 29, 2016
If you think Twitter has tons of people craving attention & validation allow me to introduce you to kids doing tricks in a swimming pool.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 29, 2016
Which might explain…
I finally figured out that if I want to have a hot, peaceful cup of coffee before my kids wake up I have to set my alarm for 3am.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) July 6, 2016
And right after that they’ll start pestering you for food.
Me: I’ll make you lunch in a half an hour
8: Has it been a half an hour?
Me: It’s been literally six seconds
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) June 26, 2016
She just has to ride that out for the next five years or so until the kid turns into a teen.
The great thing about having teens who sleep until noon is I only have to feed them 2 meals a day.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 28, 2016
Here’s another great meal planning tip.
Put all your kid’s snacks in their lunchbox in 1 bag, and call it “trail mix” – your kids will love it + you’ll save plastic bags
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 22, 2016
But couldn’t he have tweeted this like 15 years ago when it really would’ve helped me out? I don’t care if Twitter didn’t exist then. I don’t want to hear excuses.
I’ll tell you who else doesn’t want to hear excuses. This four-year-old.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) June 20, 2016
Only four and already a master manipulator.
I just hope she likes her vegetables or I imagine trouble ahead.
Me: Most people in the world are good, but there are some bad people out there, too
6: You mean like people who sell broccoli?
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 25, 2016
Of course with kids you can’t really avoid trouble.
dad: “come on, you guys are LATE!!!!”
11yo: “you should have started YELLING at us earlier!”
— dadmissions (@Dadmissions) June 30, 2016
Still, every now and then, the heavens shine down on you, permitting you to experience a moment of grace.
Just got back from a week-long vacation where neither one of my kids whined or bickered. It’s like it wasn’t even my life.
— Stacey Gill (@OneFunnyMotha) July 10, 2016
Even if you don’t get to experience it, there’s always this to look forward to.
I’m happy my kid will be in first grade next year if only because when I have to visit his classroom the chairs will be a little bit bigger.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 20, 2016
That’s it for this week guys. I hope you enjoyed it. I know I certainly did. Meet me back here again soon when I’ll be discussing my adventures in Rome and Venice WITH kids. I’m living proof you can travel with kids and still have a good time. Next time I’ll tell you how.
If you like this, you’ll love, I Just Want to Be Perfect, the fourth book in The New York Times best-selling series. It doesn’t have any tweets in it, but it is funny. And, I’m in it. What more could you ask for? Get it on Amazon or Barnes & Noble or order a signed copy direct from me: info @ onefunnymotha (dot) com.
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