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I know I haven’t done a Twitter Tuesday in about 56 Tuesdays, but give a blogger a break. I’ve been busy. I’ve been working away on the book, and it’s been taking all my time, and I’ve wanted to quit about 1o hundred thousand million times but then what? I’d have to get a real job and at this point I really have no employable skills. And the proposal was done and then it wasn’t because I had to shift focus a little, which meant revising the proposal and I just wasn’t that into it because, God damn, I already did the proposal once and shouldn’t that be enough? But it’s not enough. It’s never enough, and I still have to rework the proposal, but first I have to do some research, and meanwhile I’m working on a chapter that just won’t end and is written all backwards so I have to flip it, but it’s not as easy as it sounds because I can’t just cut and paste and swing my arm out toward the computer screen and say, “Voila, it’s done,” because it won’t make any fucking sense because you need transitions, people, transitions. Do you know nothing about writing? And transitions, it turns out, are a pain in the ass so after working for two weeks vomiting up this crappy, indecipherable chapter, I now have to rearrange the whole damn thing into something that is somewhat coherent, but that’s the thing. There’s no guarantees it will be. None. I might spend the next week completely rearranging it just to find out the new order makes no sense either. Do you hear what I’m saying? Because I don’t think you do. It’s sheer and utter lunacy, and I’m only on chapter 6. That means there’s another 9 more chapters of this agony to go, and I’m really not sure I’m going to make it. You know what the worse part is? The worst part is reviewing your work at the end of a long and frustrating day and hating every single word you’ve written. That’s the worst part, and it happens to me pretty much every day.
Anyway, that’s what’s been taking my time if you must know. Plus, I did have one of my essays published in a book (more on that below).
But I did take some time out to go on the Twitter lately. Not a lot, but in the short time I was on I read so many funny and worthwhile tweets that I said, “I simply must do a Twitter post.” It was just the right thing to do. So I collected them here so we could all have a good laugh. Normally, I try to form some sort of theme or logical story out of them, but this time I said screw it. It’s late, we’re all tired and I’m pretty sure no one reads my little story, anyway. You’re all just here for the tweets. I know that.
I want to start out with one of my favorite twits. I think you’ll like her, too.
I feel great about myself today. I should probably go buy an issue of Vogue to remember why I’m fat garbage.
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) June 2, 2016
Talking about feeling great…
8: When was the last time you went to Confession?
Me: Last week.
Me: Last month.
Me: Last year.
Me: SHUT UP YOU DON’T KNOW ME
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) June 2, 2016
The interesting thing about kids is they are so very versatile in the ways in which they can be jerks.
Parenting tip: “I have no homework” in 10 yr old boy speak means “I have a shit ton of homework that I will suddenly remember at bedtime.”
— Sara (@smilely_gal) January 13, 2016
My 5yo’s homework was to decorate a big, paper 4-leaf clover with things she feels lucky to have.
She drew mac n cheese on all 4 leaves.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 8, 2016
Listening to my kids argue about who has the most homework tonight sounds like I need to make a quick trip to the liquor store.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 5, 2016
I never anticipated that parenting would involve calling school systems to see if they still use books, but here we are.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) May 16, 2016
They don’t need books. Just give them sesame seeds.
Sesame seeds are like regular seeds except they try to teach you the alphabet and how to count…
— Boyd’s Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) June 6, 2016
Well, maybe they need one book.
SAHMs need yearbooks. The kids could sign them:
See you next second!
2 mean 2 B 4gotten
Have fun in the sun, get laid in the…well, never
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) May 28, 2016
On that note…
What if your kids don’t spark joy? How do you get rid of them?
— Stacey Gill (@OneFunnyMotha) May 29, 2016
Maybe do this.
My son doesn’t really need his wisdom teeth out. We’re just doing it for a chance to get his hilariously-sedated video on the Ellen show.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) May 16, 2016
Totally worth it.
I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because “his leaves are getting on our lawn.”
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) May 14, 2016
Maybe The Glad Stork can help him out.
I just got excited to do yardwork and thus began the saddest stage of my life.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) June 2, 2016
Until next time, people.
If you like this, you’ll love, I Just Want to Be Perfect, the fourth book in The New York Times best-selling series. It doesn’t have any tweets in it, but it is funny. And, I’m in it. What more could you ask for? Get it on Amazon or Barnes & Noble or order a signed copy direct from me: info @ onefunnymotha (dot) com.
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