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These funny tweets on marriage sum up relationships so beautifully it’s like pure poetry.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
— Uncle Vikki (@vikkaroni) March 21, 2013
Why bother? If they’re smart they know what they have to do.
83% of being a man is just apologizing to women without knowing why.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) February 25, 2016
Or they’ll just guess until they get it right.
“Yes…. no” ~Husbands answering wives — Boyd’s Backyard (@TheBoydP) August 14, 2015
Men do try, though.
I want to have deeper more meaningful conversations with my wife but she has zero insights about NFL free agency.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 9, 2016
Maybe just settle for a movie night.
ARE WE WATCHING THIS FUCKING MOVIE TONIGHT OR NOT???!!!
— Yep,they’re both me. (@3sunzzz) March 20, 2016
That might be the most accurate representation of marriage ever written.
Of course all this is a moot point if you have Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs.
My husband just said, “You have your Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs. What do you need me for?”
And I said, “Exactly.” pic.twitter.com/JSbTN2KJuE
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) March 22, 2016
Although I do occasionally need his help with stuff like moving furniture.
“I promise you it won’t fit there.”
~my husband every time I ask him to move something somewhere
— Mᴏᴛʜᴇʀ-ᴀᴛ-Lᴀᴡ (@MUMSIEesq) March 21, 2016
Or running to the food store.
I’m sending my husband to do the food shopping today WITH a list.
But I still don’t feel good about.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) March 21, 2016
Guess who’s (according to my wife) not mature enough to be left standing next to the jumbo summer sausage holiday display at the store?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 18, 2015
Then there’s this.
Me: Which would be cooler, a pool for cars or a pool in a car? Ooh, maybe a pool shaped like a car? Wife: Please just take her to school. — Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 6, 2015
Which may lead to…
I can always tell if she’s asleep. Her eyes don’t roll when I’m talking.
— Token Geezer (@Token_Geezer) April 25, 2015
It could be worse.
My husband forced me to listen to 80’s cheese rock. Specifically, I Remember You by Skid Row. And that’s the reason I’m filing for divorce. — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) August 5, 2015
But then again…
Whenever I’m pissed off with my boyfriend, I console myself with the fact that he has to deal with me every day.
— Fluffy Suse (@fluffysuse) April 29, 2015
I’m not a rational person, but I do play one for the first six months of a relationship. — Fluffy Suse (@fluffysuse) April 28, 2015
You know who else got fooled?
Porn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend & stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) December 2, 2014
Like this? Find even funnier stuff in I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. What I’m trying to say is, I’m in this book. Buy it, ok? Available on Amazon, Kindle, iTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever.
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