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I don’t care what the calendar says, summer is officially over when the soles of my flip flops finish disintegrating. — Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) August 24, 2015
You know what else is the truth? This:
If I were to be honest, about 75% of the time I’m thinking about doughnuts. — Daniel (@dhilliard74) April 29, 2015
The other 25%, it’s meat.
[places finger to waitress’s lips] Ssshhhhhh, you had me at assorted breakfast meats. — Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 25, 2015
Staying on the subject for a minute…
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like — Jameson Seven (@JamesonN7) November 23, 2014
Or, you can always do take out.
* pulls into Arby’s drive-thru* Can I take your order? -Yeah, how many curly fries ya got in there? Like total. — Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) April 11, 2015
Unless you can’t leave… because kitties.
Do you think “My kitty wouldn’t let me leave,” is a valid excuse for being late to a doctor’s appointment? — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) August 11, 2015
You know how kitties are. How am I supposed to leave with kitty meowing at me like that?
I’m glad I went, though, because like Moody Monday, I had a lot troubling me.
Doctor: Where does it hurt? Me: *shows pending friend request* — moody monday (@mdob11) April 28, 2015
What the hell. Why wouldn’t you want to be my friend – on Facebook, I mean?
I love when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them — MattZilla (@mattZillaaaa) April 28, 2015
What needs to be said that can’t be said on Facebook? Just messages me, OK? You know what else I love? This:
Love how Home Depot makes it a true “do it yourself” store by never having an employee around to help customers find anything — Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) April 19, 2015
I guess that’s why you see so many people just standing around in a daze. Which is my special talent.
I bet I’d be good at loitering. — June O’Hara (@juneohara65) April 25, 2015
I’m so good at loitering. I’m also good at some yoga moves like…
My signature yoga move is the downward spiral. — Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) April 29, 2015
Because I keep trying. Like my friend says…
If at first you don’t succeed, try and try and try and try and try and try and cry and cry and obsess about it and have a panic attack. — probably awake (@JustTashie) December 29, 2013
But don’t worry. Boyd has some good advice.
The best way to change the world is one tequila shot at a time… — Boyd’s Backyard (@TheBoydP) August 21, 2015
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