Over vacation I read 1/2 a book. And now I will never read the other half. — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) May 4, 2015
It was really good, too.
Now I spend my time like this:
72% of my day is spent walking into a room with a purpose, getting confused, then looking around in the hopes of remembering why I’m there. — Lauren (@WorkingMom86) May 3, 2015
Soon I won’t be walking, though.
Thinking about wearing roller skates around the house so I can get more done. — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) May 1, 2015
Or a scooter.
It just dawned on me that none of the other parents are riding their 6yo’s scooter to pick them up at school everyday. — Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 29, 2015
Whatever, they’re idiots.
I remember when my first kid was a toddler and I cared if he had shoes on when he went outside and other crap like that. — Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 22, 2015
Things I say to my kids: Please don’t annoy me today.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) August 25, 2015
But you know what? It’s true what they say…
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else. — Creed (@novicefather) September 12, 2014
So, so true. And especially frightening when it happens to your beloved devices.
BUT DID YOU DROP THE IPAD??? I yell as my child is curled up crying in a puddle snot and tears. — Breathing is Good (@dancefeverbarbi) April 23, 2015
In an emergency situation, you have to make smart decisions quickly and prioritize.
And in a camping situation you must tell ghost stories.
[holds flashlight up to face] …there was no Netflix and it would take two minutes for a webpage to load. *kids start screaming, 3 faint* — Rock (@TheMichaelRock) April 28, 2015
That was fun, but there’s another game that sound like even more fun.
I’m playing this game with the kids where the floor is made of quicksand. So naturally I can’t get off the couch or Mommy dies. — Dosie Doe (@DosieDoe) April 29, 2015
Fantastic. Wish I had thought of that 14 years ago.
How drunk is too drunk to be at a child’s birthday party? Trick question. You can never be drunk enough at a children’s birthday party. — Fluffy Suse (@fluffysuse) April 25, 2015
Or at a school meeting.
“I don’t know. How about a fundraiser?” – my kid’s school when trying to figure out the answer to any problem ever. Apparently. — peetie rex (@ohpeetie) April 27, 2015
But you know what makes it all worth it?
Me: What do you want to wear today? 4-year-old daughter: Something powerful. Me: 4: *puts on a Ninja Turtles T-shirt with a tutu* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 16, 2015
Like this? Find even funnier stuff in I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. What I’m trying to say is, I’m in this book. Buy it, ok? Available on Amazon, Kindle, iTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever.
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