This week’s list started out kind of random, but then I notice a pattern – a vague, loose pattern but a pattern nonetheless. Hey, I don’t see you coming up with any twitter lists so pipe down. The list starts out with battle of the sexes tweets and goes into dental hygiene, which may as first glance not seem related, but listen. If you don’t have good dental hygiene, your chances of gettin any lovin are severely diminished. See? I just related it.
Married sext: I made dinner. You can too when you get hungry. — Jersey (@Rhythms_n_Booze) May 31, 2015
Ah, little love notes. I miss those days.
Before I got married I didn’t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge — Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015
What the hell? Is he an idiot?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
— Trey (@treydayway) March 3, 2015
Sounds like he needs to check the new Safety Commission guidelines.
The Consumer Products Safety Commission now recommends that you check yourself before, during and after you wreck yourself. — Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) July 14, 2015
Or just go around like Bangers & Meh.
I like to approach each new day with a fresh sense of dread.
— Bangers & Meh (@TheAlexNevil) June 25, 2015
Me too, Bangers & Meh, me too. And it’s not even because I’m afraid I put food back in the fridge the wrong way. It’s just a general, abiding sense of dread that accompanies me wherever I go. Maybe I should see my dentist about it.
Dentist: ok open up “Well I guess it all started when my dad left…” Dentist: no I mean- Assistant: wait bill…let him finish — PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) June 4, 2015
Started brushing my teeth with some of that whitening toothpaste this week and this morning my incisors were wearing boat shoes.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 3, 2015
Can’t you just picture little boat shoes on his pointy teeth?
She stopped sending kissy face smileys and now sends lip emojis, so yes, you could say things are getting pretty serious. — The Average Guy (@Beer4AGoodTime) July 14, 2015
I bet it’s because of the whitening toothpaste.
I miss those sweet, giddy days of early romance. Especially when it leads to…
*gets down on one knee* Will you… be my emergency contact?
— Christina Locante (@christinaloca) February 2, 2015
I feel the same way. It’s such a huge commitment, and you never know if the person is going to accept. It’s so hard to find that special someone in life with which to share your emergency contact list.
You know what else is hard? Getting girls to stop taking selfies. So hard in fact…
I just read that if you cut off a college girls head they still keep taking selfies for another 7 minutes after. — Jersey (@Rhythms_n_Booze) June 27, 2015
It’s also hard when you want to surprise your wife and this happens.
I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… Were you fired?? — Boyd’s Backyard (@TheBoydP) March 26, 2015
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