Yes, kids are easy targets, but that’s what makes it so much fun. So let’s get to it shall we?
4-year-old: You’re the strongest one in this whole house. Me: *flexes* I sure am. 4-year-old: I was talking to Mom.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 29, 2015
She gave birth, didn’t she?
(Crossing street) Me: “Know what my favorite thing is? Holding your hand.” (Reach sidewalk) 5yo, rips free: “NOW YOUR FAVORITE THINGS OVER!” — ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) April 27, 2015
Ah, the joys of parenting.
[kids fighting in the back seat] ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
— RM (@dorsalstream) April 28, 2015
Oh, hells yeah.
Currently in a stubborn standoff with the 5yo over a pink pig keychain and an iPad. I expect this to be resolved around 2027. — Dakota (@One_FineMess) April 21, 2015
Which is why…
[parent-teacher conference] ME: From 8:30-3:30, they’re your problem. *leaves*
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) April 29, 2015
I mean isn’t that why we send them to school? Learning’s nice and all, but don’t we parents deserve a break? Especially when this happens:
A picture is worth ten-thousand words when a 3 year-old is telling you about it. — The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 17, 2015
A kid is like an alarm clock that argues with you if you try to hit snooze. — Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) April 19, 2015
And who needs that? Just get a regular alarm clock. They’re cheeper and don’t talk back. They also won’t make you sleep in a toddler bed with them.
Toddler beds aren’t so bad if you enjoy being cramped and uncomfortable while having a tiny person beat you — Lauren (@WorkingMom86) April 29, 2015
Or do this:
Me: you want this cheeseburger? 3: No! It’s yucky! Me: *Offers same cheeseburger You want this Krabby Patty? 3: Yay! Krabby Patty! — Sam Delanche (@SamDelanche) March 26, 2015
Kids are so dumb. That’s why I say make it easy on yourself. Order out.
“What a delicious dinner. Just like Mom used to order.” –My kids someday — Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) April 24, 2015
Who cares if they live on a steady diet of fatty, fried food and develop diabetes and childhood obesity? At least you had a little peace.
You know who else knows how to find a little piece? Josh.
*hears son yelling* me: What’s wrong? 9: I can’t find my toy m: Why don’t you turn your light on? 9: I can see in the dark m: 9: m: Carry on — Josh (@iwearaonesie) March 23, 2015
Although leaving kids to their own devices may not always be the best policy.
My sons room smells like a hamster cage… Plot twist… We don’t own a hamster. — Marty Sr. (@mschortye) March 22, 2015
Which is why…
They did NOT talk about that in the baby books. -me about most things in parenting. — Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) April 28, 2015
Like this? Find even funnier stuff in I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. What I’m trying to say is, I’m in this book. Buy it, ok? Available on Amazon, Kindle, iTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever.
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