Twitter really breaks things down to the essential truths. Which is why I like it. There’s just so much you can learn from Twitter.
Here I present you with the essential guide to men and women expressed in 140 character truths. I think this should be required reading for couples getting married like this post should be handed out at Pre-Cana or something.
For instance engaged couples should know…
Remember that thing you did a few years ago on a Tuesday that made your wife mad? She does.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 12, 2015
Oh, I know exactly what you did on the third Tuesday of November 2003. Don’t think I don’t. And I’m still not over it. I may never be. Which may be why…
There’s no way I’m taking the blame for something my wife thinks the kids did that I actually did. — Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 25, 2015
But it’s not like women are the only ones at fault. I mean listen to this.
Apparently my wife has some kind of expensive arts & crafts scissors that she would rather me not use for cutting the tops off of ice pops. — Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 8, 2015
Oh, c’mon, like you don’t know? The fun, squiggly cutout it made didn’t tell you those are the fancy scissors? Clearly, those are special and not the everyday scissors. Of course if people talked about these issues before getting married we might not run into these problems.
I trace my fingers down your cheek, your neck, around the outline of the muscles on your chest and whisper ‘yeah but can you do dishes?’ — MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) April 3, 2015
Because at the end of the day that’s really what’s at the heart of a stable, enduring relationship. Sure love, physical attraction and all that is nice, but do you scrub toilets? That’s what I need to know. Those are the crucial matters we really should be judging our potential spouses by. Because you’d be surprised how much toilet scrubbing and dirty dishes impact your quality of life.
Also, Pier One has a tendency to play a large role in relationships.
I’ve been waiting in the car while my wife just runs into this Pier One Imports since February. — Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 25, 2015
At least she let him wait in the car. Sheesh, what’s his problem? Have a little patience. Hopefully, though, she took him out to Red Lobster to feast afterward to reward his patience.
I didn’t wear my church shoes to this Red Lobster to not order extra cheddar bay biscuits. — Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 10, 2015
That’s my husband to a tee. He says, “Keep the cheddar biscuits coming.” Only he calls them chedda biscuits.
Still, even if couples do have an open dialog, there’s no guarantees because, well, you know.
Clearly, men invented Siri. She doesn’t listen, barely responds, and when she does, she’s just winging it to pretend she’s paying attention. — Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) April 9, 2015
But No worries because AMy Dillon has the secret to marriage success.
The secret to my marriage’s success is my husband using the crushed ice dispenser 75% of the time I’m talking. — Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) April 9, 2015
Like this? Find even funnier stuff in I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web (and by that I mean me). Available on Amazon, Kindle, iTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever. Who else makes you that promise?
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