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You think it’s so easy coming up with funny tweets. Well, it’s not. I do a lot of research, people. This morning alone I just read over 200,000 tweets to come up with this. You have no idea how exhausting and frustrating it is to scroll through that many unfunny tweets. But do you care? Do you? Oh, you don’t want to hear me, you just wanna tweet.
Once you get past the whining, complaining, screaming, crying, fighting, and general hell raising, children aren’t so bad.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) April 7, 2015
I know, right? I don’t know what the hell people are complaining about.
Writing a new memoir about my 3 yo called The Devil Wears Pull Ups. — Rachel Simmons (@RachelJSimmons) April 6, 2015
I loved The Devil Wears Prada, but I bet this one will be more accurate.
My 4 year old’s bucket list is just a bunch of public bathrooms he’s been meaning to check out.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 12, 2015
I believe that’s every child’s mission in life. And, also to to destroy your home.
Does anybody know where banks buy those chains that secure their pens to tables? I could use some in marker size. — The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 13, 2015
That’s a genius idea. That has money-maker written all over it.
Of course, it’s not necessarily the destruction that’s the most upsetting part.
He’s definitely a sociopath. But even that’s not the most upsetting thing about parenting. The most upsetting part would have to be this.
“Could you help me do this project that’s due tomorrow? And I need art supplies.” Kids, at 10pm — Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 13, 2015
But we don’t have to take this. We can fight back.
Love pulling up next to a guy and knowing he’s jealous of my car. Too bad he’s 4 and crying because I took the last race car grocery cart. — Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 13, 2015
That will show em. So will this.
Sorry I ruined your kids birthday party by bringing a piñata filled with nutritious kale chips. — aimless (@aimlessamers) April 13, 2015
God, she’s just trying to be helpful.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
— CandyPants (@suzieQ0007) March 31, 2015
The best thing about people having babies is that it’s not me. — OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) April 14, 2015
I think my work here is done.
Don’t forget to get your copy of I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web (like me). At $9 and change on Amazon it’s cheeper than a couple of lattes from Starbucks. Also available on Kindle, iTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever.
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