Monday night was quite possibly the greatest night of television viewing in my entire career.
Alone in a quiet house as my husband was out driving the kids somewhere (I don’t know – I try not to to get too involved), I found myself in a rare moment of peace and solitude. With dinner over and the lights dimmed, I wandered into the darkened sunroom. I felt a little strange as this had never happened to me before. I sunk into the couch and grabbed the remote. I could have myself a real sit-down right there in front of the T.V. I could watch something I wanted to watch. Undisturbed. As there’s always Facebook to check or a kid yammering or my husband hogging the remote and forcing me to watch Backwoods Law or Alaskan Bush People or Amish Mafia or Mountain Monster Hunters or one of the other 5,000 variations on that theme, I knew I HAD to take advantage of this opportunity. It was like the 100-year storm. It might not come again. Except for in another 10 years.
My husband will deny my accusations, of course, and he does share the remote, but I don’t know. I never feel like I can really, fully relax and enjoy the shows I want to watch. Like The Bachelor for example. And, he’ll never watch them with me and mock them mercilessly because he’s selfish.
In that moment I made a decision. I would watch The Bachelor. I deserved it after all. But then I saw that Vanderpump Rules’ or VR (because I can’t write that title out every time) was on, and I was torn. So then I started flipping back and forth, and I realized something. The two shows shouldn’t be watched in isolation. In fact, the two should only be viewed in combination because, seriously, who can watch a whole, uninterrupted hour of The Bachelor? Never mind two. It’s torture. Viewing both simultaneously makes The Bachelor tolerable. Too bad I only realized that on the second to last episode of the season. Sadly, they’ll only be perfect together one more time.
How am I going to make it through the next The Bachelor?
At least, next week is VR’s season finale. I’m seriously bummed about that. The good news for you, if you’ve never watched the show, is you can tune in at any point during the season and pick it up because it’s all the same episode – just with different hair and outfits.
I’m not sure about The Bachelor. It might be over next week because he’s down to two women or “girls” as he likes to call them, but I don’t really watch the show, and they do have a way of drawing that program out to make it as painful as possible. And, then of course, there’s the post-show reunion, The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, The Bachelor: The Bachelor Tells All and maybe even some spin-offs like The Bachelor: The Wedding, The Bachelor: The Honeymoon, and The Bachelor: Marriage Counseling.
Chris Harrison, are you listening? Call me.
I know it might seem weird to review or write about a show that you don’t watch, but like I say, you see one episode of The Bachelor, you’ve seen them all. To tell the truth, I’m surprised the show’s still on. I think I watched the first season when it aired back in 1980. (Ok, just Googled it, and they’re actually on the 19th season. Which means this show has been regurgitated NINETEEN times.) The weird thing is the show was awful then, and they haven’t changed a damn thing since. Not.One.Thing. Which is really kind of astounding. It’s not like they lacked the time to improve it. Which begs the question: How is this show still on?
So, I last watched the show back in 2002 when my daughter was one. She’s now 14, which gives you a little perspective (and probably makes you a little sad about all the hours of your life wasted on The Bachelor). But all that changed a few weeks ago when I read the best recaps by my new, favorite The Bachelor T.V. reviewer, Michelle at You’re My Favorite Today. Her reviews are so good I had to check the show out. Actually, her reviews are so good instead of playing The Bachelor, ABC should just post a picture of her blog recaps on the T.V. screen during the two hours the episode would be airing.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, Well how the hell can she review the show if they never show the show because they’re playing her reviews instead? I mean, you’re thinking that if you’re a real critical thinker, and you’ve given The Bachelor serious thought, which I don’t advise.
Don’t worry. I have it all figured out. ABC should film the show, do everything exactly the same, but instead of airing it, they send the tape to Michelle for her review. She then submits her review, and that’s what they play for an hour (or two) on Monday nights. The show would be so much better.
But back to last night’s episode, which I only caught a little bit of because I was mostly watching Vanderpump, which I now realize I’ll have to tell you about in another post because this is getting way too long, and I haven’t even mocked The Bachelor yet. Anyway, this was the episode where they whisked the 3 “lucky” ladies and the bachelor away to an exotic location for the coveted fantasy suite dates. So it’s the good one. Or the bad one. Depends on how you look at it.
What I don’t get about this whole show is how any of these people could actually fall in love after a few weeks of dating. In a competition. On T.V. What I also want to know is how these people can fall in love when they never have an actual conversation. All there conversations are about how they could fall in love, might be falling in love, think they’re falling in love, are in love. In love with what? You just met the guy. I also don’t think you can find love through a questionnaire. Like if the women just come up with all the right answers to the guy’s questions, it must mean they’re a match. Which is the sole premise of the show. Which is why I don’t know how it stayed on the air this long. Love is not objective. It takes a little more than that.
I can say it is entertaining to watch in all it’s nonsensical stupidity. So now that the excitement’s building since they are on their fantasy dates in Bali (editor’s note: Damn straight they sent them to Bali after making those poor people suffer through dates in Deadwood (real name), SD and Iowa, I’ll say that again, IOWA, because that’s where The Bachelor, Chris, lives. Specifically, he lives in Arlington, population 1.) To tell you the truth, if I could get a free trip to Bali, I might just sign up for this whole The Bachelor thing. Do you think they’d mind if I was married? Seriously, though, I might even put out on the overnight dates to get a trip to Bali. (Don’t judge ME. It’s the only way I’m ever gonna see Bali!)
Which brings me to my next point. Why are these women “flattered” when they are offered the key to the fantasy suite? Guess what? It’s not a compliment. If some guy pulled out a key to his hotel room on a date with me, I’d punch him out. If I got to go on the show (despite my baggage, i.e. husband, and my self-respect – I’m pretty sure they screen for that) I’d probably be the only woman in the history of the show to decline that invitation. I’d be like, “You must be joking. You just slept with 2 other women there.”
Which brings me to my next point(s). 1. How do the women not feel weird, cheap, self-loathing going to a “fantasy suite” with some guy they know has/will be inviting 2 other women (1 per day) to sleep with him therein? 2. How does the guy act excited, surprised and as if this is a “special evening” for him and the one he loves/could love/might love/has potential/is a really “great girl” every time he walks into the same exact room he’s brought the other two women to? I don’t know, something about bring 3 women to the same hotel room to sleep with them three days in a row just doesn’t sound romantic to me.
Call me old-fashioned.
Which brings me to my 3rd (or 4th) and, hopefully, final point. The virgin. One of the women, let’s call her Becca because that’s her name, is a virgin. And she’s all nervous because fantasy suite. She’s worried about telling Chris (because what will he think of her?), but she has to tell him before accepting his invitation to sleep with him. So finally after dinner when she can’t stall any longer she dramatically announces, “I have to tell you something.” Then she pauses for so long that you think she’s not even going to tell him the virgin thing, that there’s something else she’s been hiding. You start racking your brain (because you have about 10 minutes to ponder this) to think up something that’s so horrible it requires a 10-minute dramatic pause. Did she murder someone? Is she really a man? What is it? Then she tells him she’s a virgin.
I’m like, did I miss something? Isn’t that a good thing? Why is virginity now considered a blot on the woman’s soul? I give the woman credit for having some self-respect. Please don’t apologize for it.
Of course, all three women gleefully accept Chris’s/ABC’s invitation to sleep with him, and I thinking they just announced to all of America (THEIR PARENTS INCLUDED) and whoever the hell else watches this junk, that they are going to take care of some very personal bidness. (One question: When they accept the invitation that does mean they are contractually obligated to sleep with him, right?) So much for being a virgin.
Anyway, the last thing I’ll say, and this is painful for me because I have many, many more things to say, is at the end of the episode when Chris has to give one of the 3 women he just shagged the boot, it’s Kaitlyn. And even though she is falling in love with/might be in love with/maybe someday will think Chris is okay, she doesn’t seem that torn up about it. To tell you the truth, Chris appeared to shed more tears than Kaitlyn while he was pushing her to the waiting car, where she stopped and refuse to get it. Finally after some awkwardness standing two inches from the waiting vehicle with nothing really to say to each other, Chris yanked open the door and shoved her in. On the way to the airport when she was pouring out her heart to the cry-cam, it did look like she was really struggling hard to squeeze some tears out. It just didn’t happen. Valiant effort, though.
Can’t wait till next week when it’s the women tell ALL. Or nothing because they’re filming the show for Christ sake. We know what happened.
Oh, and one more thing. Just found out they’re dragging this crap out until March 9th! Yay!
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