I’m doing Tweetpeat Tuesday on Wednesday. Because I can. First rule of Blog Club is there are no rules in Blog Club. Ok? You can do whatever the hell you want. Which is kind of why I like the internets. Who wants to be hemmed in by rules?
But we have a lot of ground to cover so let’s get right to it, shall we, with a little tip from me to you.
Helpful Tip: If you climb into a pen w/ a giraffe be prepared to be kicked in the face by the giraffe. — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) August 19, 2014
Remember that. It’ll come in handy someday. If you’re ever visiting a zoo and have the urge to crawl into a cage with a wild animal. Did you hear that story last week about the woman who squeezed her way into a giraffe’s cage? I have to say anytime I hear about something like that I think, Well, they got what they deserved. I mean if you are stupid enough to climb into a tiger cage or a polar bear exhibit or the home of a well-meaning giraffe, you deserve to be mauled or kicked in the face or eaten alive. The bars are there for a reason, people. Did the fact that the animals are in a cage not raise any flags?
As if I haven’t been helpful enough already, I have another useful tip I’ll with share with you.
You know what’s a real pain in the butt? A hard chair. — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) August 22, 2014
Well, a hard chair and kids. Kids are a real pain in the butt, too.
I told the 4 y/o that I’m done wiping her butt for her. She asked if the cat could do it. — Mandy Fish (@Mandy_Fish) August 26, 2014
It’s worth a shot, right? I’d let the cat take a stab at it if it would get me out of it.
While wiping someone’s butt may be bad, I think, undisputedly, this is worse.
My daughter just said this to me: “Swagaliscious Bro.” How do I make sure this never happens again? — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) August 19, 2014
Some genius person (I’m sorry I can’t remember who) told me to eat a cupcake in front of her as punishment, and while I think that’s a good start, I don’t think it’s punishment enough. What? Too severe? You don’t think swagaliscious bro is that bad? Just wait till it happens to you.
As annoying as kids can be, they’ll turn around and say something like this, and you’re forced to love them again.
My 11 year old son on an amusement park ride, “Ah, makes me feel like I was 10 again.” — Velvet Farblossom (@AddledPixie) August 19, 2014
That’s one of the cutest things I’ve ever heard. You can’t not love them. But then a minute and a half later they do something like this.
The Kid needed more detailed instructions than “Can u bring in the trash can?” She needed to no if I meant the whole can or just the lid. — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) August 12, 2014
And you don’t like them anymore.
So I have a plan. A way of getting back at them when they do stuff like that.
Currently on track to meet my goal (see previous tweet RE: eating all peanut M&M’s). — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) August 14, 2014
Or I do this.
Got a delivery the other day & Crazy fits in the shipping box so I’m mailing him somewhere. Why should I b the only 1 who has 2 deal w/ him? — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) August 24, 2014
But mostly, I tell them this:
If it can’t be said in 140 characters of less I don’t want to hear it. — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) June 24, 2014
*Or. I meant to say “or fewer,” but that takes more characters. Too bad my kids don’t follow me on Twitter. That would make parenting a whole lot easier.
You know what else would make parenting more effective? This.
Best quote ever by Dr. Barbara Greenberg, “That’s a problem when parents are clueless.” — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) August 15, 2014
I’d say so. I mean I’m no doctor, but I’d venture to say that just might be the biggest problem affecting kids. I heard this quote when I was watching some news clip on YouTube that I found after clicking through several thousand people’s Facebook pages, which is to say I have no idea where I found it, and the reporter and doctor were discussing some moronic new trends kids are eagerly participating in like inhaling cinnamon or lighting themselves on fire in the bathtub before extinguishing it, and I’m not saying I’m naive enough to think my kids are above doing almost anything, but if they were to light themselves on fire for the fun of it, I’d have to seriously question my time spent here. Getting lit on fire is what most people spend their entire lives trying not to do. That goes beyond stupid. That defies common logic and basic survival instinct. If nothing else, parents should at least impress that one, fairly simple lesson on their kids.
Let’s all make a pact to do that, Ok?
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