I was on vacation last week and off the internets for five glorious days. I gotta say it was pretty nice. The weather was perfect, the ocean crystalline, the waves phenomenal. And I’m a little sad now just thinking about it.
So I haven’t been bringing my A game to the blogosphere, but we all need a break sometime. To make up for it and to thank you for your patience and undying loyalty, I’m gonna start off with a bang with these hilarious tweets on marriage.
No woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes. fact. — Ms. Pussycat (@PussycatPlace) June 22, 2014
Did you hear that? Fact. Think about it. It has to be. Personally, I’d never shoot my husband while he was doing the dishes.
I’d wait till after. (Just kidding. I’d never shoot my husband.) At least, I wouldn’t shoot him and write about it on the internet. That would be dumb.
Here’s another fact for ya because I like to spread knowledge.
Me- Did you know that 41% of households don’t have a landline phone? Her- Is that what you do now? Repeat back stuff I told you yesterday? — Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) July 12, 2014
My husband does that to me all the time. Then he claims he said it first. Which can lead to arguments. But, guys, I have some helpful advice for you when you’re having a disagreement with your lady.
How do you end an argument with a woman? Tell her to calm down. You’re dead now but the argument is over. — sara (@SomthinBoutSara) February 18, 2014
So that’s one way. If telling me to calm down isn’t enough to drive me into a murderous rage, I don’t know what is. Except this:
Nothing pisses me off more than a peanut M&M with no peanut in it. Nothing. — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) July 22, 2014
Am I right, ladies? That is some messed up stuff.
You know what else is messed up? This.
Set my new dryer on “delicates.” Found out that means it never dries. — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) July 23, 2014
Did no one see that? What about this?
I just found out that you can get kicked out of Sears for staring at people’s family portraits and crying. — Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) July 15, 2014
Speaking of crying…
Fun fact: Sobbing on the treadmill burns more calories. — Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) July 10, 2014
Oh, goody, because I’m always looking for ways to boost my workout and that’s usually what I’m doing anyway if I’m forced to run. I can’t say I’ve ever understood runners. I know people run. I know they train for marathons. I just don’t know why. Why would anyone do that? Why would anybody run if they’re not being chased?
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that. — Meatplow (@mrjohntofu) January 18, 2014
But worry no more. I’ve found the answer to all our miseries.
An easy way to be happy with life is to completely detach yourself from reality. — Noodles (@Dawn_M_) July 9, 2014
Right? What a great idea. Or, you could always do this…
*at the cat shelter* Yes hi, where are the shopping carts? — moody monday (@mdob11) July 15, 2014
Yeah, just give me all of them.
For even more fun get your copy of I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. What I’m trying to say is, I’m in this book. Buy it, ok? Available on Amazon, Kindle, iTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever.
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