By now I’m pretty sure you guys already know how I roll.
I’m so fancy. You already know. I’m in the fast lane from school drop off to Costco.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) July 17, 2014
I know it’s a little early to be talking about school and stuff, but I’m just envisioning my near future. As much as I’d like to trash the hotel and get drunk on the mini bar (although that’s awfully expensive; they’d really be better off going down to the hotel lobby), going to Costco is about as glamorous as my life gets. Actually, if I was being completely honest in my tweet, I would’ve said, “school drop off to Shop Right,” but I needed it to rhyme, and if you stretch “Costco” out while you’re singing it to the tune for “Fancy,” it fits. Like this, “CostcOOowhoaOwhoaO-O.”
Alas, it’s still summertime, which means I’m not going to Costco and…
But, then, on the glorious, wondrous, all-knowing Twitter I saw Qwertygirl’s genius idea.
How to amuse children: 1) purchase iPhone4. 2) Take video of children doing anything. 3) Play back, let them watch it. 4) Repeat endlessly. — qwertygirl (@qwertygirl) July 20, 2014
I’m doing it today!
Along with this:
The Kid just asked if I could get a bug out of her closet. I said, “No.” It’s called tough love, people.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) July 24, 2014
Kids have to learn how to do things for themselves. How else are they going to survive in this world? Because, clearly, they don’t know how to do anything.
My daughter just said, “This is hard,” about taking the new toaster out of it’s box. — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) July 16, 2014
This is the future of America, people. The.Future.Of.America.
Ok, then. When you put it that way, makes perfect sense.
You know what doesn’t make sense or at least is fraught with complications? This.
I just said samsies and my Dad took me out of his will. — Jay (@theshamingofjay) July 14, 2014
On the one hand if my kids said “samsies” to me I’d have a very strong desire to leave them penniless. On the other hand that’s a pretty harsh penalty. If, however, they used that word in combination with some other equally annoying term, like “twinnies” or “totes fab” or the all-time, absolute worst, “nabe,” (for neighborhood – never say this), I’d disinherit them hands down, no problem. Let it be a lesson to them. Because like I-g-g-y Azalea, I put that paper over all. I thought you knew that, knew that.
Another good lesson to heed is always keeping your fridge stocked with cream. CK learn that the hard way.
I just opened the fridge and found out that all the cream is gone and now this coffee is pointless and my day is ruined. — CK (@sanityinabottle) July 20, 2014
Seriously. I’ve had that experience, and it ain’t pretty.
Especially since we really need it.
If exhausted was a sexy look… I totally nailed it… — Sexy Vodka Kisses (@sexy_vodka_kiss) July 22, 2014
Wanna add to the conversation? You know where to find me: @OneFunnyMotha If your tweet is funny it might wind up here. Have something funny to say that’s longer 140 characters? Give it to me here, OFM on Facebook. For a good time, “like” me.
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