I’m off my regularly scheduled programing, but I just couldn’t do it this week. I’ve been fighting off depression.
Yesterday morning I woke up and cried. This is the kids’ last week of school, but I wasn’t crying for them. I was crying for me. I’m overwhelmed and in a panic. It’s been all half days, and I have nothing lined up for the summer, and I don’t know what to do with them, and my schedule’s disrupted, and I can’t get anything done, and I just need 6 hours, 6 hours to myself, and I can’t concentrate or write, and I haven’t been to the gym in weeks and I just want everything to stop. Just for a little while. Because I can’t take it. It’s too much. All the time. And I’m tired. I just need a break.
I can’t keep the kids busy 24 hours a day anymore, and I really shouldn’t have to at their ages, but when they’re home all they do is sit around watching T.V. or playing Xbox or Mine Crafting. They don’t do anything, and it drives me insane. But I can’t be the cruise director anymore. I’ve done that for years and years. Long enough. And I have enough to manage, and, really, it shouldn’t be my job to entertain them. So I let them rot their brains, which gives me more anxiety, and I’ve been freaking out and I hate it, and there’s nothing to eat, and my husband ate the last yogurt in the fridge, which was supposed to be mine, and now what am I going to eat?
Nothing, I guess, like usual.
When I told him the coconut yogurt was mine, he said, “Oh, I didn’t know.”
I said, “You know how you know? Because you don’t like coconut.”
“Sometimes I do.” Apparently.
For nearly 20 years I’ve known this man, and the whole time he has made his hatred of coconut clear. But I like coconut so I went out and bought it for me. And he eats it.
You can’t win.
And I know there are bigger problems out there like cancer and twin tornadoes in the upper midwest and executions in Iraq. And how can I complain when there’s real trouble in the world?
But life just got to me this week, and so I’ve been limping along trying to stay afloat while I feel like I’m drowning.
I hope to be back next week.
In the meantime, I made a cameo appearance on Middletini’s blog, who is taking part in a virtual blog tour and asked me to come along for the ride. She posted about her writing process, and I’m supposed to do the same next week. I guess that means I better come up with a writing process. As of the moment, I have none.
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