The other day I was honored and humbled to learn I made the NickMom Funniest Parent Tweets of the week. Actually, not really. Because I’m not humble, and let’s face it. I’m funny. It’s what I do. It’s the only thing I do so if I couldn’t make a funny parenting tweet list, I’d have approximately zero accomplishments. And, I’d certainly have no business calling myself One Funny Mofo.
I’m just glad the twitteratti recognized my considerable gifts with twitter and wanted to spread my wisdom. Because I know things.
Things like this.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) September 11, 2013
It’s bad enough I let them play for hours on end, then I have to hear about it?
That’s the tweet NickMom picked up. The only problem is I would have included more. So much more. BecauseTwitter isn’t the only place where I excel. I’m really good at Facebook, too. If you haven’t checked me out over there yet, you should. Because you’re missing out. Facebook is the only place you can find stuff like this:
People, I can’t fight it anymore. Two kids is more than any reasonable person can take. I think one, 1 1/2 max, is a good amount. You people with more are just plain cray cray. So I’ve decided for sanity’s sake and that of my blood pressure, I am no longer arguing with my kids. From now on, I’m throwing the ball in their court. Like when The Kid wore her black stretchy pants to school on Monday and then two days later tried to sneak out of the house dressed in them again. This time instead of getting all irritated and shouty about it, I took a deep breath and in a completely calm and rational tone said this:
Literally told the Kid if she wanted to be the dirty smelly kid in #school that was her choice.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) September 17, 2013
I didn’t want to have to have to go there – really I didn’t – but she pushed me to it. I mean, seriously, is she trying to be the social outcast? She’s now in the 7th grade, and we’ve had the conversation about not wearing the same outfit twice in one week about five hundred thousand times. Clearly it’s not sinking in. When does concern about appearance, good personal hygiene and merciless cruelty by peers finally kick in?
On the other hand, Crazy, takes his personal hygiene very seriously.
Hey, we all have our talents. Bathing’s his.
But back to The Kid because I’m not done yet.
I shit you not, people. I shit you not.
That little incomprehensible situation was followed up a short time later with this.
I seriously think that explanation would hold up in court. If the judge had a kid she would totally understand.
The night of this little incident happened to be one of the rare occasions I actually left the house to meet up with some friends for dinner.
When I left the husband w/ 2 kids & a mess of homework for the evening 2 hav dinner w/ friends I wondered who wud b crying when I returned.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) September 19, 2013
Take a guess.
Here’s a hint.
I luv when my husband doesn’t understand why I’m not cheerful @ the end of the day then spends about 5 minutes w/ the #kids & is all grumpy.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) September 18, 2013
Has any of this (all of it?) ever happened to you? How do you keep your kids from slowly, systematically driving you insane?
Don’t forget. I can be funny – like in my book, I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. For a good time get it on Amazon, Kindle, iTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever.
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