Day 9: I don’t have long now. I am very weak. I fear by the time you receive this I might be dead. The outcome of summer lock down with my kids is unclear. But I want you to know I held out as long as I could. I waited. Everyday I scanned the horizon looking for re-enforcements, but they never came. I put up a valiant fight, but in the end I wasn’t strong enough.
For as long as I am able, I will write all my posts in journal form, numbering the days. That way you’ll be able to piece together my final moments and what exactly lead up to my untimely death. In case Sebastian Junger ever wants to write a book about it. It’ll be just like Junger’s Into the Wild, the account of the young transient from a wealthy family who disappeared after college to live off the land in the Alaskan bush alone, which Junger pieced together from the journal of numbered days left behind.
When I started this post that journal immediately came to mind. I thought of how similar our two stories are except that I’m not in Alaska and I don’t have to gut a moose for survival or live in an abandoned, hollowed-out school bus without heat or water for the entire duration of the Alaskan winter. So our stories aren’t exactly identical, but, still, my life is in danger. Just listen to what happened.
So you all know about my piece “End of Days,” but if you don’t, read it. For Pete’s sake, how the hell else are you going to know what I’m talking about?
Even though Day 1 went surprisingly well, making me question my harsh assessment of my children and their ability to utilize vast quantities of unstructured, free time somewhat productively without my direct and continued involvement, Day 2 brought my real life back into sharp and painful focus.
Day 1 was a complete aberration. Day 2 was my reality. I’d been correct all along, but at least there was no need to feel bad about any undue harshness.
It took a mere 48 hours for all structure, protocol and communications to break down, and my vision of the final weeks of summer to play out exactly as predicted. There I was running around trying to care for as well as occupy the kids while simultaneously attempting to get my writing done all while listening to The Kid grumbling that I was inconveniencing her by delaying her transport to a friend’s house while I attended to actual business.
“Now I’m going to be late!” she shrieked, storming off.
Oh, OFM don’t play that. This is the part of the status update where it says I was “screaming at the kids.” Only by screaming I mean cursing. And by the kids I mean The Kid. She drove me to it. And it was only the second day.
Let me just pause for a moment so we can all consider the absurdity of her statement. She was going to be late to… to do what? Hang out? She was freaking out on me, her mother, the very person on whom she was dependent for the ride in the first place because she was going to be late to… do nothing.
I let her have it. Then I drove her to her friend’s house. Then I exacted my revenge. The next day her request to go over a friend’s house was denied, and instead we spent the entire day running errands. The kids were fairly miserable by the end so I think I made my point.
Then there was this.
Cleaning the house today & making my daughter mop the floors. It’s one of life’s little pleasures.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) August 19, 2013
I didn’t do it as a punishment exactly, but, man, was it nice to have help around the house. So nice, in fact, I’m going to make it a regular thing.
Meanwhile, Crazy hasn’t really driven me crazy yet – although I’m sure he’s working on it – so I took him to Game Stop as promised a while back as a reward for his exceptional behavior.
Took Crazy 2 buy video game 4 good behavior. Got KungFu Panda which I thought he already had. Askd wha happnd 2 it? He said “It disappeared”
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) August 15, 2013
He didn’t lose it. It disappeared. He can’t be held accountable for disappearing objects. And I can’t get upset with a kid who says things like that. Because it’s hard to be mad when you’re laughing.
But if he does drive me insane, I’m ready.
I’ll bring him to the beach and bury him. Only this time I’ll leave him there.
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