Today I want to talk search results. I know that’s been done before, but I’ve never done it before, which is what’s important here. I haven’t done a post on funny search terms not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t. Sadly, I never had any wacky search results to share. But now all that’s changed.
By far my top search result is for ass cracks, and that makes me proud.
Just look at all the different searches for ass cracks I’ve received. (Note: I’ve tried to leave the search results exactly as written except where I couldn’t stand the grammatical errors like not capitalizing I when referring to oneself.) I will spare you from more butt crack photos because I’ve already caused irreparable damage to some of my readers.
Little kid’s butt crack
Ass crack funny. I’m here to bring you all the funny ass crack on the web!
My mom ass crack. What?
Buttcrack. One word.
Man butt crack. Nobody wants to see that (especially the pictures I’ve got).
Arse crack. I’m getting international hits on butt crack! I’m going global, baby!
Then there’s the more understandable searches.
Short little man. I got that.
Husband doesn’t understand me. I hear ya, sister.
Croutons sold at Costco. I’ve got you covered.
Why doesn’t my husband know what I want? Believe me, I’ve wondered the same damn thing. Mine’s had 18 years to figure it out. Shouldn’t he be able to read my mind by now? How long does it take?
30 signs you’re getting old. 30?! Isn’t 10 bad enough?
Five things my husband don’t understand. Only five?
Signs your cat is mental in some way. Here, I like how mental is qualified so as not to slight the cat. The cat’s mental but not completely, only in some way.
How do I know if I’m banned from Costco. Does Costco actually ban people? I mean I’ve banned people (namely, my husband), but does Costco ban people? And if so wouldn’t it be abundantly clear what you did to warrant such an action? I’m guessing it would have been something pretty egregious. Something that would leave little room for doubt as to whether you are or are not permitted back on the premises.
Then there’s the whole maddening search for a possum popping tags. I’ve had results for “possum pop some tags,” “pop some tags possum,” and “popping tags possum.” (Note: For the unfamiliar, “pop some tags” is a song lyric from the popular song, “Thrift Shop,” by Macklemore.) I don’t know what possums have to do with it, but this person was certainly very persistant, and I have to give him or her credit for that. I’m assuming the searches all came from the same person because would there be more than one person searching for that?
Then, yesterday I saw something that made that perplexing search term perfectly clear. I got a search result for “I’m going to pop some tags, I am a possum,” and suddenly realized these are the lyrics the lone person thinks Macklemore is singing. No wonder the poor guy can’t find satisfactory search results. The song is in no way about possums cruising thrift stores. I’d like to help the guy out with the lyrics, but this is a family place so let me just say, the song does start out with “I want to pop some tags. Only got $20 in my pocket…something something something (I forget) looking for a come-up (I have no idea what that is) this is [something I can’t say here] awesome.” He is not, in fact, singing “I am a possum” although I can understand the confusion. It’s like the time a friend’s kid thought Katie Perry was singing “I kissed a squirrel, and I liked it.” Really, how are we to know?
Finally, I’d like to end with a search result that’s brought me more joy than possibly all the butt crack pictures in the world. The result was as follows: “use eudemonic in a sentence.” Person who searched this, you have, with one swipe of your keyboard, validated my entire existence. My learn-a-word campaign is working. It’s really working! And if I can teach just one person out there how to use eudemonic in a sentence, my life is complete.
Well, almost complete. Click on the banner if you want to give my life more meaning. All it takes is one click to register your vote. Thanks.
Powered by Facebook Comments