As you may or may not know I began the first day of the rest of my life yesterday. After months (years?) of bemoaning my lack of a firm schedule and feeling inefficient and unproductive (or at least not as productive as I could be) I finally said to myself, “Self, you need to get your ass to the gym pronto!” Enough complaining. Make yourself a schedule already and stick to it. So I did.
I resolved to go to the gym Monday mornings. Mondays will be my designated gym and laundry day (among others – I just haven’t figured them all out yet). It will also be my designated shower day.
It’s a start.
But I just had to check in on Twitter first.
And I did. If only I could find a way to tweet while working out, I think I’d be more motivated to go to the gym. But I can’t even talk while working out. Yesterday I tried to talk to the woman on the eliptical next to me because I just so happened to go to the gym for the first time in 50 years on the very same day as my talented and funny friend Tracy Beckerman was on Today with Hoda and Kathie Lee (if I did it right I linked to the clip – not promising anything), which had been her dream in life and which I never would have seen come true since I don’t watch morning television except when I’m at the gym, and I’m never at the gym, but since hitting the reset button on my life, yesterday I was, and I saw it. It was like a little mini miracle. Like God telling me, “Yes, Motha, you should work out. Good things will happen if you get up off your ballooning tuckus and exercise. It is good and right to work out.”
And, it was because Tracy was originally scheduled to be on the Today Show back when I interviewed her for her new book. I wrote it down on my calendar and everything. The morning she was to appear I clicked on my T.V. at precisely 10:00 all ready to see her shining, little face, but she got bumped from the show. I was so disappointed for her. I feared she may never have the opportunity to realize her dream again.
But she did. And there she was on the screen not more than two feet from my face, and I suddenly felt this overpowering need to communicate to somebody – anybody – I knew a guest on the Today Show. Sadly, I was unable to speak intelligibly as I couldn’t breathe and kept gasping for air, my muffled words overcome by my will to live.
I did manage a few short bursts in my attempt to convey this momentous occasion to the stranger on the eliptical next to me, but it sounded a little like, “I..huff huff…know…huff huff…that…huff…women. I…huff huff…know…huff…haaa” while gesticulating wildly at the T.V. screen. Whether I could actually communicate or not was somewhat immaterial, though, as I was so inordinately excited to see someone I knew on T.V. that I kept right on blabbing in an indecipherable stream. The woman graciously smiled and moved one eliptical over (but, not before I urged her to buy the book).
Reflecting on the event, I see how both Tracy and I realized dreams that day.
I also see something else. That moment made clear to me just how much I hate all people who can both run and talk at the same time. And I always will. Because it’s not right. It’s not natural. And I’m beginning to believe it’s not even humanly possible. The only people who do it are show-offs.
I am not a show off. I also couldn’t be one if I wanted to because the gym seriously kicked my batooty yesterday. And I had another sad realization.
Curse you Taylor Swift and your perky song lyrics and youth. Believe me I want to feel 22. I just don’t, which leads me to think maybe I should take a page from The Drunken Homemaker’s book.
As much as I love her ingenious, creative ways, I don’t think TDH’s method will get me the results I’m looking for. But, why not? Both gyms have you squatting and walking briskly when you’re fully engaged. I guess it’s just not a full body work out.
I have my schedule and I’m sticking to it (hopefully). It’s the only way it’s gonna work. It certainly worked yesterday.
At this juncture in my life, it’s getting hard to tell.
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