One Funny Motha on 
The 1st in a series of ridiculous nonsense conducted by Schools & the parents who love them. Enjoy: onefunnymotha.com/2013/05/23/sch… #parenting #humor
Sh#%ty Kitties
He looks cute now but…
Why did no one tell me how much crap two little, tiny kitties could produce before I decided to adopt them? I’ve given this some thought, and the input to output ratio for those two is scientifically impossible. I don’t know what’s going on – whether they’re feasting on a whole colony of mice at night or hitting the kitty snacks when I’m not looking – but Kitty 1 and Kitty 2 must poop at least three times a day. Each. We clean out the litter box every other day but 3 times 2 cats times 2 days equals a lot of piled-up poop. It’s crazy, and we can’t keep up with the rapid-fire pace of their GI tract.
…don’t be fooled.
They may look cute, but those two little kitties are poop machines. It’s a mind-boggling site to behold. I didn’t quite believe it myself, until I actually bore witness. These two kitties just may have produced the eighth wonder of the world.
When my husband first alerted me to the situation, I didn’t believe him because for one, he’s a man, and for two I thought two little kitties could not possibly be culpable for the amount of poop of which he was accusing them. While rolling my eyes, my exact thoughts were something like, “Give me a break. They are two smallish kittens. How much could they really poop?”
Then my family went away for the weekend. So I became responsible for cleaning out the litter box. My husband kindly took on that job (thanks honey!) when we got the cats because I don’t deal well with toilets of any kind, and his responsibilities include cleaning the bathrooms with litter boxes fall under that category. But when he was going to be away for 4 days he warned me I’d have to clean out the litter box at least once while he and the kids were gone. The carefully calibrated plan Kevin devised, if adhered to and properly executed, would perfectly time the litter box cleaning schedule.
The last thing Kevin did - the very last thing - before leaving for the trip was clean out the litter box. With the car running, kids, poles, and skis stuffed inside, Kevin dumped the litter into the trash, poured in fresh litter and hauled the garbage out to the curb. It was 2:45 p.m. on Thursday. This would give me until exactly Saturday evening. By Monday afternoon Kevin and the kids would be back just as the litter box required another cleaning.
Kevin’s parting words to me were, “Don’t forget. You have until Saturday night. Then the litter box must be cleaned.”
“I know. I know.” I dismissed him with a wave of my hand. “Now go. Have a good time.”
I had a lovely, relaxing weekend and come Saturday night, I was perfectly ready for what had to be done. I grabbed a garbage bag and headed down to the basement, but when I unlatched the plastic dome cover to the litter box and cast it aside I was shocked and horrified by what awaited me.
Kevin had been right this whole time. It was exactly as he’d described. There was poop everywhere. And it had only been two days. Two days.
I only have two, but this is what it feels like.
So with pooper scooper in hand I set to work. I scooped and I scooped and I scooped, and when I thought I was done, I scooped some more.I started with the obvious choices first (Kevin had mentioned one of the cats doesn’t even bother to cover up her mess, and I found that to be true as well), but when finished with those I dug around for the hidden jewels. For hours I scooped, unearthing new clumps with each swing of the pooper scooper. My arms began to ache, and I grew parched from the labor. I was exhausted and quite frankly overwhelmed by the sheer volume. The poop was never ending, and I began to fear the fresh box might not make it until it’s next scheduled cleaning. I could leave no poop behind. This boxed had to last until Kevin’s return.
Finally around midnight I finished. I tripled bagged my haul and threw the bag outside the back door. I thanked God it was over and vowed never to distrust Kevin again.
The craziest part is that the cats aren’t even fully grown. I can’t imagine anything more than what I witnessed that night. I might actually start selling tickets to see my basement cat box because the sight is truly a phenomenon. One lump in the cat box was even excreted in the likeness of the Virgin Mary.
If you feel my pain, please vote for me, and if you don’t, vote for me anyway because I probably just saved you from a lifetime of pooper scooping.
photo credit: Viola & Cats =^..^= via photopin cc
photo credit: Viola & Cats =^..^= via photopin cc
photo credit: Tjflex2 via photopin cc
29 Comments
→
I feel your pain, but take heart! They’ll slow down as they get older. Big cat = one big poop. (BTW you’ll need an industrial strength scooper) Little cat = lots of little poops. Cats are the… well, whatever. Oh, and don’t expect any gratitude. Cat training is simple, “Act aloof. Good kitty.”
Thank God for that, but their poop right now isn’t even that little.
I have 3 dogs and a sort of similar situation….now that youve brought it up I do believe I should link you in and post it Friday:). hahahaha I am lmao…this is so funny! i hate toilets and litter boxes too! i actually buy bags of latex gloves for such occasions. now tell me how ya got Kevin to do the terlits!!
Three dogs? That’s crazier than 2 kitties. Kevin & I made a deal upon moving into the house. He did the bathrooms & I did the rest of the house.
You could have two litter boxes, one would be always ready to switch with the used one. I used Feline Pine for my cats.
Good tip. Is Feline Pine the BEST litter? I.e. the least smelliest?
since it’s not clay based, it’s healthier for the kitty and healthier for the environment, at least I believed the ad campaign! It didn’t seem to smell so much, but it was kinda messy as it got used. but I cleaned it every day cos I didn’t want them to track poo all over the house…
OMG, this is HILARIOUS! I had a cat in my 20s and I can feel your pain on this one. And mine wouldn’t go into a covered litter box and needed it cleaned EVERY TIME she went. Yuck!
The cat needed it cleaned? She was high maintenance? Did she poop 3 times a day?
Were you able to have a job or did you have to stay home to attend to the cat’s demands?
I’m thinking that they’ll be the same as human babies….who poop 5 times a day, and then slow down as they age to 1-2 (hopefully!!)
I’m with Roshni above–this makes them sound like human babies. How in the world do things that small produce so much crap? Crazy!
You just made it very clear why I am never getting cats. I will stick to dogs where at least you know what you are getting into, lol!! Seriously, thanks for the warning and the laugh, too!! Oh I voted for you again last night and will vote again tonight as always!!
Thank you!
omg…how cute! They’re cute for a reason, right? Same as kids. LOL I’d like to invite you to come link up to my I Don’t Like Mondays Blog Hop! It’s open now – stop over anytime you’d like!
Yes, they & kids are cute for a reason. To trick you.
And to keep you from completely losing your shit when they shit on the rug.
Don’t worry, soon they’ll get big and you can encourage them to crap in your neighbours yard. That’s what we do. I’m kind like that.
Oooh, can’t wait.
I have three cats so I FEEL YOUR PAIN. Two of my cats are over 20lbs. We must clean the litter box every morning or it’s out of control.
Three? R u mad, woman? And didn’t you just add a dog to the mix?
LMFAO!!! I totally know what you are going through. We have 6 cats (yes 6…six..) and four litter boxes. When Greg was working I had a system just like your husband. I cleaned the litter boxes every afternoon and because of that I only had to change the litter in each box once a week. Unfortunately, when Greg got injured at work, he became the litter cleaner, and like you, he doesn’t believe me. The litter gets changed twice a week! You know how much money we spend on litter because of that? So I laughed my ass off at this post!!!
I can’t believe you have 6 cats. You are edging close to animal hoarder. I now understand how those people just gave up cleaning up after their 2,000 cats & let them shit and piss all over the place (b/c there is no way to keep up w/ it, which is why you should never have 2,000 cats).
lol so I shouldn’t tell you we also have a dog too?
Although I have yet to give up, I agree, I can totally see how the hoarders can just give up and let the animals go anywhere they want. I have to say, I actually wonder why we have cats, and why cats are supposed to be the cleanest animals? Dogs don’t go in a box, they go outside where I don’t have to clean it up. Who’s the cleaner animal?
That thing about cats being clean is just a pack of lies. They lick their butts. How can that be clean?
Hear that? No….hmmm, maybe this thing isn’t on. Oh yeah, silly me, I’ll just tell you. Worlds TINIEST violin. 4 cats, 2 dogs, and one child type creature in diapers. OK my husband did the litter box, but not frequently enough. Oh wait, and did I mention that 3 of the cats terrorized one of the cats, so sometimes she didn’t even bother trying to go to the litter box? You asked for it, you got it. Kittens have a way of trapping your heart and clutching on for dear life until you just….can’t….walk…..away. Someday the poop-fest will settle down and you might begin to appreciate them, but trust me, they will never appreciate you.
Yeah, I’m already getting that feeling. They don’t care about me. They just love the kitty treats.
Hysterical! So well pooped (I mean put). We also, have several kitties at a pleasanthouse but a liter box is only how we BEGIN. Ben ALWAYS installs a ‘cat door’ somewhere in a wall and the ‘kitties’ learn to use it to go OUTSIDE AND SHIT UP THE NEIGHBORHOOD. Viola!
I wish! We got them from a shelter & the shelter recommended we keep them indoors. I always felt bad for indoor cats, but I’m afraid they would get run over b/c we live in a kind of busy area – it’s not safe for the kitties!