You’re expecting something juicy, I know. Let me disabuse you of that notion right up front. It’s not like you shouldn’t still read this, because I can assure you, you should. It may be even better than any scandalous details from my past (mostly because I don’t have any scandalous details from my past but still).
These things, the ones he doesn’t know, they aren’t secrets or anything. He should know them. He just doesn’t. In fact, these things are the opposite of secret. What would that be? Unsecret? Public knowledge? Fact? That’s what they are. Yet, he remains inexplicably unaware.
I’ve known this man for 18 years, lived with him for 17 and been married to him for 13. Still, he seems to know precious little about me. This, despite my repeated attempts to vocalize my likes and dislikes because I figure if we’re gonna be in a committed, long-term relationship, possibly until death, maybe he should know a few things about the woman he married:
10 Things My Husband Doesn’t Know About Me
1. I don’t like vanilla. (Please reserve your judgment. It’s perfectly normal to not like vanilla.)
Him last year at the town pool (not our first date): “I’m gonna get soft serve. You want one?”
Him: “You want chocolate or vanilla?”
Me: “Chocolate.” Closing my eyes while trying to keep a steady tone: “Since every single goddamn time I’ve ever ordered ice cream I’ve gotten chocolate, I think I’m gonna go with chocolate.”
2. I don’t like pepperoni. (Again, very normal.)
Him: “Hey, Honey, I’m gonna order pizza. You want pepperoni on yours?”
Me: “Well, since I don’t eat pepperoni, have never eaten pepperoni and, more significantly, have never been observed consuming peperoni in your presence over the last 18 years, no. No, I don’t want pepperoni. But thanks for asking.”
3. I don’t like shrimp scampi.
Me: “I’ve already told you on numerous occasions I don’t like shrimp scampi.”
Him: “I was just checking. You could have changed your mind.”
4. I don’t like red roses. Every time I’ve bought myself flowers they have been tulips.
Him, ebullient: “Happy Valentine’s Day!” Hands me red roses.
Me, sighing, trying to contain my disappointment for the 18th year in a row: “Thank you, Honey. They are so, so very red and rosy.”
5. I have two kids, and they are his.
This last one he may be starting to piece together. I can’t be sure. He knows there are two other people living in our house, but beyond that I’m not sure what his understanding is.
*Ok, there are just 5 things but 10 sounded better, and I’m sure there are 10 things. I just couldn’t think them all right now.
What about you? What doesn’t your husband know but definitely should?
Editor’s note: My husband is a good guy, just not the most observant. His strengths, primarily tolerating me all this time, far outweigh his weaknesses. See here.
Don’t forget. I’m more fun on Facebook.
Also, if you like this you will love my book, I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. For a good time get it on Amazon, Kindle, iTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever.
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