10 Things My Husband Doesn’t Know About Me*


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people whispering secrets

You’re expecting something juicy, I know. Let me disabuse you of that notion right up front. It’s not like you shouldn’t still read this, because I can assure you, you should. It may be even better than any scandalous details from my past (mostly because I don’t have any scandalous details from my past but still).

These things, the ones he doesn’t know, they aren’t secrets or anything. He should know them. He just doesn’t. In fact, these things are the opposite of secret. What would that be? Unsecret? Public knowledge? Fact? That’s what they are. Yet, he remains inexplicably unaware.

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I’ve known this man for 18 years, lived with him for 17 and been married to him for 13. Still, he seems to know precious little about me. This, despite my repeated attempts to vocalize my likes and dislikes because I figure if we’re gonna be in a committed, long-term relationship, possibly until death, maybe he should know a few things about the woman he married:

 

10 Things My Husband Doesn’t Know About Me

roses

1. I don’t like vanilla. (Please reserve your judgment. It’s perfectly normal to not like vanilla.)

Him last year at the town pool (not our first date): “I’m gonna get soft serve. You want one?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Him: “You want chocolate or vanilla?”

Me: “Chocolate.” Closing my eyes while trying to keep a steady tone: “Since every single goddamn time I’ve ever ordered ice cream I’ve gotten chocolate, I think I’m gonna go with chocolate.”

2. I don’t like pepperoni. (Again, very normal.)

Him: “Hey, Honey, I’m gonna order pizza. You want pepperoni on yours?”

Me: “Well, since I don’t eat pepperoni, have never eaten pepperoni and, more significantly, have never been observed consuming peperoni in your presence over the last 18 years, no. No, I don’t want pepperoni. But thanks for asking.”

3. I don’t like shrimp scampi.

Me: “I’ve already told you on numerous occasions I don’t like shrimp scampi.”

Him: “I was just checking. You could have changed your mind.”

4. I don’t like red roses. Every time I’ve bought myself flowers they have been tulips. 

Him, ebullient: “Happy Valentine’s Day!” Hands me red roses.

Me, sighing, trying to contain my disappointment for the 18th year in a row: “Thank you, Honey. They are so, so very red and rosy.”

5. I have two kids, and they are his.

This last one he may be starting to piece together. I can’t be sure. He knows there are two other people living in our house, but beyond that I’m not sure what his understanding is.

*Ok, there are just 5 things but 10 sounded better, and I’m sure there are 10 things. I just couldn’t think them all right now.

What about you? What doesn’t your husband know but definitely should?

Editor’s note: My husband is a good guy, just not the most observant. His strengths, primarily tolerating me all this time, far outweigh his weaknesses. See here.

Don’t forget. I’m more fun on Facebook

Also, if you like this you will love my book, I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. For a good time get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever. 

photo credit: Jason Hargrove via photopin cc
photo credit: rthakrar via photopin cc
photo credit: Mr. Jincks via photopin cc

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28 thoughts on “10 Things My Husband Doesn’t Know About Me*”

  1. Ha! Loved the ice cream one. I think I’m writing a book now that is chock full of things he doesn’t know and would probably rather not know. So I may have to publish under a pen name. Or leave country. Or both. Good luck to your hubs. He needs to tune his radar a little. 😉

  2. Why are spouses so clueless?! I hate chocolate ice cream but every time he wants ice cream it’s ‘hey can you get that chocolate one we like.’ Ummm…who are you eating chocolate ice cream with dude?! And I hate pepperoni too. It grosses me out. 🙂

  3. Whaday mean you don’t like pepperoni!
    Seriously I am lol-ing. Except I often ask Frank if he wants some eggs…and he’s claimed for the past 8 years that he is allergic to eggs (notice I say “claimed” – hence, I offer).

  4. I have had some funny or perplexing moments with my husband when he forgot something I thought was quite memorable or where he seemed to remember something that never actually happened. I think that happens to everyone now and then. For the most part, he knows me pretty well and makes an effort to cater to my preferences. He buys my favorite ice cream even though it’s not his. Last weekend we were out for Sunday brunch and he grabbed the last piece of pumpkin pie for me because he knows how much I like it. I would feel perfectly safe letting him order for me in a restaurant.

    1. The thing is I would feel perfectly comfortable letting him order for me in a restaurant. Just not pizza. And he would order me chocolate ice cream if I weren’t there – he wouldn’t take a risk. But he likes to leave the door open to new possibilities. Maybe, overnight I have changed my preference from chocolate to vanilla. You never know. And he doesn’t want to make a false assumption. FYI – last night when I got home late he had dinner heating up in the oven for me. That’s why I keep him around.

  5. I have a feeling you should tell him about the kids….just gently, okay?!! I voted for you yesterday night! It looks like I’ll have to wait before I can do it again!

  6. Ok, I’ll go easy. It can be a shock to the system. And thank you kind and wonderful Roshni. You made my day b/c I just checked my rank & every time I look I’m sliding down instead of up.

  7. Ok, I’ll go easy. It can be a shock to the system. And thank you kind and wonderful Roshni. You made my day b/c I just checked my rank & every time I look I’m sliding down instead of up.

  8. Ooooh I knew I was going to love you from your answer to #1.
    My husband asks me if I want to share every time he orders sauteed mushrooms with his steak (kind of like your thing with pepperoni). I effing HATE mushrooms. I have told him this no less than 19 billion times. I’m all “I’m going to shove a mushroom up your ass if you ask me that one more time.”

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