To Blog or Not to Blog

Books

You may have noticed, but probably not because who reads this everyday, that I haven’t been posting regularly. And there’s a reason for that. I’m working on developing a robot that will write posts for me while I do other things. Who am I kidding? I’m not smart enough to create a robot that writes, but it would be great if I was. That robot would make millions! Think about all the bloggers out there. Everyone would want one. I’d name it The Writing Robot, for when you just don’t have time to blog. I’d make rounds on the Today Show and Good Morning America and all the morning talk shows with Bottie. It would be the hot Christmas item.

Anyway, that’s not happening, and I’m depressed about it. But what is happening is I’m working on a super secret project in a laboratory underground beneath a laundromat in New Mexico. Just kidding. I’m not making Crystal Meth either although I’ll tell you Breaking Bad does make it look tempting. Actually, Breaking Bad terrifies me, and it’s making me seriously question my plans for opening a meth lab.

So I’m not doing that either. Although what I am doing might be equally as challenging. I’ve been working on getting my book together to send off. And, let me tell you, it ain’t easy. I need to hunker down and concentrate my energy on that right now if I really plan to make a go of this thing. And, I wanna make a go of it because I’ve come too far to turn back now. I’ve written bits and pieces over the years, but now I have to put them all together in a coherent, organized, readable fashion, and that’s a real pain in the a$$. Why can’t people just figure it out for themselves? Why do I have to do all the work? People are so lazy these days. They want everything to make sense, and that’s just not how I roll. Does life make sense? Huh? Does the world make sense? NooOooo. But apparently publishers and audiences expect me to make sense. That’s a double standard if you ask me.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve been up to, and I just wanted to let you know. It’s not that I’m ignoring you. And, I hope that you’ll have patience for me through this difficult time. I plan on posting occasionally. I’d like to keep up Tweetpeat Tuesday at least, and I’m shooting for doing some sort of short post on Thursdays, but with the holidays thrown in, who knows? Also, I’ll be on the Twitter and Facebook and all that although my daughter informs me that Facebook is over. I’ll tell her to inform all the bazillions of people on Facebook about that.

So hang tight. I’ll definitely keep you updated. And wish me luck.

photo credit: A river runs through via photopin cc

Hey, TIME How About Banning “Bitch?”

Think

I have long wanted to write this piece. I have rolled it around in my brain for years but never put my thoughts to paper. What would I say? How would I frame it? What was the context? But TIME Magazine’s list issued last month of suggested words to slash from the English language, gave me clarity. The magazine’s suggestion to ban the word, “feminist,” gave me all the fuel I needed to finally put my pent up thoughts to laptop, and today I’m honored that my essay, Here’s a Word TIME Magazine Could Ban, has been published on The Broad Side.

While I understand much has been said in the wake of the poll and the magazine has issued a quasi-apology, my criticism of their error goes beyond simply condemning the magazine and looks at what their statement really says, why feminism is still very much needed today and how TIME could have put their list to better use.

I’m aware the opinion expressed in my piece might not be a popular one given the common and casual use of the term “bitch” by just about everyone. But the word has always managed to shock and assault me every single time I hear it. I am jolted by its use time and again because the word is so hateful and yet so easily tossed around. I hope you will go take a look as I am quite proud that my words have found a home on such a thoughtful and respected site run by the accomplished and award-winning journalist, author, editor and political strategist formerly known as PunditMom. PunditMom or Joanne Bamberger as she is now known is not only the founder and publisher of this site but also the proud owner of many titles. She has been honored as an innovative “disruptor” in new media (yeah!), has won an Advocacy Innovator Award (she can advocate for me anytime) and has been named one of the Most Powerful Moms in Social Media (that’s right). The woman has more titles than will fit in this blog post. Let’s just say she’s impressive, and I am humbled and delighted to be in her company. Now go read it! And tell me what you think. Thanks.
photo credit: jDevaun.Photography via photopin cc

Better Know A Blogger: Love Morning Wood

Better-Know-A-Blogger:LoveMorningWood

It’s only right that as Stephen Colbert enters the final weeks of his glorious, ground-breaking, brilliant show, Better Know a Blogger shall too come to an end (see the origins here if you’re curious). Now and forever, I stand in solidarity with The Colbert Report (I love you, Stephen!) But fret not my fellow bloggers. This is not a time to be sad (ok, it is), but it’s also a time to rejoice in all that we shared together and the myriad fond memories we shall cherish for a lifetime.

Plus, today we are going out with a bang. I have for you the very funny and extremely fecund (look it up or just click on the link if you’re lazy because I defined it for you in Word to Your Motha) Tara of Love Morning Wood. But that’s not what it sounds like. Or maybe it is. I don’t know. Tara claims she titled her blog as such because she wrote early in the morning and because her last name is Wood. And she wanted everyone to love it. The name has nothing to do with loving the other morning wood, ok? Although it does bring in a lot of strange internet searches usually resulting in disappointment for the searchers.

Tara is a southern girl with lots of kids she calls the Woodchips. Isn’t that cute? At first I was like what the hell are these woodchips she’s talking about? Then I got it. Because I’m smart like that. She’s a blogger and freelance writer from Augusta, Georgia who lives in a perpetual state of blissful exhaustion caring for her 6 children (make that 7 when her husband is sick). She enjoys sitting down occasionally and long walks, all alone, in Target. The first piece of Tara’s that I read was Zero Shits to Give, and I instantly fell in love. Go, ahead, read it. But first read this.

1. Why did you decide to start your blog, and did you have any idea what you were getting yourself into?

I started my blog to shut up my friend Steve, honestly. He bullied me into committing to write something every day. I thought I’d keep it up for maybe 3 days.

OFM: Funny, no one in my life has ever encouraged my writing.

LMW: After the first week, I looked forward to getting up at 4:30am to write.

OFM: What?

LMW: I had no idea that anyone other than my family and a few friends would read it. I was even more surprised at how much I enjoyed the process. It was new and terrifying and brutal.

OFM: I hear you.

LMW: I can’t remember life before writing now.

But wait, there’s more –>

Dad’s Prank is So Wrong

Yet so funny. I know, I know. It’s awful. And when I clicked on the video I fully expected to be outraged. And I would have been except I couldn’t stop laughing. I’m sorry. I know I’m a horrible person, but it’s funny when the kid…well, I don’t want to spoil it if you haven’t seen it yet so look for yourselves.

Am I wrong? C’mon it was funny. I’m not saying anyone should do this. In fact, do NOT do this. Ever. It was just funny since I already knew it was a prank. But I can’t believe anyone would actually terrorize their partner like that. The guy even titled the video “Killing My Own Kid Prank.” Who does that? If I was that guy’s wife I think I would have made my own video called, “Killing My Own Husband,” only it wouldn’t be a prank.

Something else that’s completely incomprehensible yet funny?

But wait, there’s more –>

Better Know A Blogger: Hungry Little Animal

 

Leslie of Hungry Little Animal

Today I have the lovely and multi-talented Leslie Kendall Dye of Hungry Little Animal on Better Know A Blogger. I met Leslie online. In a nefarious chat room. Just kidding, but that’s how it always sounds. I read her piece, How Not to Potty Train at the Metropolitan Museum of Art on Blunt Moms and had to get more. So I did. I followed her all around the internet until she finally let me be her friend. Then I demanded she answer all my questions and submit a bio and here we are.

Leslie’s bio may be more interesting than any of the interview questions I’ve come up with. Leslie grew up in LA and started working in theatre at age ten, playing the the Little Prince in a ballet adaptation of the book by Antoine de Saint Exupery.

Leslie: I hope my characterization didn’t wreck the book for anyone.

At 11 she began working in television and film.

Leslie: Although during the lean times I was forced to return to school.

Unconscionable.

Leslie: I co-starred in a wildly unpopular Fox TV series starring the late great Sam Kinison, and I did a turn on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine which is the one thing people ever care about on my resume. Seriously. A man in England bought the costume at auction, which I guess is nice if you want an old TV costume of yours hanging on a stranger’s mannequin in the basement of his country house. (Could I make this up?)

OFM: I don’t think so. Although I’m more interested in the whole co-starring with Sam Kinison bit. Were you Punky Bruster? Am I friends with Punky Bruster?!

Leslie: Anyway, I grew up, attended Columbia University, kept working in Los Angeles and New York after graduation, met my husband while shooting a film, got married and had one perfect kid. I think so, anyway. I mean I know I have only one kid, but technically the “perfect” thing is subjective.

OFM: I have called my kids a lot off things, but I don’t think perfect was ever one of them.

Leslie: I still dance and act, but these days, more in my head than in real life. Once the kid goes to school, that life will call to me and I shall answer the call. In the meantime I am available for day shoots, staged readings and any other acting gig that takes only a few days. You know, if you are reading this and hiring.

OFM: I have a lot of film execs reading my blog.

Leslie: I live in NYC with my husband and kid. That is obvious, but I just like writing it out, as it sounds like it is on the dust jacket of a book I wrote. I have not written a book.

OFM: Do you happen to know Stephen Colbert by any chance?

But wait, there’s more –>

Tweetpeat Tuesday: Best Tweets Evah. Maybe.

So I woke up this morning and said, “I really hope a have a draft saved on my blog for today.” I didn’t. Then I had to scramble to come up with something for your amusement. I hope you appreciate it.

I think I did alright. So, now, in no specific order is what I could come up with on the fly right before I was supposed to publish this post and after my computer ate the copy I had perfected, and I had to do it all over again.

Now if Build-A-Bear was called Build-a-Chicken, they might be on to something.

Now if Build-A-Bear was called Build-a-Chicken, they might be on to something. I’d pay good money for that guy. Photo credit: ChrisGoldNY via photopin cc

How I loathe Build-A-Bear. Thank God my kids are over that phase of overpriced ugly stuffed animals and onto overpriced video games. They may, however, never be over this phase.

I love Hello Kitty as much as the next person, but maybe when you’re in college lay off of the Hello Kitty accouterments a little.

You know what you shouldn’t lay off of? Telling someone how much they mean to you.

It’s true. Life is too short. You gotta live it to the fullest. Case in point:   

At least he knows who he is. That’s an attractive quality. Plus, wasn’t that the concept behind Taco Bell’s Gordita?

But wait, there’s more –>

Pre-Thanksgiving Gripefest, An Annual OFM Holiday Tradition

I am, however, very grateful for this little guy.

I am, however, very grateful for this little guy. Photo credit: derekbruff via photopin cc

On this day before Thanksgiving, I thought it would be nice to pause for a moment and take stock of all the things that really irritate us. With everyone talking turkey and gratitude and Thanksgiving recipes and decorations and crafts and activities and traditions and tips and hacks and shoving all that holiday cheer in our faces, it only serves to magnify the daily trials and frustrations of life that we are somehow supposed to ignore and just be happy. Well, I won’t be happy. There are a whole host of things for which I am not grateful and they deserve at least as much recognition as all the holiday cheer clogging up our news feeds and timelines and Pinterest boards. If we have to have a whole day dedicated to being grateful, then it’s only fair we have a whole day dedicated to being ungrateful. In fact, I suggest an annual Day of Grievances will only benefit our Day of Thanks. For only after we make it through the storm do we truly appreciate what we have.

So today, in hopes that this may become a nation-wide, annual, pre-Thanksgiving Day tradition, I will list all the things for which I am not thankful.

I’m not thankful for stupid people. Or annoying people. Or salespeople who cannot be bothered to greet you or get off their cell phones while completing a transaction. Um, that’s your JOB.

I’m not thankful for reward programs offering free drinks after the purchase of a certain number of drinks that then inform you, when you attempt to redeem your coupon, your free drink coupon has expired.

I am especially not thankful for people who saunter slowly straight down the middle of a parking lot as if cars are not directly behind them, attempting to navigate but are prevented from doing so all because of the pedestrians’ blatant disregard, which could be easily remedied with no inconvenience to pedestrians themselves by simply scooting over to one side or the other, but instead everyone in the whole God damn world must wait for the pedestrians to complete their trek while all parties involved are keenly aware that vehicles are quite large and forceful and, potentially, could ram into and run them over.

I am not thankful for celebrities with no talent or brain cells

I’m not thankful for cashiers who, when asked for tissue paper to cover over your purchases to prevent your kid from seeing what you bought since you have no choice but to shop with your child for her presents or otherwise risk buying a shirt in the wrong shade of blue, condemning it to languish in the closet, tags dangling from the sleeve, for the rest of its natural life, cannot locate the tissue paper after minimal effort and then ask a coworker for help and upon being given a clear response, identifying a large pile of white paper under the counter, the cashier approaches, squats down in front of and stares at the object in question before once again asking, “Where is it?”

But wait, there’s more –>

A One Man Tweeting Machine

One Man Tweeting Machine

photo credit: merfam via photopin cc

Today, on this very special Tweetpeat Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I want to give thanks to someone near and dear to my heart (and Twitter feed), Simon Holland. Through his insightful observations in the form of 140-character missives, he has brought joy and levity to the world. And, that’s what the world needs now more than ever. So I’m doing something I don’t ordinarily do. I’m dedicating an entire post to one twit, Simon Holland. He’s a one man tweeting machine and one of the best tweeple I know.

*Shivers ripple through the conference room.*

That’s what happens if you eat one of those. Whenever I see those commercials, which start around now, I always wonder how Werther’s is still in business. Seriously, have you ever once seen anyone buy or eat those things? Exactly. And, I have to ask, at some point wouldn’t their whole customer base die out?

Speaking of a dying breed…

But wait, there’s more –>

Prepare to be Dazzled by Zazzle(d)

Prepare to be Dazzled by Zazzle(d)

Guys, I’ve got exciting news. I’ve opened up shop.

That’s right. You, too, can now own One Funny Motha trinkets, oddities and quality, top-of-the-line t-shirts! I know it’s what the world’s been waiting for… or at least what I’ve been waiting for.

I was inspired by Abby who has issues. She recently opened her Zazzle shop after encouragement by her loyal and adoring fans. I’d been thinking about doing something like that – not that anyone encouraged me or anything. But because I’d like to wear some of the things I say. Also, I saw a really cool flask. I’ve always wanted one of those. You know, for the times you’re at family gatherings and light alcohol just isn’t enough.

After Abby opened hers, I was like, “I want one.” And, since lack of enthusiasm’s never stopped me, now there’s OneFunnyMothaisms for all! Wear them proudly on your person or gaze at them lovingly over breakfast with your family. You can even tuck them discreetly into the inside, hidden zip pocket of your coat so you always have OFM with you, near to your heart.

Perhaps opening a Zazzle shop just so I can buy my own products defeats the whole purpose, but I figured if I wanted them maybe someone else might want them, too. So now it’s One Funny Motha for all and all for One Funny Motha or something like that.

Now you may be the proud owner of these…

 

Yes, as the product name indicates, this shirt is the best t-shirt in the world. But after I created that one I thought, Why should childless people be penalized?

So I created this.

 

Annoying People T-Shirt
Annoying People T-Shirt by OneFunnyMotha
Find more Funny T-Shirts at Zazzle

Who couldn’t use this shirt? This one has best-seller written all over it.

And, for all those special occasions, I have this delightful beauty that’s bound to make all your holidays bright.

Drinking Companion Flask
Drinking Companion Flask by OneFunnyMotha
Look at more Humor Premium Flask at zazzle

 

Product Description: The best purchase you will ever make (and best friend you’ll ever have). For all those times you’re stuck at pointless PTA meetings, volunteering at the school’s annual fund-raising carnival or celebrating the holidays with the in-laws, this slim, tasteful and streamlined go-anywhere companion will liven things right up and make these tasks bearable. (You see where I get my mad copywriting skills now, don’t you?)

And for the everyday occasion I offer this modern, minimalist mug in elegant black type on white ground with a whimsical splash of red.

 

Mug statement: “Morning isn’t good time for me. Neither is the afternoon.” Product description: Without ever uttering a word but by simply hoisting a mug, you can let the whole world know how you feel. This mug clearly expresses when would be a good time for you. In this case, never. Never would be a good time. Perfect for home or office.

Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t express my mission statement on a study, practical houseware item, handy for daily affirmation.

Don't Care Mug
Don’t Care Mug by OneFunnyMotha
Look at Humorous Mugs online at Zazzle.com

 

So that’s my shop so far, but there’s many, many more items to come (as soon as I think of them). I’m sure I don’t need to remind you, but Christmas is right around the corner. These t-shirts, mugs and flasks make the perfect holiday gifts for everyone on your list! Except babies… and toddlers… and kids under 21. But screw em. They’ve already taken everything from us.

Better Know A Blogger: Middletini

Middletini

The first thing you need to know about Middletini is that she starts every post with a cocktail. That, right there, is the way to start a blog post. In fact, she welcomes readers to her page with, “While I pour you a drink, let me explain my little corner of the internet. Think of it as a swank, fun cocktail bar in the very nicest section of hell.” But it’s just across the border from heaven.

The other thing you need to know is, “It’s all about balance.” That’s her tag line. And it’s true. Everything in this life is all about balance – as simple and difficult as that may be. Kathleen is trying to find hers and being brutally honest about the process so that others may be able to do the same.

1. Why did you decide to start your blog, and did you have any idea what you were getting yourself into?

I started reading another blog – Rants From Mommyland – on recommendation from a friend. Not only was it extremely funny, it opened my eyes to the fact that there are tons of people out there who have given up on trying to maintain this facade of perfection. You can have a good life and still go through some pretty crappy times, and there are a lot of people who are close to falling apart on the inside and you would never know it. I used to be one of them – I about lost my damn mind when I was staying home with two small children, slogging through a pit of anxiety and depression, and not getting the support I needed from my then-husband (in part because I did not ask for it). Only when I stopped holding myself to this impossible standard was I able to step back and start making positive changes in my life. Also, once I let go of the suburban mom rat race, I realized how hilarious it was to set up these grandiose plans for the perfect home/party/marriage/menu/life, only to have your toddler walk in, grubby and pantsless, and start writing on your wall with a Sharpie while simultaneously peeing on your spotless floor when you have your back turned. I wanted to add my voice to this community of writers and help reach out to people who are struggling with the disconnect between their expectations and their reality.

OFM: Sing it sister.

2. How long have you been at this racket?

About 2.5 years. Only within the past 6 months have I started getting read by people who don’t personally know me, though. I saw yesterday that one of my blog posts was shared by someone in Saskatoon, so apparently I’m big in Saskatchewan.

OFM: Woo hoo! I’m huge in Azerbaijan.

But wait, there’s more –>