The Bachelor & Vanderpump Rules: Perfect Together

The Bachelor & Vanderpump Rules_ Perfect

Monday night was quite possibly the greatest night of television viewing in my entire career.

Alone in a quiet house as my husband was out driving the kids somewhere (I don’t know – I try not to to get too involved), I found myself in a rare moment of peace and solitude. With dinner over and the lights dimmed, I wandered into the darkened sunroom. I felt a little strange as this had never happened to me before. I sunk into the couch and grabbed the remote. I could have myself a real sit-down right there in front of the T.V. I could watch something I wanted to watch. Undisturbed. As there’s always Facebook to check or a kid yammering or my husband hogging the remote and forcing me to watch Backwoods Law or Alaskan Bush People or Amish Mafia or Mountain Monster Hunters or one of the other 5,000 variations on that theme, I knew I HAD to take advantage of this opportunity. It was like the 100-year storm. It might not come again. Except for in another 10 years.

My husband will deny my accusations, of course, and he does share the remote, but I don’t know. I never feel like I can really, fully relax and enjoy the shows I want to watch. Like The Bachelor for example. And, he’ll never watch them with me and mock them mercilessly because he’s selfish.

In that moment I made a decision. I would watch The Bachelor. I deserved it after all. But then I saw that Vanderpump Rules’ or VR (because I can’t write that title out every time) was on, and I was torn. So then I started flipping back and forth, and I realized something. The two shows shouldn’t be watched in isolation. In fact, the two should only be viewed in combination because, seriously, who can watch a whole, uninterrupted hour of The Bachelor? Never mind two. It’s torture. Viewing both simultaneously makes The Bachelor tolerable. Too bad I only realized that on the second to last episode of the season. Sadly, they’ll only be perfect together one more time.

How am I going to make it through the next The Bachelor?

At least, next week is VR’s season finale. I’m seriously bummed about that. The good news for you, if you’ve never watched the show, is you can tune in at any point during the season and pick it up because it’s all the same episode – just with different hair and outfits.

I’m not sure about The Bachelor. It might be over next week because he’s down to two women or “girls” as he likes to call them, but I don’t really watch the show, and they do have a way of drawing that program out to make it as painful as possible. And, then of course, there’s the post-show reunion, The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, The Bachelor: The Bachelor Tells All and maybe even some spin-offs like The Bachelor: The Wedding, The Bachelor: The Honeymoon, and The Bachelor: Marriage Counseling.

Chris Harrison, are you listening? Call me.

I know it might seem weird to review or write about a show that you don’t watch, but like I say, you see one episode of The Bachelor, you’ve seen them all. To tell the truth, I’m surprised the show’s still on. I think I watched the first season when it aired back in 1980. (Ok, just Googled it, and they’re actually on the 19th season. Which means this show has been regurgitated NINETEEN times.) The weird thing is the show was awful then, and they haven’t changed a damn thing since. Not.One.Thing. Which is really kind of astounding. It’s not like they lacked the time to improve it. Which begs the question: How is this show still on?

But wait, there’s more –>

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Hideous Teen Fashion Continued

By OneFunnyMotha.com

By OneFunnyMotha.com

Hey, guys. Remember my teen fashion piece? Well, it really resonated with the people. I think because it’s a vastly under-reported topic. The people are hungry for information about it, and I bring you that information. I hit the streets, as a reporter, to get the real story – especially when my kids are home for the 500,000th day off from school and my daughter has 200 gift cards from Christmas and they hound me into taking them to the mall. But, you know what? I don’t just go to the mall. No. I’m on a mission to bring you the who, what, where, when and why (oh, yeah, I went to my journalism classes). Unfortunately, this time I only bring you the who and the what. I can’t explain the why, which only makes this story more intriguing and compelling.

The people at Mamapedia are intrigued at least. They’re running my story right now today. So if you missed it the other day, you can make it up to me now by going over and checking it out. You.Will.Be.Amazed.

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It’s Coming! I Still Just Want to Pee Alone Cover Reveal

 

Coming 3-27-15

See? I didn’t lie. It’s right there in black and white. To be honest I didn’t believe it was actually happening until I saw the back cover with my name on it. I have a hard time believing good things are going to happen. I always think, What if something goes wrong? What if Jen Mann – creator, author, blogging powerhouse behind the project – says, “You know what? I reconsidered. I decided not to do the book.” Or what if something happens with the printer and the whole thing falls apart? Or, worse, what if Jen says, “Stacey, I was just being nice, but your essay really sucks, and I don’t want you in the book anymore?” What happens then, huh? You didn’t think about that, did you?

Well I do.

I keep sitting here waiting for something to go wrong, waiting for someone to say “Psych!” like back in high school when we were all wearing Cavaricci’s and Wigwams. I won’t feel I can claim authorship or that my essay is going to be published until I have that book firmly in my hands as proof. Otherwise, if I got all my hopes up and went around excitedly telling all these people and then it doesn’t happen, I look like a complete jerk and not at all like the “badass” I was pretending to be and which the book boldly proclaims I am, printed as fact right there on the jacket cover.

See how easily it is to go from badass to loser?

But wait, there’s more –>

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What Not to Wear: Teen Edition

What Not to Wear- Teen Ediotion

I recently spent some time at the mall. It’s something I vigorously try to avoid, but I have a teenage daughter and that complicates my efforts. It seems teenage girls’ life-blood springs directly from the mall, or they can buy it there or something. I don’t know. I try not to get too involved. I just know teen girls must go to the mall frequently or they’ll die. And, considering we were having mid-winter break (because two weeks of winter break apparently isn’t enough), and The Kid racked up a good amount of gift cards over the Christmas season, I agreed to take her. I also had to go to the Mac store, which was the true reason for the excursion, because my laptop appears to be dying a slow, painful and rather inexplicable death, and I fear it’s going to crash and burn at any moment, leaving me with nothing but the smoking, charred remains of my cumulative life’s work at which point I’ll have to stab myself repeatedly through the heart, so we went.

After Julio told me there was basically nothing wrong with my Mac upon running his inadequate diagnostic tests because I know my computer is possessed by a demon force and is about to blow Julio was just unable – no matter how genius he is and I do believe he believes himself to be genius – to detect it, we left and headed for that hallowed retail ground of teenage youth, H&M.

I don’t know what’s happened in the fashion industry in the past decade or so, but they seem to have abandoned all basic design principles. Like the clothing should look good. In H&M among numerous other stores my daughter and her teenage comrades frequent (although H&M is the top offender. Remember when they first broke onto the scene? What happened?) I found some rather disturbing fashion trends, and they need to stop. Now.

My daughter pulled this little number off the rack and looked at me with pleading eyes. I said no. I wasn’t spending good money on something that looked like a little, old lady with very dated fashion sense playing shuffleboard on the Lido deck of a cruise ship headed to Puerto Vallarta might be wearing.

 

Floral print top

 

Plus, my Grandma had a couch in that fabric once.

Then I saw this. I think Jan from the Brady Bunch wore this outfit when they went on their Hawaiian vacation.

But wait, there’s more –>

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What Your Man Really Wants for Valentine’s Day

Yes, ladies, I have the answer. And, don’t worry you’re not going to have to go all 50 Shades of Gray or anything to make your man happy. What I’m talking about is really quite simple and easy to pull off.

While I’m not typically one for all this sappy love nonsense, I do want to get my man a little something something for V-Day, and after nearly 20 years of searching, I finally found the perfect gift. I guarantee every man will want this. But to find out what it is you’re gonna have to go over to Mamalode. My piece, The Perfect Valentine’s Gift for Your Man, is being featured over there today. You’ll be glad you did. And, your welcome.

Ho. Hey. Just remember there are consequences to that type of activity.

Ho. Hey. Just remember there are consequences to that type of activity.

 

Photo credit (top): Leave a little love wherever you go (CC) via photopin (license)

photo credit (bottom): wilding.andrew via photopin cc

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I Don’t Ever Want to See This Again

I don’t go out much, but when I do it’s to Bed, Bath and Beyond to buy a coffee bean grinder to replace the temperamental one that’s been on the fritz for the past year but can intermittently be made to work if you’re persistent enough until, of course, the day of its inevitable death comes, and then you can’t get it to grind for so much as two seconds just to have enough coffee to make a cup before you have to deal with replacing your broken coffee grinder. Which was the point I was at the other week when I ventured out to Bed, Bath and Beyond. And since I rarely leave my house to avoid interacting with the world, whenever I do, it’s like what I imagine a space mission to Mars would be like for the astronauts on board. Or time travel if you wound up somewhere in the future. Strolling through the densely-packed aisles of the Bed, Bath & Beyond, I stare in wide-eyed amazement at all the unfathomable, absurd and completely asinine products.

Bed, Bath and Beyond is like the bricks and mortar QVC of the real world. Their warehouse space is filled to the rafters with metric ton upon metric ton of products I can’t imagine anyone has any actual need for.

On my recent mission I found this…

??

??

 

 

Does anybody not know dogs don’t need a booster seat? They’re dogs.

Then there was this:

But wait, there’s more –>

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Sometimes I Feel Sad. Then I Find Out I’m in a Book

This could be you!

This could be you!

Sometimes I feel sad.

Sometimes I want to throw in the towel.

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be able to keep up. Ok, all of the time. And, I’m tired of trying.

Sometimes I just want to lie on the couch for 2 weeks straight.

Sometimes I feel like how the hell am I supposed to do all of this? It’s impossible.

Most of the time I want the world to go away. Or, at least, stop for a minute.

Sometimes I have nothing to say. Other times the thoughts flood my brain, and I can’t get them down fast enough.

Sometimes I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

Sometimes I wonder how long I can keep this pace.

Sometimes I’m afraid I can’t do it.

But that’s when I think, And then what?

What choice is there?

So I keep going.

And then the best thing happens. Things actually work out.

As unbelievable as that sounds, they do, and your work gets accepted. You learn your writing will be in a real, live book. And you are what you always wanted to be. A writer. With proof you can hold in your hand. It’s no longer imaginary or fantasy or aspiration. It’s real. And all of the sudden the world isn’t such a horrible place anymore. Actually, it’s kind of miraculous and magical and full of possibility.

But who has time for that, anymore? You’ve got books to sell!

Editor’s note: If you haven’t heard from all the racket on Facebook, Jen Mann of People I Want to Punch in the Throat just announced the publication of I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone, the sequel to the best-selling parenting humor anthology I Just Want to Pee Alone, and my essay was selected to be in the book along with 30 fantastically funny contributors for your reading pleasure. It’s such a perfect fit for me because I’ve always wanted to pee alone along with everything else in my life since having kids. More breaking developments will be forthcoming, but what I can tell you right now is the book will be out in mid-March. As in, next month. So start saving those pennies. I can also tell you March is my birthday month. So you have to buy a book – for my birthday. Also, as of right now I’m turning this blog into a retail site. I’ll only be selling one thing, but, seriously, what else could you possibly need? I promise I’ll try not to be too annoying although I’m probably not in a position to make that promise. So, instead, allow me to apologize in advance for all my annoyingness. To make it up to you I’m going to be offering something special with the purchase of every book. Not sure what yet. Some people are coupling their copies with Girl Scout cookies, others with bookmarks or Halloween candy. But I want to do something a little different. I’m thinking about offering nude photos with mine. Of course the nude photo will come with a potato head attached so I’m not sure what segment of the population that would appeal to. But I’m sure there’s a substantial underground potato fetish population out there. I mean wasn’t that in 50 Shades of Grey?

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Mom Bills Little Boy for Missing Birthday Party

Pay up kid. That fun ain't free you know.

Pay up kid. That fun ain’t free you know.

First, I just want to say: Who does that?

Secondly, how dumb can you be? Kids have no money. At least go after someone rich.

This fascinating story about the mom who billed the little boy for failing to attend her kid’s birthday party has been all over the news and social media (and I have loved every second of it), but no matter which side you’re on — the it-was-rude-not-to-inform-the-mom-your-kid-wasn’t-attending side or the birthday-mother-was-obnoxious-for-sending-an-invoice side — I can end the whole debate right here without needing to delve into the merit of either side.

Allow me to explain why the whole debate moot.

Your kid’s birthday is approaching. You decide to throw him a party. You invite people. You hope people will kindly RSVP by the date on the invitation. The date passes. You hope people will kindly RSVP by any date. The day of the party swiftly approaches. You get nervous. No one has RSVPed. You think, Is anyone coming to this Goddamn party I just shelled out a boatload of money for? You pray. You remember the Internet. You take to your keyboard and frantically type emails to the families to make sure someone is coming. You go to the party and rejoice that some people showed. Also, some people you didn’t invite showed. Everyone runs around guzzling as much candy and soda as they can cram into their gullets as possible. You go home.

It’s called life.

I’d like to state for the record (because apparently this common fact is not known to all): If you throw a party you may not charge your guests for the party. You know why? Because you decided to throw the party. If you do not want to pay for said party, do not throw the party. Simple. Did you also ask the guests to bring their own slice of pizza and piece of birthday cake as you would not be providing those items either?

I’ll tell you what, I would love for this little fact of life not to be true. Because if I asked my guests to bring all the food and wine they’d like to consume with them to my party, do you know how easy my life would be? I mean, when you’re hosting who wants to be bothered by all that preparation and cooking and cleaning and setting up? It’s too much of a hassle. I’d much rather sit back, relax and have the guests do it all. I’d have them bring their own dishes, cups and cutlery, too, and tell them not to forget to come back the next day to vacuum up. They left the crumbs after all. I just might start throwing parties all the time. Think of how much fun it’ll be.

Here’s the thing. If you chose to have the party, you must pony up for the party no matter how many guests there are, who shows, who doesn’t. It is regrettable that some people do not RSVP. I’ve certainly been frustrated and upset when people didn’t RSVP to my kids’ parties. It’s rude and inconsiderate, but it also may be an honest mistake. Life is busy and people forget. Or maybe those people are just jerks, and you should be glad you discovered that so you can move on. Either way, chalk it up to a learning experience.

I have even been, on occasion, one of those bad people who has forgotten. I not proud, but it’s happened. It’s nothing to start invoicing people over. Although if we’re gonna go that route, there are plenty of people I’d like to invoice for rude behavior and perceived slights. So let me know if we are going to switch up the rules on common sense.

The one other thing I’d like to say on all this: Who invites a bunch of 5-year-olds to a ski lesson birthday party?

photo credit: StaunchThrowback via photopin cc

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What Do You Do When Your Kids Won’t Stop Lying?

Liars. All of them!

Liars. All of them!

 

I’ll tell you what I do, but I’m gonna have to tell you over on Mommyish because I got my first piece published over there, and I’m super stoked about it. Stoked isn’t a word I use lightly. In fact, I never use the word “stoked” at all because I’m not a college student, and I don’t live in the northwest either. Those are the only two circumstances under which the use of the word is understandable. But I was going for something a little different. A little pizazzy. To show how very stoked I was. I didn’t want to say excited because excited is so…boring. It doesn’t fully capture my excitedness. I could say psyched, but again I’m probably 20 years too old for that word. What else can I say to express my joyous delight in being published over there? Ebullience? Yes, I think that’s it. I am ebullient. Although not so much over the subject matter. Kids lying. Specifically my kids lying. To me. All the time. About their ailments. To get out of going to school. And it drives me insane.

Basically, Meghan Trainor said it all in “Lips Are Moving.” I think she was talking about her kids.

What about you? Are your kids pathological liars? How do you handle it? And how do you know?! I mean what if they really are dying, but you can’t tell for sure?

Go take a look and tell me because I’m tired of being a goddamn private eye.

And if you are so inclined follow me on the Facebook for daily fun and games. Or subscribe to the blog by entering your email address over there —> on the upper right where it says “Subscribe. I’ll be your best friend.” I will. Promise.

photo credit: woodleywonderworks via photopin cc

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On Writing

On Writing

I wrote this on Sunday.

I know I’ve been ignoring you lately, but I needed a little time away. I’ve been working my fingers to the bone over here on a longer work, one I hope will be worthy of publication. I really haven’t talked to anyone in days. Well, my husband calls me every now and then (he took the kids skiing), but I mean a real conversation. Not that we have real conversations when he’s home or anything, but at least there’s the possibility.

I stayed behind, left alone to work. Which has made me think a lot about the writing process. How it works or, in my case, how it doesn’t, how to get it to work, and how great writers do what they do. How to go back and forth in time, how the story should be sequenced, what goes where and when, what to put in and what to take out.

How am I supposed to do all that? Huh? It’s near impossible.

Then the other day I was listening to the radio, and an interview with Anne Lamott came on. It was quite unexpected, and I got so excited. I know people revere her, but I’m not one who really gets start struck by anyone except for Stephen Colbert and maybe POTUS, which is a bad acronym if you ask me. It makes me think of potato. And that’s not very presidential. Couldn’t they have come up with something better? I mean the guy’s the president of the United States for Christ sake. You’d think he could have a good acronym. Why not #Pres? Even #USP would’ve been better. Anyway, I wasn’t really star struck by Lamott. I mean I do like her work, and I like her as a person, and I’d love to see her speak somewhere, but with all this writing on my mind, the interview was just perfect timing, and I was eager to hear what she had to say. So I listened to the whole thing, and I think I’m becoming a little reverey.

But wait, there’s more –>

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