Sexy Tweets*

Hey, ho.

Hey, ho. Get a room. Photo credit: Toni Blay via photopin cc

*If you take sexy to mean humorous. C’mon I gotta do somethin to draw in the readers, and sex sells. Basically I’m putting sex in the title of every post from now on no matter what it’s about. And, this post is about men and women, which together holds the possibility of leading to sex – at some point. So, technically, I didn’t lie, and now that you’re here, you should read it. You’ll get some tips that might help you in the sexy department at least.

Like this.

 

See? Learning something already. Sounds like the perfect date night. Some of us appreciate quality alone time on the couch. 

Many of my fondest memories involve laying on the couch.

Couch, I love you.

Couch, I love you. Photo credit: .nate via photopin cc

But wait, there’s more –>

HumorOutcasts & Me: Perfect Together

I’m humorous. And outcasty so HumorOutcasts & I are a perfect combo. Today I’m over there talkin bout my kitties. Specifically the time I had to pooper scoop their litter box, and, let me tell you, that is not a pleasant job. Which is why I leave it to my husband. But this one time he was going away and taking the kids so I couldn’t even make them do it. It wasn’t fair. But everything in life is a trade off, and if I wanted to be rid of the kids for the weekend I was gonna have to scoop some poop to get it.

I thought I could do it. I thought it would be no big deal, really, but what I uncovered when I lifted up the cover to the litter box just might have been the 8th wonder of the world. Go read my piece, Sh@%ty Kitties, now. You’ll be glad you did. Because who doesn’t enjoy reading about cat poop?

I’ll See You in Court

I'll See You in Court

 

I got called for jury duty today which is why I’m not here typing away. It’s a bit of a pain especially since I just found out my kids have a half day, but I believe in doing my civic duty so I’m going.

I know I’ll be picked because I’m always picked (based on my one other experience on jury duty). But, seriously, I’ll be picked because I’m normal or at least I appear that way in public. I’m good at hiding my crazy. I also want to be a good little citizen, and I’m honest so when they see me coming the judge and litigators start licking their chops. I’m absolutely no good at lying. I can’t do it. I start to sweat and babble and before you know it I’m apologizing profusely while tripping my way to the door before fleeing the room in shame. I think that’s my biggest regret in life – that I can’t lie. Think about how much easier life is went you’re adept at lying. You can get out of anything. You can be a very successful salesperson or ad exec. I can’t do anything or get out of anything, and now I’ll be stuck on jury duty for the rest of my life.

But wait, there’s more –>

Funny Random Tweets

I’m devoid of all order, rhyme or reason today because sometimes that’s just how life is.

Not bad for 80, right?

 

But I have some good tweets for you today because I found my new favorite tweeter, and you will too because he’s featured below. But first we must start with my tweets because it’s my blog, and that’s how this works.

Oh, who am I kidding? It is all about Kitty. Well, Kitty and Joan Rivers. At least the other week it was. I wanted to post this tweet then, but I thought it was too soon. Now that a couple of weeks have passed, I feel I’ve waited long enough. 

It’s damn funny, and I think Joan would’ve agreed. I love Joan, but, man, did she have a lot of plastic surgery. When you’re in show business I image the pressure to look young especially for women is enormous, and I could see getting a little nip and tuck, but by the end Joan couldn’t even move her face. It was a little spooky.

But wait, there’s more –>

How Does Turtle Man Do It? Operation Kitty Capture Part 2

Kitty Capture Part 2

Four hours in with us no closer to victory, that was the thought running through my head. How does Turtle Man* do it? I couldn’t even do it, and I was trying to capture a domesticated house cat.

(*Side note for those clearly not watching enough TV: Turtle Man is featured on the reality show “Call of the Wild Man” for his singular ability to rescue any wild animal with his bare hands.)

Another side note: I know I promised you this sequel like 3 months ago – maybe if the kitties would start writing some blog posts around here I would’ve gotten to it a lot sooner – and I get that you’re not waiting around to find out what happened to my kitty (like caring people), but I didn’t want to leave you hanging in case some of you have hearts and can’t sleep at night wondering about my kitties.

As I said before Kitty 2 is my kitty not because I declared it so but because she did. Kitty chose me (and despises* all other members of my family). *Not really but she’s not fond of them. So when it came time to move I knew the success of the mission rested squarely on my shoulders. No one other than me (or Turtle Man) could do it, and given only one of us was present, I was under a tremendous amount of pressure. This was only compounded by the fact that Kitty, as you may recall from The Day We Had to Capture Kitty: Part 1, is a very shy and fretful kitty. She is the very definition of scaredy cat. And I really, really, really did not want to have to be the one to grab her and stuff her into a box. Especially since she’s never even allowed anyone to pick her up ever.

But I knew it had to be done. So it was with dread in my heart that Kevin and I set out for the old house after delivering Kitty 1 to the new home and devised a plan to capture Kitty 2.

But wait, there’s more –>

Talkin Crack, Mom Jeans & Huffington Post

Nobody wants to see that.

Because nobody wants to see that.

Today I’m proud to announce my piece, “Crack is Whack,” is featured on The Huffington Post. It’s an ode to fitting jeans which, apparently, no longer exists. You may have seen my post here a few weeks ago, but if not please check it out over there because it’s an important piece in the ongoing battle for women’s rights. Like the right to carry but not bear crack, and the right to be free from forced, unwanted crack sightings from others. We must rise to the occasion unlike our jeans because together we can overcome this struggle. Together we can demand action because while today’s jeans may have many rises, they have not risen far enough.

Join me in this fight, won’t you?

 

Funny Tweets on Kids #549

Kids don't come back
The other week on the first day of school after I dropped my kids off, I rushed back home to my beloved computer to tweet all about it. I said I was doing a Jig of Joy at having gotten rid of my kids and that “Jig of Joy” was gonna be trending – just watch. I even turned it into a hashtag. #JigofJoy.

But it didn’t trend. And that makes me sad. What the hell, people? That’s a great hashtag. People the world over could use it to share their tales of euphoria at finally sending their kids packing or anything else that would be cause for a #JigofJoy. Like this.

If you found one you’d do a #JigofJoy, right?

 

And this:

If his kid would just shut the hell up, the parents would be doing a #JigofJoy.

And this…

But wait, there’s more –>

Meet Me In The Powder Room

Today, guys, I’m happy to announce I’ll be In The Powder Room all day. I don’t have the flu or anything. I’ll just be in there crying about the end of summer. I know I’ve been rejoicing that my kids are back in school, and the back-to-school part is definitely worthy of celebration. It’s just the before-the-school part that’s gotten me down. As in getting them to the actual school part. Back-to-school means every day of my life for the next 9 months I’ll have to make sure my kids’ teeth are brushed, their clothes match and their hair is not a tangled rat’s nest. And that’s a real pain. Why does motherhood have to be so hard?

I’d much rather let my kids tumble out of bed and shuffle them off to camp where they can look homeless, and nobody bats and eye.

Wedding photo

Those days are over.

So stop by the Powder Room, and we’ll have a nice chat. I’ll be in the third stall to your right. Just knock.

When I’m not takin care of bidness in the powder room you can always find me on the Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter. Join me for even more fun. And, don’t miss a laugh (or cry) by entering your email address right over there –> to the right because I don’t know how to enter it here (I’m a writer not a coder!).

Me & Tom (Petty)

Me & Tom (Petty)

“Breakdown go ahead give it to me. Breakdown, honey, take me through the night. Breakdoooown, I’m standing here, can’t you see? Breakdown it’s alright. It’s alright.”

That’s my little tribute to Tom Petty, whom I love, and whom I will be seeing tonight live and in person!

I don’t have a bucket list, but if I did seeing Tom Petty in concert would be on it. And tonight, I can die a happy woman. Well, almost. I also have The Stones on the list that doesn’t exist. Still working on that one. And, Steely Dan.

But, Tom. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, he’s a classic. And I know virtually every one of his lyrics. Which is something I can’t say for any other artists. Remember that movie, Jumping Jack Flash, with Whoopi Goldgerg back in the 80’s? The part where she was sitting in her cube at work surrounded by Gumby and Garfield and a bunch of fuzzy trolls who were all lined up on her big, boxy, cream-colored computer monitor listening to the title song by the Rolling Stones? She played the song repeatedly, trying to figure out what the hell Mick was saying? “C’mon Mick,” she pleaded. “Help me out.”

But wait, there’s more –>

Twitter. For All the Things You Can’t Say to Your Kids

 

Well, I say them because kids gotta learn.

Listen I try to be kind. I really do, but the kids put my patience to the test. And sometimes I can’t hold my tongue any longer. The first day of school was one of those times. It’s exactly like this:

Sarcasm

I’m in physical pain, people. And I have to let it out.

Another time I was in too much pain to physically endure it in any longer? This.

The other day on the last week before school started, as we were driving home from the store, I was doing my best to engage The Kid in some lively, Kid-centric, light-hearted conversation, and she was being a total pain in the… I’ll leave the word out but it only has 3 letters.

But wait, there’s more –>