Tweetpeat Tuesday: Best Parenting Tweets of the Week

The Only thing

You think it’s so easy coming up with funny tweets. Well, it’s not. I do a lot of research, people. This morning alone I just read over 200,000 tweets to come up with this. You have no idea how exhausting and frustrating it is to scroll through that many unfunny tweets. But do you care? Do you? Oh, you don’t want to hear me, you just wanna tweet.

I know, right? I don’t know what the hell people are complaining about.

I loved The Devil Wears Prada, but I bet this one will be more accurate.

I believe that’s every child’s mission in life. And, also to to destroy your home.

That’s a genius idea. That has money-maker written all over it.

But wait, there’s more –>

We Have a Winner!

This morning I got up and as usual immediately logged onto Facebook. And what was the first thing I saw? A post from Julie Bel Conner. She’s the Life Coach whose giveaway I ran last week, which I was suppose to announce the winner of today and had completely forgotten. But that’s not really the reason I’m mentioning this. I’m telling you this because this is what I saw.

Julie Bel Conner

 

And it reminded me why I paired up with Julie. I could have so used those inspiring words when my daughter was little. I felt like every day was an uphill battle and it never seemed to get any easier. You have the whole world out there telling you to be one way, to enjoy every minute, that you are supposed to love motherhood, that you should live, sleep and breath for your kids, that if you don’t delight in wiping someone’s ass there is something wrong with you. And I thought, isn’t motherhood hard enough? Do we really need these messages coming at us like we’re inadequate or there’s something wrong with us if we are not in a state of bliss?

Well, I was not in a state of bliss. In fact, I was the opposite. I was in a state of depression, and it was hard enough to make it through the day. I really didn’t need anyone’s false messaging. I’m stronger now, but I know there are plenty of other women going through that and I just fell in love with Julie’s idea of creating a service specifically focused on moms and caregivers and the tremendous stress they are under because I really don’t think our society takes that seriously.

With that I’m please to announce the winner of the 50-minute Life Coach session with Julie. And that is, Nicole! I’ve emailed you, and you can expect to hear from Julie soon. For anyone interested in working with Julie to find a better way to manage stress, handle the overwhelming demands of childcare and find yourself again, you can sign up for her 4-week Happy Mommy digital course. Learn more on her site.

Don’t forget to get your copy of I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. This book is another way to find true happiness. Available on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble.

On Being Smart and Not Murdering Your Kids

 

Brain Child 2

I’m super excited to say I’m up on Brain, Child today. But not only that. It turns out, I’m kicking off their parenting humor blog series with my essay, On Suitable Punishments for Your Child Other Than Murder. It’s a good one.

If you’ve found yourself in a similar position after Spring Break where in your child has sworn all week long he didn’t have any homework and on the very first day back to class you receive an email from the teacher informing you he failed to hand in his homework, you’ll really relate to this piece. You’ll also be glad to see murder is not the only option. It may be the best option but it is not the only option. So my kid get to live for now. I can’t make any promises about the future, though.

In the piece I talk about my desperation to find a fitting punishment, eventually turning to the people I always turn to in times of need, the internet. And, let me tell you, the good peoples of Facebook did not let me down. They came through with some excellent advice, ultimately, sparing my child’s life. The internet really is capable of wondrous things. Who knows what would’ve happened if not for Facebook. So if you’ve found yourself in a similar predicament, and, really, who hasn’t, go on over to see what your options are. And, remember like the People’s Court always said, “Don’t take the law into your own hands.” Violence is never the answer.

As a P.S. I really love the illustration they put with my piece. Illustrator, Christine Juneau, really gets me. The illustration looks EXACTLY like my life.

And don’t forget to get your copy of I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web (like me). At $9.47 on Amazon it’s cheeper than a couple of lattes at Starbucks (and lasts longer). It’s value added! You can also get it on KindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble, and I will love you forever. 

5 Quick Tips for Stressed Out Moms Plus A Giveaway

5 Quick Tips for Stressed Out Moms-2

Remember the other week when I was telling you about my 12-hour, non-stop, marathon day in Scheduling Conflicted? I feel those days happen more often than not, that they are the perpetual state of my life not some random aberration, and I know that’s the case for most moms out there. Ever since giving birth 14 years ago I’ve been looking for a better, saner, calmer existence. Actually, that’s why this blog was born. I wanted to highlight the absurdities of modern motherhood and let other mothers know they aren’t alone in this often difficult journey.

Still, I haven’t quite found the answer. Which is why I’m really glad to bring Julie Bel Conner to my blog today. She’s a life coach, a yoga and meditation teacher and a former preschool and elementary school teacher looking to help moms find a better way. I couldn’t agree with Julie’s philosophy and message more. In fact, what Julie discusses below are themes I’ve always been passionate about, advocate for and run through what I hope will be my first memoir. Like Julie I believe moms are just regular people who happen to be mothers. I believe we are entitled to the same rights, expectations and limitations as any other human. Somehow motherhood bestows other, higher, super-human expectations on women. I’ve always rejected that. I’ve always believed we had a right to our own needs and desires and our true selves. And by doing such everyone benefits.

Julie and I are of like minds and, as it turns out, of similar histories. Like Julie I’ve suffered from terrible anxiety and depression (read her “about” page) But those histories have brought us to a better place, and now as a coach and a teacher, Julie has started an online course to help other women and caregivers. It’s called Happy Mommy, and she’s giving a discount to my readers and offering one free coaching session. But first Julie offers frazzled moms 5 quick and easy tips to simply, center and de-stress.

But wait, there’s more –>

I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone Out TODAY

ISJWTPA Cover

Guys, this is the day I’ve been waiting for my whole life. Today my writerly dreams come true. I can hardly believe it. I Still Just Want to Pee Alone is hitting bookshelves right now, as you read, and with that I’ve finally become a published author.

Ever since becoming a mother 14 years ago, I wondered what I was. I was no longer working for pay, and it was hard for me to define myself. I had never been something other than me before. It seemed like one day I’d been one person, the one I’d always been, and the next I was someone else. Or at least that’s how I was viewed. My whole personness suddenly seemed to be communicated in one word, “mom,” as if that summed up everything I was. Of course, I knew this job was an important one, the most important, but it didn’t feel that way, and I also struggled with being everything to everybody except myself.

When I started writing again, though I’d always been in the field, when I started on my own, writing for a local community blog, I didn’t know if it counted. I didn’t know if I could quite call myself a writer. I mean I could, but what did it mean? I always felt like an imposter. I still feel like one. Maybe I’ll always feel like that. Because who can’t say they’re a writer? Do you write a note or a shopping lists? Well, then you’re a writer. It’s such an easy claim to make. When is it real?

I think I got my answer today. Today it feels pretty real. I just may be semi-legitamate. And I cannot tell you how happy and grateful I am for your support on this here little corner of the web. But I don’t want to get too sappy. This is suppose to be a Par-tay. And it truly is a celebration because I just got word that the first book in the series, I Just Want to Pee Alone, hit The New York Times best-sellers list. New York Times. Those people are legit. And some of those best-selling authors like Jen Mann of People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Bethany Kriger Thies of Bad Parenting Moments, Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start by Saying, Honest Mom and Nicole Leigh Shaw of Nicole Leigh Shaw Tyop Aretist are in this one as well. You’ll also be introduced to some other funny peeps you may not be familiar with yet like Meredith Bland of Pile of Babies, Tracy DeBlois of Orange & Silver and Kris Amels of Why, Mommy? Forty of the funniest writers on the internet have contributed to this collection of hilarious and heart-warming essays. Read original stories like “Let’s Piss Off the Babies” (because haven’t they pissed us off enough?) and “I Just Want to go to the Gynecologist Alone.” I’m proud to say that one’s mine. Get the book and learn all about why you should never to take a 3-year-old to an internal exam. What I’m trying to say is the book’s a good time.

Now let’s get down to business. You can order your copy on Amazon through the Amazon link over on the upper right corner of my blog or click here, and I can make an extra 2 cents through their affiliate program. You can also get the book on KindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble. If you want a signed copy from me, because, hey, you never know if I might wind up on The New York Times best-sellers list someday, email me at info@onefunnymotha.com, and we’ll do this thing.

Remember Mother’s Day is coming up (be prepared this time). Also Easter. I just found out Easter’s next weekend. My son thought the book was hilarious although I can’t in good conscience recommend this book for children. My husband also said he plans to read it. That, my friends, is a glowing endorsement. So get your copy now.

That’s about it folks, but before I go let me leave you with this:

IMG_1818

This is my new baby, and it’s the best baby because it doesn’t give me any lip.

Tweetpeat Tuesday: Best Tweets of the Week

Or it might be from the month. Or a lifetime. I don’t know. It was whatever I could find.

 

Kid Painting

You know how kids are. There’s no talking to them. That’s why…

I also say this.

Sometimes kids have stuff to say, too. Like all the time. Like they never shut up. And they say stuff like this. 

That dad knows…

But wait, there’s more –>

Scheduling Conflicted

Scheduling Conflicted

By 7:50 A.M. we were all in the car. Ordinarily my kids walk to school, but since it was negative 2 degrees out with a wind chill of 5,000 below, I drove them. Also, it was my daughter’s birthday so as a gift to her I didn’t make her go outside and flash freeze. It’s called being a good mom. By 8:30 I was at my desk where I spent the next 2 hours catching up on social media then an hour searching for an email that didn’t exist because the information I was looking for was actually on a website not in an email, but of course I didn’t realize that until I’d searched my entire database 5 times over.

Loading the website, I submitted a piece. Then I submitted to another site and another and another. When I looked up it was 2:30. I still hadn’t eaten lunch so I hurried down the hall to the kitchen. Standing at the kitchen counter scarfing down leftover meatballs from dinner the night before, I suddenly remembered I never called the party place. Shit. It was now 2:38. If I was going to pick up balloons before school let out I had to order them STAT.

I’m not sure what possessed me to start this little tradition of surprising my kids on their birthdays with a dozen rainbow-colored balloons, but clearly I wasn’t thinking straight. It was a terrible idea. It’s not like their birthdays were always going to land on a Saturday when it might be convenient to run out for a dozen balloons. In fact, they would almost never land on a Saturday. Only once every seven years so this little routine turned out to be a real pain in the neck. But since it’s the only nice thing I do, I couldn’t quit.

But wait, there’s more –>

Sometimes One Post on Having Sex with Your Electronics is Not Enough

giraffe on iPad

Sometimes you have to do more. And, I am fully prepared to do so.

You may recall last week I wrote a post on a grand, new invention that finally, finally, allows users to do what they’ve been waiting for: “fully immerse” themselves in their beloved electronic devises. Specifically their iPads. We all know people love their electronic gadgets and now they can express that love completely. Because that’s the world we live in now.

But I didn’t feel the post got the attention it deserved. I’m trying to spread news of useless, ill-begotten inventions (and why that might be a bad idea) to the masses here, people. They need to know. Or, at least, I need them to know because I can’t be the only one who knows about this.

So I said to myself, “Motha, think. Think, think, think. Who would like a post on having sex with electronic devices?” Although the better question might be who wouldn’t like a post on sex with electronic devices?

Then I came up with the perfect answer, BluntMoms. And today BluntMoms is running the piece. So if you didn’t catch it before, now’s your chance. Don’t let this opportunity slip away.

You won’t be disappointed. You might be repulsed and traumatized, but you won’t be disappointed.

(Just ignore that the post is also below and go on over & give it a lil love, but not too much love, if you know what I mean.)

Now You, Too, Can Have Sex With Your iPad

Should You or Should You Not Have Sex

Guys, somehow I missed this story when it first broke, and for that I apologize. It won’t happen again, though, because I’ve started following the wonderful people over at The Independent, your source for bizarre and disturbing news. It’s out of the UK, which make me ask, “Why doesn’t our country have publications like this? We’re America. We should have the BEST news.” I swear The Independent has the most fascinating articles, ones that make you question the human race and renounce your membership to it.

The article I stumbled upon yesterday may be short, but it is good. I’ve really got to hand it to the reporter on this one. He is hilarious. If I could, allow me to sum it up for you. Basically, some genius somewhere had the idea of making an attachment for the iPad so that when you’re watching porn online or casually video-chatting, like you do, you can take your nifty Fleshlight Launchpad out (kudos to the company on the name, by the way), slide the flashlight-shaped, vagina-like attachment into the back of the iPad, and “fully immerse” yourself in whatever you’re watching, according to the company that makes the product.

And, I have some issues with that.

First of all, do you know how shaky and blurry the picture’s gonna be to watch? I mean, think about it. It’s never gonna work. It’s just not practical.

Secondly, and more importantly, why? Why does this product exist? Was there overwhelming demand? Who said (I mean aside from the creepy creator), “You know what I could really use right now? A way to f*ck my electronic devices.” But that begs the question, why stop there? Why not not have an attachment for your T.V.? Or your phone? We live in a mobile world now. You never know when you might have a need for a Launchpad while you’re on the run. What if you have to pick up something at the food store, and you decide to watch some porn on your iPhone in the parking lot? You’d have a need then, right? Or maybe you’re on your way to pick up the kids from school, and you arrive to the carpool line a little early. Got some free time on your hands? Pull out your Launchpad.

Thirdly, and not insignificantly, what’s wrong with your hand?

But wait, there’s more –>

Tweetpeat Tuesday: Because it’s Been Too Long

It Felt Good to Dream

 

Guys, if you’re like me you’ve missed Tweetpeat Tuesday. But all that’s about to change. I’m bringing tweets back! Because nobody should have to go without good tweets. So here in no particular order or definable theme I give you 140-character nuggets of joy:

 

 

Tell me about it.

Then from my new soul sista:

 

It’s all good, guys. I love boys in barrettes. They look so cute when they’re all dolled up. When Crazy was little (before he could fight back) we used to put clips in his hair. Now, my kids are older and have to think for themselves and all that nonsense and won’t listen to anything I say. But, to address that I’ve come up with a new, fail-proof system of dealing with them.

 

 

For reals, y’all. #HowMomsDo 

You know what else is good parenting? This:

But wait, there’s more –>