Being a Stay-At-Home Mom Isn’t for Everyone

I never should have been a stay-at-home mom. I knew that going in, but because I couldn’t see any other way, that’s what I became. Those were some of the hardest days of my life, and having a precarious mental condition didn’t help. I’ve been fearful to share some of these things because any non-glowing reflection of motherhood is typically not appreciated by the masses. But I felt it was important to come clean. Maybe it would help other struggling mothers out there, and maybe we could tear away the oppressive stigma of talking honesty about the difficulties of raising children.

My piece titled, I Hated Being a Stay-At-Home Mom, is featured on Good Housekeeping today. The funny thing is I’m still at home. I guess now I’m a work-from-home mom, but it feels remarkably similar to being a stay-at-home mom. The difference is I have an office, and it comes with a door, which I like to use frequently. With my kids chattering animatedly in the doorway, I like to swing the door shut in their faces and shout, “I’m busy!”

But that’s only because they’re older. You can’t do that to toddlers. Or if you do, toddlers don’t take the hint. They just slump against the door and wail until you come out and do a song and a dance to cheer them up because they’re jerks like that. Which brings me back to my point. It’s hard being a stay-at-home mom. And if you struggle with anxiety or any other mental illness kids do not help the situation, which is what I wrote about.

If you are a struggling mother, I want you to know it can get better. I want you to know this is just a stage. This is not forever. And I want you to know that it’s ok to want separation, to need time away. You need to take care of yourself and your own needs just as much as you need to take care of your children. It’s okay to do whatever you need to do to find balance and a little bit of peace. There’s no guilt in that.

I put this picture with the piece because it’s one of my favorite pictures from when my daughter was first born. I loved loved her with my whole heart. It just wasn’t healthy for me to be with her 24 hours a day.

baby picture

I’m not all doom and gloom. I can also be funny. For example my essay in I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series. Get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble. It will make you laugh.  

Funny Tweets on The Battle of the Sexes Round 2

Funniest Tweets

This week’s list started out kind of random, but then I notice a pattern – a vague, loose pattern but a pattern nonetheless. Hey, I don’t see you coming up with any twitter lists so pipe down. The list starts out with battle of the sexes tweets and goes into dental hygiene, which may as first glance not seem related, but listen. If you don’t have good dental hygiene, your chances of gettin any lovin are severely diminished. See? I just related it.

Ah, little love notes. I miss those days.  

What the hell? Is he an idiot?

Sounds like he needs to check the new Safety Commission guidelines. 

 

Or just go around like Bangers & Meh.

Me too, Bangers & Meh, me too. And it’s not even because I’m afraid I put food back in the fridge the wrong way. It’s just a general, abiding sense of dread that accompanies me wherever I go. But wait, there’s more –>

#BlogHer15 and What I Did

 

BlogHer15 & What I DidThe games began Thursday afternoon when I made a mad dash out of my house to catch the train into the city after already having missed the earlier one. My husband sped through the streets as I watched the clock tick ever closer to my departure time. When we swerved into the station, coated in sweat, I said, “See? We have three whole minutes to spare.”

Exactly three minutes later the train arrived, and I boarded to find a nearly empty car. I slid into an unoccupied row, leaned back into the vinyl upholstered seat and closed my eyes. I’m not gonna say taking the train into the city by myself was the absolute best part of BlogHer, but it was one of the highlights.

I relished that brief, quiet moment to myself ahead of the non-stop, live action of BlogHer15. As soon as my train pulled into the station, it was off to the races. I met my roommate Amy of A My Name is Amy who was a LTYM cast member and teamed up with the talented ladies of Science of Parenthood who are gearing up for their book tour, the ever lovely Susan of Beyond Your Blog who was an Expert Among Us, the fabulous Danielle of Martinis and Minivans who is also the host of the show, Moms Everyday, Louise of Single With who was my roommate at BlogU and the hilarious Sarah Maizes, who I think has had about 10,000 different careers. She gave us the rundown at the humor course she taught at BlogHer – television show producer, author, standup comedian, mother, freelance writer – and afterward I thought, I’ve done nothing!

But I went to BlogHer to hopefully change some of that. I wanted to use this conference to push myself out of my comfort zone. I decided I had take advantage of every opportunity even if it was scary – as most opportunities are to me. So when Danielle said she was conducting interviews for Moms Everyday, I said, “Sign me up,” even though I much prefer the quiet, comfortable, obscure area behind the scenes where there’s no pressure to pretend you’re actually a capable, intelligent person. It’s so much better there. But I knew one day I might be expected to carry on an intelligent conversation so I thought this would be good practice for me. It was a less intense, less high-stakes venture than, say, being interviewed by Oprah or going on the Today Show with Hoda and Kathie Lee. Not that either one is a real possibility, but still for some reason when you go to conferences or are just generally going about your life, you have to speak to people. And so I have to learn how to speak. Which is a real pain in the ass.

But wait, there’s more –>

Funny Parenting Tweets #592

Funny Parenting Tweets

 

It’s Tuesday so you know what that means. Well, you probably don’t since I haven’t done Tweetpeat Tuesday in forever. But I’m doing it today so quit your complaining. I can’t be expected to be on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest all at the same time, can I? I suppose I can since I’m a blogger, and bloggers are supposed to be posting on all social media all the time forever. Which is hard for me. I’m doing the best that I can, ok? I was brought back to my Twitter roots last week, though, and I rounded up yet more sage parenting advice from the world’s premiere source. So listen up.

For example: 

It’s strange how drastically your life changes after you have kids.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not get get ahead of ourselves. We need to scale back on our ambitions a bit. Let’s just hope for naps.

This may help in reaching that goal.   

Although it won’t stop this…

But wait, there’s more –>

Ladies, Never Let Your Man go to Costco Unsupervised

Costco & Your Man

I’ve been there, and take it from me, just don’t do it. I know you want to. I know you think it’ll be perfectly fine. But there are consequences to your actions – life-time, bulk-size consequences. I speak from experience, and I’m only trying to save you heartache and pantry space.

Over the weekend I enumerated all the reasons why you’ll forever regret the decision to let your man go to Costco unsupervised. Well, not all of the reasons because I’m sure there are many, many more, but I gave 10 Reasons Why You Should Never Send Your Husband to Costco Alone. Ever. It’s over on The Mid. So go check it out. Tell me I’m wrong.

If you like this, you’ll love I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. What I’m trying to say is, I’m in this book. Buy it, ok? Get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble, and I will love you forever. 

photo credit: mliu92 via photopin cc

For the Record Kid-Free Weddings Are Not Selfish

Adult-Only Weddings are NOT Selfish

Hell, if I had my way I’d make everything kid-free. I mean, seriously, do you know how much easier my life would be? A while back I made my bedroom a kid-free zone. It worked out so well I’m now considering making my whole house kid-free. So when I read this article, “I Have Kids and I Think It’s Selfish to have an Adult-Only Wedding,” that was circulating around the internets earlier this week, I knew right off the bat I was going to have a problem. But then I read the article, and was like, “Oh, no. You did not just say that. Are you just an idiot or are you actively trying to make people hate you?” And I felt a deep, powerful urge bubbling inside me to set this woman straight. So I wrote a response and sent it off to YourTango, which published the original article, and today they’re running my piece. So please go check out “I Have Kids and Let’s Get Real: Adult-Only Weddings Are NOT Selfish” to see how I really feel about this issue.

If you liked this, you’ll LOVE my book, I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. Get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever. 

Middle photo credit: forbesphotographer via photopin cc

The 4th of July, Fireworks and Fearing for My Life

The Fourth of July, Fireworks & Fearing

This is my 4th of July post from last year. And the year before. And it will be my 4th of July post forever because every 4th of July is exactly the same. Every 4th of July I fear for my life.

The holiday week kicked off nicely enough with a little father-son bonding time. My husband had decided to take Crazy on an overnight camping trip, which was a special treat. But as I stood in the driveway waving goodbye to them, I started to worry. I hoped my husband wasn’t using “camping” as a euphemism like when parents claim they’re taking your beloved pet to the “farm.”

Thankfully “camping” wasn’t code for “I’m taking him far, far away and tying him to a fencepost, and if anyone happens by who’s in the market for a young, friendly, good-natured male, they can have him.”

But wait, there’s more –>

Batman Unlimited And DC Super Friends Giveaway

Batman Unlimited&DC Super Friends

I’m happy to say I have an exciting giveaway today, and it’s just in time for the endless days of summer when your kids will repeatedly and ceaselessly, until the start of school again in September, ask you, “What are we doing now?” creating the urge to put them out on the curb with a sign reading: “Free to a good home.” With this spiffy toy gift basket giveaway and the new YouTube channels by Warner Bros and DCKids, you won’t have to do that. This little giveaway will save both your family and your sanity. Win win. I’m here, keeping families together since 2012.

To give you a little taste of the new YouTube channels (that will keep your kids occupied for hours no matter where you happen to be) I’m featuring a few of the amazing new, never-before-seen (well, actually they have since they’re on the YouTube channel, but they haven’t been seen by many) videos from Warner Bros. and DCKids. The new Youtube channel includes favorites such as Batman Unlimited, DC Super Friends and Scooby-Doo, which I’m previewing below, and it will have many more updates over the next year, so don’t forget to subscribe to the channels! Click here to subscribe to the DCKids Channel and here for WBKids Channel. And to sweeten the deal Warner Bros and DCKids are giving away 5 mystery toy gift baskets worth a minimum of $50 each. Enter to win below.

Now get your kid over here and check out Batman Unlimited.

There’s also DC Super Friends.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t include Scooby.

Now for the giveaway. Enter to win 1 of 5 toy gift baskets below, and good luck.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

 

You know what else is good for summer? My book. I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE is the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. Get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever. 

Photo credit: “Comic Art – Batman by Jim Lee (2002)” by Apparent file taken from DC Comics official website. Original file would have been placed on DC’s site for promotional purposes.. Licensed under Fair use via Wikipedia.

25 Reasons I Quit My Job (as a Parent)

25 Reasons I quit My Job

Have you ever had a job where your boss was an ego-centric, power-hungry megalomaniac? Just a cruel tyrant who had no compassion or regard for others? He would call you any hour of the day or night and expect you to jump at his every request? She pitched a fit whenever she didn’t get what she wanted? He doesn’t care if you have a life and treated you like dirt, walking all over you (literally and figuratively)? And you asked yourself, “Why am I putting up with this? I don’t have to take these deplorable conditions.” And, so you finally decide to quit?

That’s what I did. I got sick of the poor treatment, the terrible hours, the abysmal pay. I was pushed to my limit, and finally one day I shouted, “I quit!” It felt good. I was so done with that place. Unfortunately, that place is my home, and I still live there with my tormentors, but at least I don’t have to work for them anymore. Let’s see how they like me now. They’ll regret how they’ve mistreated me. They’re gonna want me back. I know it. But if they do, they are going to have to come up with a pretty nice offer. And, I want a signing bonus.

If you’ve ever felt the same way about the maniacal despots bossing you around in your own home, you might enjoy my list, 25 Reasons I Quit My Job, over on Babble today. My hope is to embolden you and give you the support and encouragement you need to tell your bosses you quit.

Maybe we can even form a union.

If you like this, you’ll love I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. What I’m trying to say is, I’m in this book. Buy it, ok? Get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble, and I will love you forever. 

Photo credit: Mindaugas Dany

Top 10 Things I Learned at BlogU15

Top 10 Things I learned at BlogU15

Guys, I’m not gonna lie. Going to a conference is hard work. But if you’re dedicated, like me, this is what you have to do. This weekend I went to the BlogU blogging conference where they run a pretty tight ship. They keep you going the whole damn time. I guess they want people to get their money’s worth or something, but I’m like, “Hold up, Ladies. I’m gonna need a nap now.” Unfortunately, this year they did not build nap time in the schedule, but all that’s gonna change next year with their new added group nap session. Nicole Leigh Shaw said so and I’m gonna hold her to it. It’s pretty much the only conference in the world that will have a nap session, which automatically makes it the best conference (even though it was already the best conference).

I know not everybody who wanted to go got to go, which is why I’ve written up the Top 10 Things I Learned at BlogU15 highlighting the key elements from the weekend. It will feel like you where there.

Top 10 Things I Learned at BlogU15

10. Talk to people while on line in the bathroom. You never know who you’ll meet, and it totally speeds up the waiting process. I’ve met some of my best friends in bathrooms. At BlogU15 that’s were I ran into The Dusty Parachute at long last. (Another good strategy is to talk to people at the bar. That’s where I found Orange and Silver, but she’s lush.)

9. Bring your A game to the Saturday Night Dance ParTAY, but know that you will always be shown up by Susan Mclean. She had on her badass, ORIGINAL, circa 1985, straight-out-of-her-parent’s-attic, teal and black (because that’s always a winning color combination) New Kids on The Block jacket. And roller skates. ROLLER SKATES. Anyone who shows up to a middle school party, or any party for that matter, in roller skates is the automatic winner. That’s just how it works. The woman simply will not be outdone.

That's me and JZ fomerly known as Jessica Ziegler from Science of Parenthood

That’s me, channeling Madonna, and JZ, formerly known as Jessica Ziegler, from Science of Parenthood. Pretty good, right?

 

But THIS is Susan

But wait, there’s more –>