I’m not talking about the big 3-oh or the big 4-oh or even the mid century mark. I talking about half birthdays. And I’m talking about it on Scary Mommy.
Basically, I’m calling bullshit on this trend to accommodate the poor, little, precious darlings with the grievous misfortune of being born on an undesirable day. And, bashing the psycho parents for whom less-than-optimum fanfare simply won’t do. Join me, won’t you?
Today I’m over on HumorOutcasts.com, your one stop shop for humor. They allowed me to join the board so now I’m an official board member of humor. That’s right. I’ll decide what’s funny or not. Just kidding. I act in no official capacity and have no actual power at all although I kinda wish it did. Because that would be fun. Anyway, I’m over there reprising my piece on storage wars, but if you didn’t read it, it’s new to you. So have at it because if you have moved, are moving, or might move at some point in your life, you’ll appreciate this.
I’m trying really hard not to eat my whole ginormous sandwich, but at this point it’s not looking good.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) September 8, 2014
Two minutes later
Re: Last message. I decided to eat the whole sandwich. — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) September 8, 2014
Two minutes later
Just finished lunch & thought, “Now what else can I eat.” — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) September 15, 2014
Two minutes later
I finished one jar of Nutella, but I’m proud to say I did not open the other. — OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) September 11, 2014
Two minutes later
I just walked by a full-length mirror and patted my belly as if to say, it’s ok, big fella, there’s always tomorrow to not be fat. — AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) September 5, 2014
Ok, so that didn’t happened to me. It just as easily could have because…
After our first bungled attempt (because Kevin), Kitty raced into our bedroom and hid under the bed. We followed suit, dragging the giant cardboard moving box with us and shutting all the doors to the bedroom (there’s two of them not counting the closet if you didn’t know). At least we had her cornered.
Before we commenced with round two, I got my thickest sweatshirt from the closet and zipped it up over my t-shirt. It was probably the only sweltering day of the summer (aside from the day we moved of course), but I had to prepare for battle. Blood was still oozing down my arm from the puncture wounds from my first tangle with Kitty. I couldn’t blame her though. She was just scared.
“You’re going to have to get her this time,” I barked at Kevin because I was under duress, overwhelmed by the inherent conflict of the mission. It had to work. But probably wouldn’t.
Given that Kevin is normally not allow near Kitty, this really wasn’t the best plan.
Kevin shimmied over to the far side of the bed while I crouched on the other, peering underneath, trying to sweet talk Kitty in my most loving and desperate voice. Kitty, though, just returned a cold, hard stare. I think I saw hatred in her eyes. Worse was she wasn’t budging. Great. I over at Kevin. “Now what?”
Today, friends, I’m switching it up. I decided to do something in honor of the final season of my idol, lord and savior and soul-mate, Stephen Colbert. Like you I am despondent over his departure from Comedy Central. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to handle the move when the time comes. Not well is my guess. If you don’t know I’ve had a long-standing crush on Stephen. He is the one person in all the world, if given a free pass by my husband, I’d have a torrid affair with. This is no secret to anyone. I have been clear about my feelings for Stephen from the beginning. Before I married Kevin, I sat him down and gave him the hard truth. Yes, I love Kevin, but I love Stephen more, and Kevin understands this kind of love cannot be controlled. Still, Kevin agreed to the marriage and does not appear to feel threatened.
Inspired by and in tribute to Stephen work and his Better Know a District segment, I’m doing a Better Know a Blogger series. If you’ve never seen it below is a little taste, the 78th installment in his 434 part series (mine won’t be quite as long). This is perhaps my favorite one in which Stephen duals a representative for the right to become a member of the black caucus. And wins.
I don’t claim to know how to fence or be nearly as clever as Stephen, but if I can bring but just a tiny fraction of the levity, insight and wisdom he brought to the world, I would be humbled. I’m kicking off the series with a bang. First up is Abby from Abby Has Issues. Oh, yeah, you thought you knew her issues, but you didn’t know jack. With my hard-hitting questions, you’ll get to see Abby exposed and Better Know a Blogger.
OFM: Why did you decide to start your blog, and did you have any idea what you were getting yourself into?
AHI: I started it about four years ago, and my first posts were absolutely horrible. While I’m a writer/editor for employment, I wanted to write for enjoyment. The focus of my blog has shifted about 856 percent since then and it’s mostly humor with the occasional deep thought post about depression, OCD or life. Basically both sides of the coin. And I had no idea what I was getting into and still don’t know how to do most of the fancy crap. Writing is only part of it—the only part of it that I’m good at—and the rest has become images and marketing and, well, kind of like work. I do enough of that in the office, or do a good job of pretending I do. My blog is a place for my hobby (although I care way too much about that hobby and wish it was my job but the Bloggess hasn’t agreed to adopt me yet.)
*If you take sexy to mean humorous. C’mon I gotta do somethin to draw in the readers, and sex sells. Basically I’m putting sex in the title of every post from now on no matter what it’s about. And, this post is about men and women, which together holds the possibility of leading to sex – at some point. So, technically, I didn’t lie, and now that you’re here, you should read it. You’ll get some tips that might help you in the sexy department at least.
Guys if you need tips on romance, contact my spouse after he’s done with his second fantasy football draft this fine Saturday night.
— hlucasanyan (@hlucasanyan) August 24, 2014
See? Learning something already. Sounds like the perfect date night. Some of us appreciate quality alone time on the couch.
I like long romantic sits on the couch. — Shock the Kitty (@einsteinsexual) August 14, 2014
Many of my fondest memories involve laying on the couch.
I’m humorous. And outcasty so HumorOutcasts & I are a perfect combo. Today I’m over there talkin bout my kitties. Specifically the time I had to pooper scoop their litter box, and, let me tell you, that is not a pleasant job. Which is why I leave it to my husband. But this one time he was going away and taking the kids so I couldn’t even make them do it. It wasn’t fair. But everything in life is a trade off, and if I wanted to be rid of the kids for the weekend I was gonna have to scoop some poop to get it.
I thought I could do it. I thought it would be no big deal, really, but what I uncovered when I lifted up the cover to the litter box just might have been the 8th wonder of the world. Go read my piece, Sh@%ty Kitties, now. You’ll be glad you did. Because who doesn’t enjoy reading about cat poop?
I got called for jury duty today which is why I’m not here typing away. It’s a bit of a pain especially since I just found out my kids have a half day, but I believe in doing my civic duty so I’m going.
I know I’ll be picked because I’m always picked (based on my one other experience on jury duty). But, seriously, I’ll be picked because I’m normal or at least I appear that way in public. I’m good at hiding my crazy. I also want to be a good little citizen, and I’m honest so when they see me coming the judge and litigators start licking their chops. I’m absolutely no good at lying. I can’t do it. I start to sweat and babble and before you know it I’m apologizing profusely while tripping my way to the door before fleeing the room in shame. I think that’s my biggest regret in life – that I can’t lie. Think about how much easier life is went you’re adept at lying. You can get out of anything. You can be a very successful salesperson or ad exec. I can’t do anything or get out of anything, and now I’ll be stuck on jury duty for the rest of my life.