I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone Out TODAY

ISJWTPA Cover

Guys, this is the day I’ve been waiting for my whole life. Today my writerly dreams come true. I can hardly believe it. I Still Just Want to Pee Alone is hitting bookshelves right now, as you read, and with that I’ve finally become a published author.

Ever since becoming a mother 14 years ago, I wondered what I was. I was no longer working for pay, and it was hard for me to define myself. I had never been something other than me before. It seemed like one day I’d been one person, the one I’d always been, and the next I was someone else. Or at least that’s how I was viewed. My whole personness suddenly seemed to be communicated in one word, “mom,” as if that summed up everything I was. Of course, I knew this job was an important one, the most important, but it didn’t feel that way, and I also struggled with being everything to everybody except myself.

When I started writing again, though I’d always been in the field, when I started on my own, writing for a local community blog, I didn’t know if it counted. I didn’t know if I could quite call myself a writer. I mean I could, but what did it mean? I always felt like an imposter. I still feel like one. Maybe I’ll always feel like that. Because who can’t say they’re a writer? Do you write a note or a shopping lists? Well, then you’re a writer. It’s such an easy claim to make. When is it real?

I think I got my answer today. Today it feels pretty real. I just may be semi-legitamate. And I cannot tell you how happy and grateful I am for your support on this here little corner of the web. But I don’t want to get too sappy. This is suppose to be a Par-tay. And it truly is a celebration because I just got word that the first book in the series, I Just Want to Pee Alone, hit The New York Times best-sellers list. New York Times. Those people are legit. And some of those best-selling authors like Jen Mann of People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Bethany Kriger Thies of Bad Parenting Moments, Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start by Saying, Honest Mom and Nicole Leigh Shaw of Nicole Leigh Shaw Tyop Aretist are in this one as well. You’ll also be introduced to some other funny peeps you may not be familiar with yet like Meredith Bland of Pile of Babies, Tracy DeBlois of Orange & Silver and Kris Amels of Why, Mommy? Forty of the funniest writers on the internet have contributed to this collection of hilarious and heart-warming essays. Read original stories like “Let’s Piss Off the Babies” (because haven’t they pissed us off enough?) and “I Just Want to go to the Gynecologist Alone.” I’m proud to say that one’s mine. Get the book and learn all about why you should never to take a 3-year-old to an internal exam. What I’m trying to say is the book’s a good time.

Now let’s get down to business. You can order your copy on Amazon through the Amazon link over on the upper right corner of my blog or click here, and I can make an extra 2 cents through their affiliate program. You can also get the book on KindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble. If you want a signed copy from me, because, hey, you never know if I might wind up on The New York Times best-sellers list someday, email me at info@onefunnymotha.com, and we’ll do this thing.

Remember Mother’s Day is coming up (be prepared this time). Also Easter. I just found out Easter’s next weekend. My son thought the book was hilarious although I can’t in good conscience recommend this book for children. My husband also said he plans to read it. That, my friends, is a glowing endorsement. So get your copy now.

That’s about it folks, but before I go let me leave you with this:

IMG_1818

This is my new baby, and it’s the best baby because it doesn’t give me any lip.

Tweetpeat Tuesday: Best Tweets of the Week

Or it might be from the month. Or a lifetime. I don’t know. It was whatever I could find.

 

Kid Painting

You know how kids are. There’s no talking to them. That’s why…

I also say this.

Sometimes kids have stuff to say, too. Like all the time. Like they never shut up. And they say stuff like this. 

That dad knows…

But wait, there’s more –>

Scheduling Conflicted

Scheduling Conflicted

By 7:50 A.M. we were all in the car. Ordinarily my kids walk to school, but since it was negative 2 degrees out with a wind chill of 5,000 below, I drove them. Also, it was my daughter’s birthday so as a gift to her I didn’t make her go outside and flash freeze. It’s called being a good mom. By 8:30 I was at my desk where I spent the next 2 hours catching up on social media then an hour searching for an email that didn’t exist because the information I was looking for was actually on a website not in an email, but of course I didn’t realize that until I’d searched my entire database 5 times over.

Loading the website, I submitted a piece. Then I submitted to another site and another and another. When I looked up it was 2:30. I still hadn’t eaten lunch so I hurried down the hall to the kitchen. Standing at the kitchen counter scarfing down leftover meatballs from dinner the night before, I suddenly remembered I never called the party place. Shit. It was now 2:38. If I was going to pick up balloons before school let out I had to order them STAT.

I’m not sure what possessed me to start this little tradition of surprising my kids on their birthdays with a dozen rainbow-colored balloons, but clearly I wasn’t thinking straight. It was a terrible idea. It’s not like their birthdays were always going to land on a Saturday when it might be convenient to run out for a dozen balloons. In fact, they would almost never land on a Saturday. Only once every seven years so this little routine turned out to be a real pain in the neck. But since it’s the only nice thing I do, I couldn’t quit.

But wait, there’s more –>

Sometimes One Post on Having Sex with Your Electronics is Not Enough

giraffe on iPad

Sometimes you have to do more. And, I am fully prepared to do so.

You may recall last week I wrote a post on a grand, new invention that finally, finally, allows users to do what they’ve been waiting for: “fully immerse” themselves in their beloved electronic devises. Specifically their iPads. We all know people love their electronic gadgets and now they can express that love completely. Because that’s the world we live in now.

But I didn’t feel the post got the attention it deserved. I’m trying to spread news of useless, ill-begotten inventions (and why that might be a bad idea) to the masses here, people. They need to know. Or, at least, I need them to know because I can’t be the only one who knows about this.

So I said to myself, “Motha, think. Think, think, think. Who would like a post on having sex with electronic devices?” Although the better question might be who wouldn’t like a post on sex with electronic devices?

Then I came up with the perfect answer, BluntMoms. And today BluntMoms is running the piece. So if you didn’t catch it before, now’s your chance. Don’t let this opportunity slip away.

You won’t be disappointed. You might be repulsed and traumatized, but you won’t be disappointed.

(Just ignore that the post is also below and go on over & give it a lil love, but not too much love, if you know what I mean.)

Now You, Too, Can Have Sex With Your iPad

Should You or Should You Not Have Sex

Guys, somehow I missed this story when it first broke, and for that I apologize. It won’t happen again, though, because I’ve started following the wonderful people over at The Independent, your source for bizarre and disturbing news. It’s out of the UK, which make me ask, “Why doesn’t our country have publications like this? We’re America. We should have the BEST news.” I swear The Independent has the most fascinating articles, ones that make you question the human race and renounce your membership to it.

The article I stumbled upon yesterday may be short, but it is good. I’ve really got to hand it to the reporter on this one. He is hilarious. If I could, allow me to sum it up for you. Basically, some genius somewhere had the idea of making an attachment for the iPad so that when you’re watching porn online or casually video-chatting, like you do, you can take your nifty Fleshlight Launchpad out (kudos to the company on the name, by the way), slide the flashlight-shaped, vagina-like attachment into the back of the iPad, and “fully immerse” yourself in whatever you’re watching, according to the company that makes the product.

And, I have some issues with that.

First of all, do you know how shaky and blurry the picture’s gonna be to watch? I mean, think about it. It’s never gonna work. It’s just not practical.

Secondly, and more importantly, why? Why does this product exist? Was there overwhelming demand? Who said (I mean aside from the creepy creator), “You know what I could really use right now? A way to f*ck my electronic devices.” But that begs the question, why stop there? Why not not have an attachment for your T.V.? Or your phone? We live in a mobile world now. You never know when you might have a need for a Launchpad while you’re on the run. What if you have to pick up something at the food store, and you decide to watch some porn on your iPhone in the parking lot? You’d have a need then, right? Or maybe you’re on your way to pick up the kids from school, and you arrive to the carpool line a little early. Got some free time on your hands? Pull out your Launchpad.

Thirdly, and not insignificantly, what’s wrong with your hand?

But wait, there’s more –>

Tweetpeat Tuesday: Because it’s Been Too Long

It Felt Good to Dream

 

Guys, if you’re like me you’ve missed Tweetpeat Tuesday. But all that’s about to change. I’m bringing tweets back! Because nobody should have to go without good tweets. So here in no particular order or definable theme I give you 140-character nuggets of joy:

 

 

Tell me about it.

Then from my new soul sista:

 

It’s all good, guys. I love boys in barrettes. They look so cute when they’re all dolled up. When Crazy was little (before he could fight back) we used to put clips in his hair. Now, my kids are older and have to think for themselves and all that nonsense and won’t listen to anything I say. But, to address that I’ve come up with a new, fail-proof system of dealing with them.

 

 

For reals, y’all. #HowMomsDo 

You know what else is good parenting? This:

But wait, there’s more –>

The Bachelor & Vanderpump Rules: Perfect Together

The Bachelor & Vanderpump Rules_ Perfect

Monday night was quite possibly the greatest night of television viewing in my entire career.

Alone in a quiet house as my husband was out driving the kids somewhere (I don’t know – I try not to to get too involved), I found myself in a rare moment of peace and solitude. With dinner over and the lights dimmed, I wandered into the darkened sunroom. I felt a little strange as this had never happened to me before. I sunk into the couch and grabbed the remote. I could have myself a real sit-down right there in front of the T.V. I could watch something I wanted to watch. Undisturbed. As there’s always Facebook to check or a kid yammering or my husband hogging the remote and forcing me to watch Backwoods Law or Alaskan Bush People or Amish Mafia or Mountain Monster Hunters or one of the other 5,000 variations on that theme, I knew I HAD to take advantage of this opportunity. It was like the 100-year storm. It might not come again. Except for in another 10 years.

My husband will deny my accusations, of course, and he does share the remote, but I don’t know. I never feel like I can really, fully relax and enjoy the shows I want to watch. Like The Bachelor for example. And, he’ll never watch them with me and mock them mercilessly because he’s selfish.

In that moment I made a decision. I would watch The Bachelor. I deserved it after all. But then I saw that Vanderpump Rules’ or VR (because I can’t write that title out every time) was on, and I was torn. So then I started flipping back and forth, and I realized something. The two shows shouldn’t be watched in isolation. In fact, the two should only be viewed in combination because, seriously, who can watch a whole, uninterrupted hour of The Bachelor? Never mind two. It’s torture. Viewing both simultaneously makes The Bachelor tolerable. Too bad I only realized that on the second to last episode of the season. Sadly, they’ll only be perfect together one more time.

How am I going to make it through the next The Bachelor?

At least, next week is VR’s season finale. I’m seriously bummed about that. The good news for you, if you’ve never watched the show, is you can tune in at any point during the season and pick it up because it’s all the same episode – just with different hair and outfits.

I’m not sure about The Bachelor. It might be over next week because he’s down to two women or “girls” as he likes to call them, but I don’t really watch the show, and they do have a way of drawing that program out to make it as painful as possible. And, then of course, there’s the post-show reunion, The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, The Bachelor: The Bachelor Tells All and maybe even some spin-offs like The Bachelor: The Wedding, The Bachelor: The Honeymoon, and The Bachelor: Marriage Counseling.

Chris Harrison, are you listening? Call me.

I know it might seem weird to review or write about a show that you don’t watch, but like I say, you see one episode of The Bachelor, you’ve seen them all. To tell the truth, I’m surprised the show’s still on. I think I watched the first season when it aired back in 1980. (Ok, just Googled it, and they’re actually on the 19th season. Which means this show has been regurgitated NINETEEN times.) The weird thing is the show was awful then, and they haven’t changed a damn thing since. Not.One.Thing. Which is really kind of astounding. It’s not like they lacked the time to improve it. Which begs the question: How is this show still on?

But wait, there’s more –>

Hideous Teen Fashion Continued

By OneFunnyMotha.com

By OneFunnyMotha.com

Hey, guys. Remember my teen fashion piece? Well, it really resonated with the people. I think because it’s a vastly under-reported topic. The people are hungry for information about it, and I bring you that information. I hit the streets, as a reporter, to get the real story – especially when my kids are home for the 500,000th day off from school and my daughter has 200 gift cards from Christmas and they hound me into taking them to the mall. But, you know what? I don’t just go to the mall. No. I’m on a mission to bring you the who, what, where, when and why (oh, yeah, I went to my journalism classes). Unfortunately, this time I only bring you the who and the what. I can’t explain the why, which only makes this story more intriguing and compelling.

The people at Mamapedia are intrigued at least. They’re running my story right now today. So if you missed it the other day, you can make it up to me now by going over and checking it out. You.Will.Be.Amazed.

It’s Coming! I Still Just Want to Pee Alone Cover Reveal

 

Coming 3-27-15

See? I didn’t lie. It’s right there in black and white. To be honest I didn’t believe it was actually happening until I saw the back cover with my name on it. I have a hard time believing good things are going to happen. I always think, What if something goes wrong? What if Jen Mann – creator, author, blogging powerhouse behind the project – says, “You know what? I reconsidered. I decided not to do the book.” Or what if something happens with the printer and the whole thing falls apart? Or, worse, what if Jen says, “Stacey, I was just being nice, but your essay really sucks, and I don’t want you in the book anymore?” What happens then, huh? You didn’t think about that, did you?

Well I do.

I keep sitting here waiting for something to go wrong, waiting for someone to say “Psych!” like back in high school when we were all wearing Cavaricci’s and Wigwams. I won’t feel I can claim authorship or that my essay is going to be published until I have that book firmly in my hands as proof. Otherwise, if I got all my hopes up and went around excitedly telling all these people and then it doesn’t happen, I look like a complete jerk and not at all like the “badass” I was pretending to be and which the book boldly proclaims I am, printed as fact right there on the jacket cover.

See how easily it is to go from badass to loser?

But wait, there’s more –>

What Not to Wear: Teen Edition

What Not to Wear- Teen Ediotion

I recently spent some time at the mall. It’s something I vigorously try to avoid, but I have a teenage daughter and that complicates my efforts. It seems teenage girls’ life-blood springs directly from the mall, or they can buy it there or something. I don’t know. I try not to get too involved. I just know teen girls must go to the mall frequently or they’ll die. And, considering we were having mid-winter break (because two weeks of winter break apparently isn’t enough), and The Kid racked up a good amount of gift cards over the Christmas season, I agreed to take her. I also had to go to the Mac store, which was the true reason for the excursion, because my laptop appears to be dying a slow, painful and rather inexplicable death, and I fear it’s going to crash and burn at any moment, leaving me with nothing but the smoking, charred remains of my cumulative life’s work at which point I’ll have to stab myself repeatedly through the heart, so we went.

After Julio told me there was basically nothing wrong with my Mac upon running his inadequate diagnostic tests because I know my computer is possessed by a demon force and is about to blow Julio was just unable – no matter how genius he is and I do believe he believes himself to be genius – to detect it, we left and headed for that hallowed retail ground of teenage youth, H&M.

I don’t know what’s happened in the fashion industry in the past decade or so, but they seem to have abandoned all basic design principles. Like the clothing should look good. In H&M among numerous other stores my daughter and her teenage comrades frequent (although H&M is the top offender. Remember when they first broke onto the scene? What happened?) I found some rather disturbing fashion trends, and they need to stop. Now.

My daughter pulled this little number off the rack and looked at me with pleading eyes. I said no. I wasn’t spending good money on something that looked like a little, old lady with very dated fashion sense playing shuffleboard on the Lido deck of a cruise ship headed to Puerto Vallarta might be wearing.

 

Floral print top

 

Plus, my Grandma had a couch in that fabric once.

Then I saw this. I think Jan from the Brady Bunch wore this outfit when they went on their Hawaiian vacation.

But wait, there’s more –>