Tweetpeat Tuesday: Funniest Tweets on Kids #596

Funny Parenting Tweets

So this happened

 

What a disappointment. I think I would have cried. Unless…

 

 

I wonder if she was in a minivan.

 

 

I took my minivan (just kidding I don’t have a minivan because they’re hideous) and dropped my kids off at their aunt’s house for an extended visit.

 

 

But wait, there’s more –>

I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone Book Giveaway

Book Giveaway (1)

Yesterday I mentioned I was doing a last last blast of summer reading book giveaway. I didn’t lie. I’m going to eek out every last remaining bit of summer I can. I won’t give up on summer. Or reading ever, and neither should you because reading can be done year-round. There’s really no limit. Plus, it’s good for the soul. And since I want to be good for your soul, in the form of my book, I’m giving away TWO copies (count em, two) of I Still Just Want to Pee Alone.

I’m proud of this little guy. It’s the first collection of essays I’m in (although hopefully not the last), and it’s a very grass roots, boots (and books) on the ground effort. It’s not easy to sell books despite how easy it looks. I imagine it’s probably not easy to sell anything. So many people are convinced they have ideas or inventions that are sure winners, which I guess is why we have infomercials and QVC and shows like Shark Tank. But it’s the getting them to market and raising awareness that’s the hard part. Like I have an idea for a kitty breath mint that no doubt would make millions, but I just don’t know how to make kitty breath mints. Or how to force kitties to eat them because kitties will do whatever they damn well please. You can try, but kitties are just such an unpredictable market. Unless… I combine the mint with a kitty tranquilizer dart gun, but then that’ll raise the price point, and setting the right price is crucial otherwise it won’t sell. It’s just so tricky. So for now I’m sticking with writing.

Yesterday I apologized to those who didn’t win the big Amazon and book giveaway from last week, but I promised you another chance to be a winner. This right here is your chance. Enter below to win a copy of the definitive book on parenting. Well, maybe not the definitive book on parenting, but the funniest book on parenting. As a little sneak peek, my chapter is titled, “I Just Want to go to the Gynecologist Alone,” and FYI my dad says I “nailed it” based on all his experience going to the Gynecologist.

But wait, there’s more –>

Best Parenting Advice Evah

Best Parenting Advice Evah

Hi, all. Just a quick note to keep you apprised of what I’ve been up to. I know you’ve been dying to know. I also wanted to inform you of the winner of the fantastic Amazon gift card and book giveaway from last week. The lucky winner is Jena-Lea Wright. Sorry to the rest of you, but we can’t all be winners. Don’t worry, though. You’ll have another crack at being a winner because I’m doing a Last Last Blast of Summer Reading. For real this is it. So check back tomorrow for some more freebies.

What I really want to talk about, though, is me. Recently, my highly sought-after parenting advice was featured on Mommy Nearest. Well, not my advice but my pediatrician’s. And it wasn’t so much highly sought after as it was posted as a general question on Facebook. But I was tagged in the post (clearly, my advice was very important). And, the question wasn’t really asking for my advice so much as advice given to me by a better, more trusted parenting source. Still, when it comes to recognizing good advice and reiterating it, Mediocre Mama, who posed the question, knew who to come to. That’s right. I’m exceptionally good at retaining good advice. So I gave it to her, and she collected it with a bunch of other really good advices (not a word except for it is now) for a post she was putting together for new or newish parents because you don’t really get your parenting groove on until your kid is about 18 or you have more kids and are too weary to give a crap anymore.

After I contributed my advice I didn’t really think any more about it, but then yesterday I got a notice that the post was up and my bit of advice was included. CLicking over to the post I was quite pleasantly surprised. It wasn’t the typical, bogus “enjoy every moment” article so often found on parenting sites or magazines. The piece gave real, astute, practical advice nervous first-time parents are most likely desperate to hear but probably don’t. With all the pressure out there for parents to be perfect, when you’re new to the game you worry constantly that you’re doing it wrong. This article, What’s the Best Parenting Advice You’ve Ever Received?, helps to allay some of those fears and lets parents know they’re doing just fine.

Then I was asked again for my wise parenting advice.

But wait, there’s more –>

The Micro Bikini: For When Bikinis Just Aren’t Small Enough

Micro Bikinis Are Happening
We need to talk about this. The other day as I was casually scrolling through the internets, I came upon pictures I did not think I’d ever be subjected to outside a porno magazine. And, my innocence was stolen. What I saw (and have since discovered is being worn by more than just one, lone, crazed individual) is something called the micro bikini.

But wait, there’s more –>

$225 Amazon Gift Card & Book Giveaway for Last Blast of Summer

 

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I’m not quite sure how it happened, but there are rumors the end of summer is upon us. I refuse to accept it, and I’m definitely not giving up on my summer reading. In fact I teamed up with a bunch of blogging buddies to come up with a last blast of summer reading list and giveaway to ward off the end of summer.

I don’t know if you know this but very month, The Mom of the Year and Normal Level of Crazy meet through a virtual book club* to allow moms to come together and chat about fabulous books while still rocking their pj pants in the cozy-comfort of their own homes because what could be better that books and pajamas? This month, they’ve blown the roof off the book club by gathering a group of 20 bloggers to create an entire list of great reads everyone needs to check out. Even better, we’re giving one of you a $225 Amazon gift card along with seven of the titles on this list! Use the gift card to snatch up your reading wish list and dig into the books sent to your door. In short, you will be in a reader’s heaven. It’s sweet deal!

Enter to score the gift card and the hard copies of the books before 8/14/15 at 5:30am ET through the Rafflecopter below. As long as you are resident of the continental U.S. and 18 yrs. or older, you are eligible to win!

But wait, there’s more –>

Being a Stay-At-Home Mom Isn’t for Everyone

I never should have been a stay-at-home mom. I knew that going in, but because I couldn’t see any other way, that’s what I became. Those were some of the hardest days of my life, and having a precarious mental condition didn’t help. I’ve been fearful to share some of these things because any non-glowing reflection of motherhood is typically not appreciated by the masses. But I felt it was important to come clean. Maybe it would help other struggling mothers out there, and maybe we could tear away the oppressive stigma of talking honesty about the difficulties of raising children.

My piece titled, I Hated Being a Stay-At-Home Mom, is featured on Good Housekeeping today. The funny thing is I’m still at home. I guess now I’m a work-from-home mom, but it feels remarkably similar to being a stay-at-home mom. The difference is I have an office, and it comes with a door, which I like to use frequently. With my kids chattering animatedly in the doorway, I like to swing the door shut in their faces and shout, “I’m busy!”

But that’s only because they’re older. You can’t do that to toddlers. Or if you do, toddlers don’t take the hint. They just slump against the door and wail until you come out and do a song and a dance to cheer them up because they’re jerks like that. Which brings me back to my point. It’s hard being a stay-at-home mom. And if you struggle with anxiety or any other mental illness kids do not help the situation, which is what I wrote about.

If you are a struggling mother, I want you to know it can get better. I want you to know this is just a stage. This is not forever. And I want you to know that it’s ok to want separation, to need time away. You need to take care of yourself and your own needs just as much as you need to take care of your children. It’s okay to do whatever you need to do to find balance and a little bit of peace. There’s no guilt in that.

I put this picture with the piece because it’s one of my favorite pictures from when my daughter was first born. I loved loved her with my whole heart. It just wasn’t healthy for me to be with her 24 hours a day.

baby picture

I’m not all doom and gloom. I can also be funny. For example my essay in I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series. Get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble. It will make you laugh.  

Funny Tweets on The Battle of the Sexes Round 2

Funniest Tweets

This week’s list started out kind of random, but then I notice a pattern – a vague, loose pattern but a pattern nonetheless. Hey, I don’t see you coming up with any twitter lists so pipe down. The list starts out with battle of the sexes tweets and goes into dental hygiene, which may as first glance not seem related, but listen. If you don’t have good dental hygiene, your chances of gettin any lovin are severely diminished. See? I just related it.

Ah, little love notes. I miss those days.  

What the hell? Is he an idiot?

Sounds like he needs to check the new Safety Commission guidelines. 

 

Or just go around like Bangers & Meh.

Me too, Bangers & Meh, me too. And it’s not even because I’m afraid I put food back in the fridge the wrong way. It’s just a general, abiding sense of dread that accompanies me wherever I go. But wait, there’s more –>

#BlogHer15 and What I Did

 

BlogHer15 & What I DidThe games began Thursday afternoon when I made a mad dash out of my house to catch the train into the city after already having missed the earlier one. My husband sped through the streets as I watched the clock tick ever closer to my departure time. When we swerved into the station, coated in sweat, I said, “See? We have three whole minutes to spare.”

Exactly three minutes later the train arrived, and I boarded to find a nearly empty car. I slid into an unoccupied row, leaned back into the vinyl upholstered seat and closed my eyes. I’m not gonna say taking the train into the city by myself was the absolute best part of BlogHer, but it was one of the highlights.

I relished that brief, quiet moment to myself ahead of the non-stop, live action of BlogHer15. As soon as my train pulled into the station, it was off to the races. I met my roommate Amy of A My Name is Amy who was a LTYM cast member and teamed up with the talented ladies of Science of Parenthood who are gearing up for their book tour, the ever lovely Susan of Beyond Your Blog who was an Expert Among Us, the fabulous Danielle of Martinis and Minivans who is also the host of the show, Moms Everyday, Louise of Single With who was my roommate at BlogU and the hilarious Sarah Maizes, who I think has had about 10,000 different careers. She gave us the rundown at the humor course she taught at BlogHer – television show producer, author, standup comedian, mother, freelance writer – and afterward I thought, I’ve done nothing!

But I went to BlogHer to hopefully change some of that. I wanted to use this conference to push myself out of my comfort zone. I decided I had take advantage of every opportunity even if it was scary – as most opportunities are to me. So when Danielle said she was conducting interviews for Moms Everyday, I said, “Sign me up,” even though I much prefer the quiet, comfortable, obscure area behind the scenes where there’s no pressure to pretend you’re actually a capable, intelligent person. It’s so much better there. But I knew one day I might be expected to carry on an intelligent conversation so I thought this would be good practice for me. It was a less intense, less high-stakes venture than, say, being interviewed by Oprah or going on the Today Show with Hoda and Kathie Lee. Not that either one is a real possibility, but still for some reason when you go to conferences or are just generally going about your life, you have to speak to people. And so I have to learn how to speak. Which is a real pain in the ass.

But wait, there’s more –>

Funny Parenting Tweets #592

Funny Parenting Tweets

 

It’s Tuesday so you know what that means. Well, you probably don’t since I haven’t done Tweetpeat Tuesday in forever. But I’m doing it today so quit your complaining. I can’t be expected to be on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest all at the same time, can I? I suppose I can since I’m a blogger, and bloggers are supposed to be posting on all social media all the time forever. Which is hard for me. I’m doing the best that I can, ok? I was brought back to my Twitter roots last week, though, and I rounded up yet more sage parenting advice from the world’s premiere source. So listen up.

For example: 

It’s strange how drastically your life changes after you have kids.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not get get ahead of ourselves. We need to scale back on our ambitions a bit. Let’s just hope for naps.

This may help in reaching that goal.   

Although it won’t stop this…

But wait, there’s more –>

Ladies, Never Let Your Man go to Costco Unsupervised

Costco & Your Man

I’ve been there, and take it from me, just don’t do it. I know you want to. I know you think it’ll be perfectly fine. But there are consequences to your actions – life-time, bulk-size consequences. I speak from experience, and I’m only trying to save you heartache and pantry space.

Over the weekend I enumerated all the reasons why you’ll forever regret the decision to let your man go to Costco unsupervised. Well, not all of the reasons because I’m sure there are many, many more, but I gave 10 Reasons Why You Should Never Send Your Husband to Costco Alone. Ever. It’s over on The Mid. So go check it out. Tell me I’m wrong.

If you like this, you’ll love I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. What I’m trying to say is, I’m in this book. Buy it, ok? Get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble, and I will love you forever. 

photo credit: mliu92 via photopin cc