How Does Turtle Man Do It? Operation Kitty Capture Part 2

Kitty Capture Part 2

Four hours in with us no closer to victory, that was the thought running through my head. How does Turtle Man* do it? I couldn’t even do it, and I was trying to capture a domesticated house cat.

(*Side note for those clearly not watching enough TV: Turtle Man is featured on the reality show “Call of the Wild Man” for his singular ability to rescue any wild animal with his bare hands.)

Another side note: I know I promised you this sequel like 3 months ago – maybe if the kitties would start writing some blog posts around here I would’ve gotten to it a lot sooner – and I get that you’re not waiting around to find out what happened to my kitty (like caring people), but I didn’t want to leave you hanging in case some of you have hearts and can’t sleep at night wondering about my kitties.

As I said before Kitty 2 is my kitty not because I declared it so but because Kitty did. She chose me (and despises* all other members of my family). *Not really but she’s not fond of them. So when it came time to move I knew the responsibility for capturing her rested squarely on my shoulders. No one other than me (and Turtle Man) could do it, and given only one of us was present, I was under a lot of pressure. This was only compounded by the fact that Kitty, as you may recall from The Day We Had to Capture Kitty: Part 1, is a very shy and fretful kitty. She is the very definition of a scaredy cat. And I really, really, really did not want to have to be the one to grab her and stuff her into a box. Especially since she’s never allowed anyone to pick her up. Ever.

But I knew it had to be done. So it was with dread in my heart that Kevin and I devised a plan to capture Kitty.

But wait, there’s more –>

Talkin Crack, Mom Jeans & Huffington Post

Nobody wants to see that.

Because nobody wants to see that.

Today I’m proud to announce my piece, “Crack is Whack,” is featured on The Huffington Post. It’s an ode to fitting jeans which, apparently, no longer exists. You may have seen my post here a few weeks ago, but if not please check it out over there because it’s an important piece in the ongoing battle for women’s rights. Like the right to carry but not bear crack, and the right to be free from forced, unwanted crack sightings from others. We must rise to the occasion unlike our jeans because together we can overcome this struggle. Together we can demand action because while today’s jeans may have many rises, they have not risen far enough.

Join me in this fight, won’t you?

 

Funny Tweets on Kids #549

Kids don't come back
The other week on the first day of school after I dropped my kids off, I rushed back home to my beloved computer to tweet all about it. I said I was doing a Jig of Joy at having gotten rid of my kids and that “Jig of Joy” was gonna be trending – just watch. I even turned it into a hashtag. #JigofJoy.

But it didn’t trend. And that makes me sad. What the hell, people? That’s a great hashtag. People the world over could use it to share their tales of euphoria at finally sending their kids packing or anything else that would be cause for a #JigofJoy. Like this.

If you found one you’d do a #JigofJoy, right?

 

And this:

If his kid would just shut the hell up, the parents would be doing a #JigofJoy.

And this…

But wait, there’s more –>

Meet Me In The Powder Room

Today, guys, I’m happy to announce I’ll be In The Powder Room all day. I don’t have the flu or anything. I’ll just be in there crying about the end of summer. I know I’ve been rejoicing that my kids are back in school, and the back-to-school part is definitely worthy of celebration. It’s just the before-the-school part that’s gotten me down. As in getting them to the actual school part. Back-to-school means every day of my life for the next 9 months I’ll have to make sure my kids’ teeth are brushed, their clothes match and their hair is not a tangled rat’s nest. And that’s a real pain. Why does motherhood have to be so hard?

I’d much rather let my kids tumble out of bed and shuffle them off to camp where they can look homeless, and nobody bats and eye.

Wedding photo

Those days are over.

So stop by the Powder Room, and we’ll have a nice chat. I’ll be in the third stall to your right. Just knock.

When I’m not takin care of bidness in the powder room you can always find me on the Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter. Join me for even more fun. And, don’t miss a laugh (or cry) by entering your email address right over there –> to the right because I don’t know how to enter it here (I’m a writer not a coder!).

Me & Tom (Petty)

Me & Tom (Petty)

“Breakdown go ahead give it to me. Breakdown, honey, take me through the night. Breakdoooown, I’m standing here, can’t you see? Breakdown it’s alright. It’s alright.”

That’s my little tribute to Tom Petty, whom I love, and whom I will be seeing tonight live and in person!

I don’t have a bucket list, but if I did seeing Tom Petty in concert would be on it. And tonight, I can die a happy woman. Well, almost. I also have The Stones on the list that doesn’t exist. Still working on that one. And, Steely Dan.

But, Tom. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, he’s a classic. And I know virtually every one of his lyrics. Which is something I can’t say for any other artists. Remember that movie, Jumping Jack Flash, with Whoopi Goldgerg back in the 80’s? The part where she was sitting in her cube at work surrounded by Gumby and Garfield and a bunch of fuzzy trolls who were all lined up on her big, boxy, cream-colored computer monitor listening to the title song by the Rolling Stones? She played the song repeatedly, trying to figure out what the hell Mick was saying? “C’mon Mick,” she pleaded. “Help me out.”

But wait, there’s more –>

Twitter. For All the Things You Can’t Say to Your Kids

 

Well, I say them because kids gotta learn.

Listen I try to be kind. I really do, but the kids put my patience to the test. And sometimes I can’t hold my tongue any longer. The first day of school was one of those times. It’s exactly like this:

Sarcasm

I’m in physical pain, people. And I have to let it out.

Another time I was in too much pain to physically endure it in any longer? This.

The other day on the last week before school started, as we were driving home from the store, I was doing my best to engage The Kid in some lively, Kid-centric, light-hearted conversation, and she was being a total pain in the… I’ll leave the word out but it only has 3 letters.

But wait, there’s more –>

Funny Tweets on Husbands

Funny Tweets on Husbands

First, I want you to know

On the rare occasions I do remember I like to share it all with my husband. In one long burst of non-stop ranting. Unfortunately, he can only tolerate five-minute installments of me talking. 

It saves us both a lot of trouble.

But wait, there’s more –>

What Kind of Monster Forgets to Take 1st Day of School Photos?

*Stares at ground*

I, for one, would never forget such a thing.

Anymore.

On this holiest of holidays, Labor Day, which ushers in the most anticipated day of the year, back to school, I have a post up on Scary Mommy about the high holy day and how I may or may not have forgotten to take 1st day of school photos. Find out for yourselves.

(And, don’t make me look bad. I can’t be the only one. Right?)

I remembered once. Shouldn't that be enough?

I remembered once. Shouldn’t that be enough?

 

I Think Erma Would Agree

Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop

Guys, I’m excited to report I’m featured on the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop today with a piece I wrote a long time ago for BaristaKids and reworked to submit to Erma. It’s about summer camp. Specifically, how we are sending the wrong people. Kids. It’s bullshit. When I read it again this summer, I said, “I think Erma would agree.” So I sent it off, and actually it posted yesterday afternoon a little too late for me to post about it then. So I’m getting the word out now.

If you, like me (and Erma), believe we’ve gotten the summer camp situation all wrong and you want to take a stand against this injustice, go over and read my new and improved piece, The Way Summer Camp Should Be. Because if we don’t band together we’ll never get to be sent off to summer camp for 3 months of summer fun while the kids toil at work, pay the mortgage and clean the bathrooms.

Do you think I'm gonna spend good money to send my kids to do this when I'm the one who should be doing it?

Do you think I’m gonna spend good money to send my kids to a beautiful, bucolic setting to do this when I’m the one who should be doing it? Photo credit: DioceseFDL via photopin cc

For even more fun follow me on Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter. And, never miss a thing by entering your email address right over there –> to the right because I don’t know how to enter it here (I’m a writer not a coder!).

Funny Tweets on Kids #563

Funny Tweets & Tips on Kids

I’m doing Tweetpeat Tuesday on Wednesday. Because I can. First rule of Blog Club is there are no rules in Blog Club. Ok? You can do whatever the hell you want. Which is kind of why I like the internets. Who wants to be hemmed in by rules?

But we have a lot of ground to cover so let’s get right to it, shall we, with a little tip from me to you.

Remember that. It’ll come in handy someday. If you’re ever visiting a zoo and have the urge to crawl into a cage with a wild animal. Did you hear that story last week about the woman who squeezed her way into a giraffe’s cage? I have to say anytime I hear about something like that I think, Well, they got what they deserved. I mean if you are stupid enough to climb into a tiger cage or a polar bear exhibit or the home of a well-meaning giraffe, you deserve to be mauled or kicked in the face or eaten alive. The bars are there for a reason, people. Did the fact that the animals are in a cage not raise any flags?

Funny Tips &Tweets on Kids

*Note the teeth. Photo credit: Karen Roe via photopin cc

As if I haven’t been helpful enough already, I have another useful tip I’ll with share with you.

Well, a hard chair and kids. Kids are a real pain in the butt, too.

It’s worth a shot, right? I’d let the cat take a stab at it if it would get me out of it.

But wait, there’s more –>