A One Man Tweeting Machine

One Man Tweeting Machine

photo credit: merfam via photopin cc

Today, on this very special Tweetpeat Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I want to give thanks to someone near and dear to my heart (and Twitter feed), Simon Holland. Through his insightful observations in the form of 140-character missives, he has brought joy and levity to the world. And, that’s what the world needs now more than ever. So I’m doing something I don’t ordinarily do. I’m dedicating an entire post to one twit, Simon Holland. He’s a one man tweeting machine and one of the best tweeple I know.

*Shivers ripple through the conference room.*

That’s what happens if you eat one of those. Whenever I see those commercials, which start around now, I always wonder how Werther’s is still in business. Seriously, have you ever once seen anyone buy or eat those things? Exactly. And, I have to ask, at some point wouldn’t their whole customer base die out?

Speaking of a dying breed…

But wait, there’s more –>

Prepare to be Dazzled by Zazzle(d)

Prepare to be Dazzled by Zazzle(d)

Guys, I’ve got exciting news. I’ve opened up shop.

That’s right. You, too, can now own One Funny Motha trinkets, oddities and quality, top-of-the-line t-shirts! I know it’s what the world’s been waiting for… or at least what I’ve been waiting for.

I was inspired by Abby who has issues. She recently opened her Zazzle shop after encouragement by her loyal and adoring fans. I’d been thinking about doing something like that – not that anyone encouraged me or anything. But because I’d like to wear some of the things I say. Also, I saw a really cool flask. I’ve always wanted one of those. You know, for the times you’re at family gatherings and light alcohol just isn’t enough.

After Abby opened hers, I was like, “I want one.” And, since lack of enthusiasm’s never stopped me, now there’s OneFunnyMothaisms for all! Wear them proudly on your person or gaze at them lovingly over breakfast with your family. You can even tuck them discreetly into the inside, hidden zip pocket of your coat so you always have OFM with you, near to your heart.

Perhaps opening a Zazzle shop just so I can buy my own products defeats the whole purpose, but I figured if I wanted them maybe someone else might want them, too. So now it’s One Funny Motha for all and all for One Funny Motha or something like that.

Now you may be the proud owner of these…


Yes, as the product name indicates, this shirt is the best t-shirt in the world. But after I created that one I thought, Why should childless people be penalized?

So I created this.


Annoying People T-Shirt
Annoying People T-Shirt by OneFunnyMotha
Find more Funny T-Shirts at Zazzle

Who couldn’t use this shirt? This one has best-seller written all over it.

And, for all those special occasions, I have this delightful beauty that’s bound to make all your holidays bright.

Drinking Companion Flask
Drinking Companion Flask by OneFunnyMotha
Look at more Humor Premium Flask at zazzle


Product Description: The best purchase you will ever make (and best friend you’ll ever have). For all those times you’re stuck at pointless PTA meetings, volunteering at the school’s annual fund-raising carnival or celebrating the holidays with the in-laws, this slim, tasteful and streamlined go-anywhere companion will liven things right up and make these tasks bearable. (You see where I get my mad copywriting skills now, don’t you?)

And for the everyday occasion I offer this modern, minimalist mug in elegant black type on white ground with a whimsical splash of red.


Mug statement: “Morning isn’t good time for me. Neither is the afternoon.” Product description: Without ever uttering a word but by simply hoisting a mug, you can let the whole world know how you feel. This mug clearly expresses when would be a good time for you. In this case, never. Never would be a good time. Perfect for home or office.

Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t express my mission statement on a study, practical houseware item, handy for daily affirmation.

Don't Care Mug
Don’t Care Mug by OneFunnyMotha
Look at Humorous Mugs online at Zazzle.com


So that’s my shop so far, but there’s many, many more items to come (as soon as I think of them). I’m sure I don’t need to remind you, but Christmas is right around the corner. These t-shirts, mugs and flasks make the perfect holiday gifts for everyone on your list! Except babies… and toddlers… and kids under 21. But screw em. They’ve already taken everything from us.

Better Know A Blogger: Middletini


The first thing you need to know about Middletini is that she starts every post with a cocktail. That, right there, is the way to start a blog post. In fact, she welcomes readers to her page with, “While I pour you a drink, let me explain my little corner of the internet. Think of it as a swank, fun cocktail bar in the very nicest section of hell.” But it’s just across the border from heaven.

The other thing you need to know is, “It’s all about balance.” That’s her tag line. And it’s true. Everything in this life is all about balance – as simple and difficult as that may be. Kathleen is trying to find hers and being brutally honest about the process so that others may be able to do the same.

1. Why did you decide to start your blog, and did you have any idea what you were getting yourself into?

I started reading another blog – Rants From Mommyland – on recommendation from a friend. Not only was it extremely funny, it opened my eyes to the fact that there are tons of people out there who have given up on trying to maintain this facade of perfection. You can have a good life and still go through some pretty crappy times, and there are a lot of people who are close to falling apart on the inside and you would never know it. I used to be one of them – I about lost my damn mind when I was staying home with two small children, slogging through a pit of anxiety and depression, and not getting the support I needed from my then-husband (in part because I did not ask for it). Only when I stopped holding myself to this impossible standard was I able to step back and start making positive changes in my life. Also, once I let go of the suburban mom rat race, I realized how hilarious it was to set up these grandiose plans for the perfect home/party/marriage/menu/life, only to have your toddler walk in, grubby and pantsless, and start writing on your wall with a Sharpie while simultaneously peeing on your spotless floor when you have your back turned. I wanted to add my voice to this community of writers and help reach out to people who are struggling with the disconnect between their expectations and their reality.

OFM: Sing it sister.

2. How long have you been at this racket?

About 2.5 years. Only within the past 6 months have I started getting read by people who don’t personally know me, though. I saw yesterday that one of my blog posts was shared by someone in Saskatoon, so apparently I’m big in Saskatchewan.

OFM: Woo hoo! I’m huge in Azerbaijan.

But wait, there’s more –>

Tweets for Life

I'm trying hard not to care (1)

It seems no matter how hard I try, I can’t not care. I don’t want to care. I say I’m not gonna care. Then I find myself caring, and that’s no way to live. Do you know how much easier life would be if I didn’t care? It would be fantastic. So I’m working on it. Although not caring isn’t as easy as it looks. To help I’ve started taking notes, and Nobody You Know is definitely onto something.

I wish I could be that carefree because… 

Especially if, like everyone else across the internets, you’re contemplating Kim K’s ginormous, greasy badonkadonk. And how could you not? Where ever you turn, BAM there it is. In your face. Literally. Popping up before your eyes, and you can’t get away. It’s like her butt is chasing me.

But wait, there’s more –>

Moms Gone Wild

Mom Attacks Nordstrom Shopper

photo credit: Feans via photopin cc

Ok, this is going to be short and sweet because I already had plenty to say over on Huffington Post about the mother who attacked the fellow shopper outside of Nordstrom for asking the mom to “quiet” her trantruming child. You may not agree with the woman, but punching someone in the face can’t be justified. There, I said it.

I know there are many things to consider, but I just can’t wrap my head around being attacked for making a comment (however out of line you may think it is). And people cheering it on. I also wonder what type of example this behavior sets for the kid. If you’re not already sick of this story you can see how I really feel over on The Huffington Post. And may you all make it through this day without being punched in the face.

FYI: The piece was also picked up by BlogHer (although they changed the title) so you can read it over there, too.

Better Know A Blogger: Becoming SuperMommy

Better Know A Blogger:Lea Becoming SuperMommy

Lea’s a regular kid whisperer. I met Lea Grover of Becoming SuperMommy at BlogU14, and I’m so glad I did. Not only is she a fantastic writer, but also she is an incredibly interesting person. Just take a look at her answers. She had me mesmerized – like the bit about the 15 different majors in college and singing Opera and coming from a whole line of magicians. I’m hoping she’s gonna perform an operatic magic show at BlogU15.

1. Why did you decide to start your blog, and did you have any idea what you were getting yourself into?

I decided to start my blog because I figured, with six months old twins, I was obviously becoming some kind of parenting expert. My plan was to offer common sense advice, like, “See how crazy my house is? See how sane I am? You can do this!” About three weeks later, I realized I had no idea what I was doing, I was a terrible parent, I was completely insane, and I COULD NOT do this. So instead I wrote about that. Which is to say, no, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Oh, with the blog, either.

2. How long have you been at this racket?

I’ve been blogging since 2003, yes, that’s eleven years, and for a while I blogged back in the ’90s- you know, with a big HTML sourcebook by my side, and a chart of RGB values for my fluorescent backgrounds… but we didn’t call it blogging then. We called it being an enormous dork. That blog was all about my friends in middle school. Since then, I’ve kept a poetry blog, a super secret personal blog, a food blog, and now a 21st century feminist mommy blog. I’ve been writing at Becoming SuperMommy since the twins were half a year old, which is four and a half years now.

OFM: Holy cow. You have done it ALL. I’m super impressed.

3. Do you have a blogging schedule? If so, what is it? Does it help? Does it change? Do you want to stomp on it, and tell people to go away – you have enough to do?

No. I used to sort of have a schedule. Every week I linked up with Twisted Mixtape Tuesday, which was a lot of fun, and I used to write a Sunday Blogaround. But the Mixtape is sadly closed, and after baby #3 came around I lost the time and energy to read as many other blogs as I used to, which meant the death of the Blogaround, too. I try to post at least twice a week, but it really depends on how much chaos occurred that week at home, and how much of it would be good material. On a REALLY chaotic week, I might post every day. Or, not at all. Depends if it’s “Flee! The house is on fire!” chaos, or “I’m getting day drunk and writing because the kids covered their baby sister in nail polish” chaos. I’m a SAHM, so it’s always guaranteed it will be one or the other. Plus, if I tell my kids to go away and let me write, they just ignore me.

OFM: Damn kids.

But wait, there’s more –>

Setting Goals and Taking Names

I Hope This is Shared:IndieChicks

I know you’re all expecting funny tweets for today, but suck it up. Tweetpeat Tuesday has been temporarily suspended to bring you this important announcement.

Today I here to tell you and all the world that I’m setting a goal for myself. That’s right. It’s the new me. I’m setting goals and taking names. Primarily on Facebook.

For a while now, I’ve been trying to grow my Facebook page, and I’ve seen some moderate success. But 900 followers just isn’t enough. I need more. Much, much more! And I won’t stop until I get them. All. Yes, my personal goal is to get everyone on Facebook to like me. Because I like to set realistic goals. Plus, I need them to have a decent platform for the book I’m working on.

Ok, fine, not everyone has to like me, but how about most people? Some people? Anyone?

I’ll admit Facebook and I got off to a rocky start. When I first started my blog I didn’t even have a page for it, and I didn’t get one for a few months, which was stupid. But give a blogger a break. I was just starting out, and I didn’t fully believe in all this modern technology business. I didn’t think social media had staying power. I mean, seriously, who thought Facebook was gonna last?

To be honest I never really understood Facebook, and despite being a blogger I’m a pretty private person. I know, weird, right? I didn’t even sign up for a personal page on Facebook until a few years before I started my blog, and even then I was never really sure how I felt about it. I’m from the X generation where technology is suspicious and untrustworthy. Remember, we started out with DOS and floppy disks. It wasn’t always this easy.

When I went off to college my parents gave me the choice of getting a computer, which was a modern invention at the time, or a word processor. Guess which one I chose. In my senor year of college I remember spending 8 hours in the computer lab trying to format a stupid resume, redoing it over and over again because I didn’t know how to get the stupid margins adjusted. Computers have a mind of their own, and there’s no talking to them. If you lost something, there was no way to find it or possibly get it back. It was forever lost to the big cyberspace in the sky. The refrain of the day was, “Back up your work! Make sure you’re backing up.” But no one ever told you how to back up or what the hell that meant.

One time I was working on a story for the school paper. I had a staff position there, and I was in the newsroom working on my ground-breaking story on a new Super Man comic book when the power went out. I’d been working on that stupid, back-page story for nearly 6 hours and was almost done when the office went dark. I had to hold back the hot tears burning my eyes when the power came back on, and my story was gone. As I sat there staring at the blank screen in disbelief someone said, “Well, did you back it up?”

It was all I could do to keep from running out of the room screaming, “No. No, I didn’t back it up because no one ever told me what the hell that means!

Because you know what? You don’t have to back up paper. Ink never just magically disappears from your page. Paper is not trying to lure you into its web of trickery and deceit.

I had to start my story all over from scratch. That is a pain you never forget. So when I finally did come to Facebook rather late in life, it was with a certain hesitance. Could I really trust Facebook?

In my defense I’ll like to mention one other thing. My blog was born in secrecy. I didn’t tell family or friends so that made it a little difficult to promote. I feared even if I created a Facebook page with all of Facebook’s complicated rules and procedures I’d invariably confuse my personal account with my blog account and wind up posting the wrong thing on the wrong page as the wrong person because I’m not very good at being a CIA operative. And, then my whole carefully orchestrated plan would’ve blown up in my face.

But I’m here to tell you, I’ve changed my ways. I’m slowly coming out of the closet as a blogger, and I’ve taken a shine to Facebook. Primarily because of its cat videos. I’ve even renamed or retitled or re-subtitled my Facebook page so my “about” description reads: Home of incisive cultural commentary also known as common sense. And cat videos.

All of this is just a long-winded way of saying I have goals. I just don’t like to clearly articulate them. They’re floating around in my head somewhere. I know they’re there, and I’ll get to them eventually. I just don’t like to put them all down in black and white where I can be held accountable and clearly see yet another thing at which I’ve failed.

But all that’s about to change. Because The IndieChicks are making me. They’re launching their new and improved site soon, and for the launch they’re choosing 5 lucky bloggers (pick me! pick me!) to take part in their new Discover Feed service, which will display a bunch of blog with a link back to their site for FREE y’all.

For that I can come up with some goals. Actually, I already had some. I’m just putting them down now with an actual plan of action, which has mostly grown out of my need to build my platform for my book. So to accomplish my goal to gain more Facebook followers, specifically I wanted to get to a 1,000, and I’m not that far off the mark (but of course once I hit 1,000 I’ll want to get it to 2,000 and so on and so forth, but let’s just stick with 1,000 for now) I plan to A) actively network within the Facebook groups I belong to, joining up on every Facebook share thread I see and “like” my fellow bloggers; B) I’m announcing on Facebook that once I hit 1,000 I’m throwing a party – a virtual party – but a party nonetheless with prizes (woo hoo!); and C) I am submitting to more and varied publications so I can cast a broader net and hopefully extend my reach.

How does that sound? Oh, yeah, and I’m writing this blog post so, you know, if you haven’t “liked” me yet, you can take care of that right here: OFM on Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter. And get regularly scheduled fun by entering your email address right over there –> on the upper right (because I don’t know how to do it here). I already told you, computers scare me.

Good Men, Scary Moms & Meth Dolls: An Update

Good Men (1)

Guys, I know I don’t ordinarily post on Fridays, but I have good news. I’m super excited to say that not only am I a Black Voice, but also I’m also a Good Man. I’m a black white good man woman. How many people can say that? I’m thrilled about it because I’ve always wanted to be a man (that would make my life so much easier) and because after weeks of toil and exasperation I finally placed my piece on the Sayreville football team’s sexual assaults.

In a fit of passion after the news broke I wrote the piece and sent it off to about a bazillion places – I was working the internet like you wouldn’t believe – but, sadly, my little piece went unloved. Did I let that stop me? Oh, hell, no. I said, “I will not let this die a sad and lonely death.” I may have been dying a sad and lonely death with the worst head cold I’ve had in about a decade, but I dragged my runny nose self to the computer every day (well, except for that one day I thought I actually was dying) and though coughing fits typed my little fingers to the bone. And it finally worked! The Good Men Project is running my piece. Not sure when yet but some time soon. Don’t worry I’ll be sure to tell you repeatedly. I’m really thrilled about this because the piece was important to me. It’s a discussion our society needs to have regarding how we view and treat sexual assaults in this country. Actually, the way rape is treated is mind-boggling to me, which is why I wrote the piece. I believe the reaction to the Sayreville scandal bears that out.

I know, typically, I write humor, but I am capable of a well thought-out, meaningful piece every once in a while. I’ll keep you posted on that.

But back to humor. I’ll also be on Scary Mommy tomorrow talking about aging. Because I’m old. That’s right. I’m calling it. I give up. I’m officially old. You know you’re old when you just don’t give a damn about being old anymore. I originally did a top 10 list, but the post on Scary Mommy is a new and improved list with many, many more signs that you’re old. So if you’re on the fence about this come on over tomorrow, and I’ll help you sort that all out. In the meantime you can read my latest post over on there, Celebrating Half Birthdays is Stupid, if you got nothin else goin on or a little piece about letting my kids walk to school, you know, if you want.

Also, this week? Last week? Who can remember? My piece on Breaking Bad action figures was picked up by Mamapedia so you might wanna check that out. I mean who can resist a piece on drug-dealing dolls sold at that toy store we all know and hate, Toys R Us? Just in time for the holidays, too!

So expect to be pestered all weekend long and probably well into next week, too. Sorry, but a blogger’s gotta do what a blogger’s gotta do. And have a good weekend!

Better Know A Blogger: Orange & Silver

Better Know Blogger-Orange&Silver

Today I have a very special guest for you, Tracy from Orange and Silver because, as she says, life almost never rhymes. Which is true although when I first “met” Tracy over the internets, I told her blog’s name should be Orange is the New Silver because that’s how I am. Obnoxious. And good at naming things. She maintains she started her blog way before Orange is the New Black ever saw the light of day. Still, I can’t help but always think of her blog as Orange is the New Silver.

But her blog makes a good point. Life hardly ever rhymes, and orange and silver are the only words in the English language that don’t rhyme (or something like that). Although rapper Eminem says you can rhyme with orange. Then he makes up a rap in which he attempts to rhyme something with orange. I saw it on “60 Minutes” once. I really don’t know why “60 Minutes” had Eminem on, but when finished his rap, I said, “But that didn’t rhyme.” So despite what Eminem thinks, nothing rhymes with orange.

Tracy’s right. As she is with most of the questions below. But before we get to that let me tell you a little bit more about Tracy. She has four children, a husband, a full time job, a dog, and, apparently, a death wish. She blogs in an attempt to maintain a tenuous grip on what is left of her precious sanity. Her days are spent alternately reminding her children to throw their cheese stick wrappers in the trash, and enduring the searing injustice that the UK has seen all of Downton Abbey Season 5 months before it will air in the US. In her free time, Tracy does nothing, because she has no free time. Someday she will launch a campaign to rid the world of glitter.

Why did you decide to start your blog, and did you have any idea what you were getting yourself into?

I was a food blogger for a few years before I became what I would now think of as a humor blogger (which, for lack of a better definition, is how I think of myself). Food blogging is a hard racket because you can’t just think, “Hey, I’ll post about fudge today!” You have to have a recipe, and you have to have tested that recipe, ideally more than once. So the lead time is long to get a post up, and while it’s true that means you get to eat a lot of fudge, sooner or later CPS comes to visit you because your children have brought fudge, and nothing but fudge, in their lunchboxes for three weeks in a row. Also, you have to keep buying ingredients to make fudge, so that’s expensive. At least with humor blogging, my subject matter is free—my own life, my own shortcomings, the shortcomings of others, including my children, anything that annoys me (which is a lot). And while I may still get a visit from CPS, it’s not because of fudge. Or not exclusively because of fudge.

How long have you been at this racket?

If you count the food blog, since about 2006, give or take. Orange & Silver is considerably younger, only about two years (I think—I’m too lazy to go see when I actually created it).

OFM: No worries. I feel you.

But wait, there’s more –>

Tweetpeat Tuesday: Funny Tweets on Life #578


Here are some more wise words brought to you by Twitter.

Whoa. Slow down there, Rob. Don’t get crazy. Also,

And if the Brita Pitcher would just shut up.

And if people weren’t so sensitive.

And if this this didn’t happen

And if people weren’t all pretending.

Because seriously.

But wait, there’s more –>