Meet Me In The Powder Room

Today, guys, I’m happy to announce I’ll be In The Powder Room all day. I don’t have the flu or anything. I’ll just be in there crying about the end of summer. I know I’ve been rejoicing that my kids are back in school, and the back-to-school part is definitely worthy of celebration. It’s just the before-the-school part that’s gotten me down. As in getting them to the actual school part. Back-to-school means every day of my life for the next 9 months I’ll have to make sure my kids’ teeth are brushed, their clothes match and their hair is not a tangled rat’s nest. And that’s a real pain. Why does motherhood have to be so hard?

I’d much rather let my kids tumble out of bed and shuffle them off to camp where they can look homeless, and nobody bats and eye.

Wedding photo

Those days are over.

So stop by the Powder Room, and we’ll have a nice chat. I’ll be in the third stall to your right. Just knock.

When I’m not takin care of bidness in the powder room you can always find me on the Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter. Join me for even more fun. And, don’t miss a laugh (or cry) by entering your email address right over there –> to the right because I don’t know how to enter it here (I’m a writer not a coder!).

Me & Tom (Petty)

Me & Tom (Petty)

“Breakdown go ahead give it to me. Breakdown, honey, take me through the night. Breakdoooown, I’m standing here, can’t you see? Breakdown it’s alright. It’s alright.”

That’s my little tribute to Tom Petty, whom I love, and whom I will be seeing tonight live and in person!

I don’t have a bucket list, but if I did seeing Tom Petty in concert would be on it. And tonight, I can die a happy woman. Well, almost. I also have The Stones on the list that doesn’t exist. Still working on that one. And, Steely Dan.

But, Tom. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, he’s a classic. And I know virtually every one of his lyrics. Which is something I can’t say for any other artists. Remember that movie, Jumping Jack Flash, with Whoopi Goldgerg back in the 80’s? The part where she was sitting in her cube at work surrounded by Gumby and Garfield and a bunch of fuzzy trolls who were all lined up on her big, boxy, cream-colored computer monitor listening to the title song by the Rolling Stones? She played the song repeatedly, trying to figure out what the hell Mick was saying? “C’mon Mick,” she pleaded. “Help me out.”

But wait, there’s more –>

Twitter. For All the Things You Can’t Say to Your Kids

 

Well, I say them because kids gotta learn.

Listen I try to be kind. I really do, but the kids put my patience to the test. And sometimes I can’t hold my tongue any longer. The first day of school was one of those times. It’s exactly like this:

Sarcasm

I’m in physical pain, people. And I have to let it out.

Another time I was in too much pain to physically endure it in any longer? This.

The other day on the last week before school started, as we were driving home from the store, I was doing my best to engage The Kid in some lively, Kid-centric, light-hearted conversation, and she was being a total pain in the… I’ll leave the word out but it only has 3 letters.

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Funny Tweets on Husbands

Funny Tweets on Husbands

First, I want you to know

On the rare occasions I do remember I like to share it all with my husband. In one long burst of non-stop ranting. Unfortunately, he can only tolerate five-minute installments of me talking. 

It saves us both a lot of trouble.

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What Kind of Monster Forgets to Take 1st Day of School Photos?

*Stares at ground*

I, for one, would never forget such a thing.

Anymore.

On this holiest of holidays, Labor Day, which ushers in the most anticipated day of the year, back to school, I have a post up on Scary Mommy about the high holy day and how I may or may not have forgotten to take 1st day of school photos. Find out for yourselves.

(And, don’t make me look bad. I can’t be the only one. Right?)

I remembered once. Shouldn't that be enough?

I remembered once. Shouldn’t that be enough?

 

I Think Erma Would Agree

Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop

Guys, I’m excited to report I’m featured on the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop today with a piece I wrote a long time ago for BaristaKids and reworked to submit to Erma. It’s about summer camp. Specifically, how we are sending the wrong people. Kids. It’s bullshit. When I read it again this summer, I said, “I think Erma would agree.” So I sent it off, and actually it posted yesterday afternoon a little too late for me to post about it then. So I’m getting the word out now.

If you, like me (and Erma), believe we’ve gotten the summer camp situation all wrong and you want to take a stand against this injustice, go over and read my new and improved piece, The Way Summer Camp Should Be. Because if we don’t band together we’ll never get to be sent off to summer camp for 3 months of summer fun while the kids toil at work, pay the mortgage and clean the bathrooms.

Do you think I'm gonna spend good money to send my kids to do this when I'm the one who should be doing it?

Do you think I’m gonna spend good money to send my kids to a beautiful, bucolic setting to do this when I’m the one who should be doing it? Photo credit: DioceseFDL via photopin cc

For even more fun follow me on Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter. And, never miss a thing by entering your email address right over there –> to the right because I don’t know how to enter it here (I’m a writer not a coder!).

Funny Tweets on Kids #563

Funny Tweets & Tips on Kids

I’m doing Tweetpeat Tuesday on Wednesday. Because I can. First rule of Blog Club is there are no rules in Blog Club. Ok? You can do whatever the hell you want. Which is kind of why I like the internets. Who wants to be hemmed in by rules?

But we have a lot of ground to cover so let’s get right to it, shall we, with a little tip from me to you.

Remember that. It’ll come in handy someday. If you’re ever visiting a zoo and have the urge to crawl into a cage with a wild animal. Did you hear that story last week about the woman who squeezed her way into a giraffe’s cage? I have to say anytime I hear about something like that I think, Well, they got what they deserved. I mean if you are stupid enough to climb into a tiger cage or a polar bear exhibit or the home of a well-meaning giraffe, you deserve to be mauled or kicked in the face or eaten alive. The bars are there for a reason, people. Did the fact that the animals are in a cage not raise any flags?

Funny Tips &Tweets on Kids

*Note the teeth. Photo credit: Karen Roe via photopin cc

As if I haven’t been helpful enough already, I have another useful tip I’ll with share with you.

Well, a hard chair and kids. Kids are a real pain in the butt, too.

It’s worth a shot, right? I’d let the cat take a stab at it if it would get me out of it.

But wait, there’s more –>

Ferguson & The Legacy of Slavery in 2014

12 Years a Slave & Ferguson

My piece, “12 Years a Slave & Furguson, MO,” is featured today on Huffington Post. It’s based on the piece I wrote here last week, but with less focus on the movie and more on the legacy of slavery that still holds today and the spate of killings of young black men at the hands of authorities and self-appointed neighborhood watch leaders in America. I wanted to look at a number of cases throughout the years and across the states, which I did, but I focused mostly on familiar, high-profile cases because if even those cases can’t get justice, what chance does a little-known case with no publicity have? Looking at all the cases was sobering. I hope you’ll go over and take a look because I don’t feel like this topic is a black issue or white issue. I think it’s a human issue.

Thanks.

Photo: Flickr

12 Years a Slave & Ferguson Missouri

I watched 12 Years a Slave over the weekend, and I’ve been depressed ever since. I can’t blame it all on the movie I suppose. I was feeling down before we ever slid the disk into the DVD player, but the movie gave me that extra push into despair I needed.

I knew it wasn’t a good idea to watch the movie. Actually, it was a bad idea. I’d been avoiding the movie ever since it arrived in the mail from Netflix. Although I wanted to watch it, I didn’t want to watch it. I was scared. But Sunday night after my husband had been asking to watch it for several days and I finally accepted the reality that I had to see it some time if I was ever going to get another movie from Netflix again, I agreed.

For the next two and a half hours I watched with a sickening sensation hardening in my stomach. It was like when I saw Saving Private Ryan and cried for two days afterward. But worse. While I knew it was going to be tough to watch, my fear did not match the the relentless brutality. I’m not sure anything could.

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I Don’t Understand

First allow me to start off by wishing you and yours a very merry holiday.

Ok, that was last month, but still. Did you guys know that “National Dance Day” was a day? I’m all for dance – in fact I love to dance – but unless we’re all gonna get a day off to go clubbing, I think it’s time we called an end to naming everything it’s own Goddamn day. Kk? Our morbidly obese nation doesn’t need a National Pancake Day or a National Potato Chip Day or a National Crown Roast of Pork Day. Seriously. That’s a day. The only problem is I wish they could have been a little more specific.

There is the more general Poultry Day, but that only makes me ask: Does anyone really need to be reminded about poultry? “Oh, yeah, chicken. I totally forgot all about chicken.” 

I also question the need, and even more so the desire, for a National Frozen Food Day. Have people ever rejoiced in a cold, hard slab of frozen grey meat? Is frozen food a cause for celebration? “Here, Honey, I got you a Hungry Man dinner for National Frozen Foods Day! I hope you like it!” 

Certainly, we don’t need National Donut Day as if the donut has fallen into disfavor.

Granted, National Dance Day is a healthy and happy holiday, but I still don’t understand why we have it or what it’s for or what it’s suppose to accomplish. In my research of all stupid, made-up holidays I also found many other interesting, non-food related holidays. There’s National Pharmacist Day. Huh? International Dog Biscuit Appreciation day. Wha? National Handwriting Day. Purpose? National If Pets Had Thumbs Day (Ok, now that one we need). And, National Squirrel Appreciation Day. ?? 

Now that's a squirrel I can appreciate.

Now that squirrel has a shot at being appreciated.

But wait, there’s more –>