The 4th of July, Fireworks and Fearing for My Life

The Fourth of July, Fireworks & Fearing

This is my 4th of July post from last year. And the year before. And it will be my 4th of July post forever because every 4th of July is exactly the same. Every 4th of July I fear for my life.

The holiday week kicked off nicely enough with a little father-son bonding time. My husband had decided to take Crazy on an overnight camping trip, which was a special treat. But as I stood in the driveway waving goodbye to them, I started to worry. I hoped my husband wasn’t using “camping” as a euphemism like when parents claim they’re taking your beloved pet to the “farm.”

Thankfully “camping” wasn’t code for “I’m taking him far, far away and tying him to a fencepost, and if anyone happens by who’s in the market for a young, friendly, good-natured male, they can have him.”

But wait, there’s more –>

Batman Unlimited And DC Super Friends Giveaway

Batman Unlimited&DC Super Friends

I’m happy to say I have an exciting giveaway today, and it’s just in time for the endless days of summer when your kids will repeatedly and ceaselessly, until the start of school again in September, ask you, “What are we doing now?” creating the urge to put them out on the curb with a sign reading: “Free to a good home.” With this spiffy toy gift basket giveaway and the new YouTube channels by Warner Bros and DCKids, you won’t have to do that. This little giveaway will save both your family and your sanity. Win win. I’m here, keeping families together since 2012.

To give you a little taste of the new YouTube channels (that will keep your kids occupied for hours no matter where you happen to be) I’m featuring a few of the amazing new, never-before-seen (well, actually they have since they’re on the YouTube channel, but they haven’t been seen by many) videos from Warner Bros. and DCKids. The new Youtube channel includes favorites such as Batman Unlimited, DC Super Friends and Scooby-Doo, which I’m previewing below, and it will have many more updates over the next year, so don’t forget to subscribe to the channels! Click here to subscribe to the DCKids Channel and here for WBKids Channel. And to sweeten the deal Warner Bros and DCKids are giving away 5 mystery toy gift baskets worth a minimum of $50 each. Enter to win below.

Now get your kid over here and check out Batman Unlimited.

There’s also DC Super Friends.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t include Scooby.

Now for the giveaway. Enter to win 1 of 5 toy gift baskets below, and good luck.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

 

You know what else is good for summer? My book. I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE is the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. Get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble. I will love you forever. 

Photo credit: “Comic Art – Batman by Jim Lee (2002)” by Apparent file taken from DC Comics official website. Original file would have been placed on DC’s site for promotional purposes.. Licensed under Fair use via Wikipedia.

25 Reasons I Quit My Job (as a Parent)

25 Reasons I quit My Job

Have you ever had a job where your boss was an ego-centric, power-hungry megalomaniac? Just a cruel tyrant who had no compassion or regard for others? He would call you any hour of the day or night and expect you to jump at his every request? She pitched a fit whenever she didn’t get what she wanted? He doesn’t care if you have a life and treated you like dirt, walking all over you (literally and figuratively)? And you asked yourself, “Why am I putting up with this? I don’t have to take these deplorable conditions.” And, so you finally decide to quit?

That’s what I did. I got sick of the poor treatment, the terrible hours, the abysmal pay. I was pushed to my limit, and finally one day I shouted, “I quit!” It felt good. I was so done with that place. Unfortunately, that place is my home, and I still live there with my tormentors, but at least I don’t have to work for them anymore. Let’s see how they like me now. They’ll regret how they’ve mistreated me. They’re gonna want me back. I know it. But if they do, they are going to have to come up with a pretty nice offer. And, I want a signing bonus.

If you’ve ever felt the same way about the maniacal despots bossing you around in your own home, you might enjoy my list, 25 Reasons I Quit My Job, over on Babble today. My hope is to embolden you and give you the support and encouragement you need to tell your bosses you quit.

Maybe we can even form a union.

If you like this, you’ll love I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. What I’m trying to say is, I’m in this book. Buy it, ok? Get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble, and I will love you forever. 

Photo credit: Mindaugas Dany

Top 10 Things I Learned at BlogU15

Top 10 Things I learned at BlogU15

Guys, I’m not gonna lie. Going to a conference is hard work. But if you’re dedicated, like me, this is what you have to do. This weekend I went to the BlogU blogging conference where they run a pretty tight ship. They keep you going the whole damn time. I guess they want people to get their money’s worth or something, but I’m like, “Hold up, Ladies. I’m gonna need a nap now.” Unfortunately, this year they did not build nap time in the schedule, but all that’s gonna change next year with their new added group nap session. Nicole Leigh Shaw said so and I’m gonna hold her to it. It’s pretty much the only conference in the world that will have a nap session, which automatically makes it the best conference (even though it was already the best conference).

I know not everybody who wanted to go got to go, which is why I’ve written up the Top 10 Things I Learned at BlogU15 highlighting the key elements from the weekend. It will feel like you where there.

Top 10 Things I Learned at BlogU15

10. Talk to people while on line in the bathroom. You never know who you’ll meet, and it totally speeds up the waiting process. I’ve met some of my best friends in bathrooms. At BlogU15 that’s were I ran into The Dusty Parachute at long last. (Another good strategy is to talk to people at the bar. That’s where I found Orange and Silver, but she’s lush.)

9. Bring your A game to the Saturday Night Dance ParTAY, but know that you will always be shown up by Susan Mclean. She had on her badass, ORIGINAL, circa 1985, straight-out-of-her-parent’s-attic, teal and black (because that’s always a winning color combination) New Kids on The Block jacket. And roller skates. ROLLER SKATES. Anyone who shows up to a middle school party, or any party for that matter, in roller skates is the automatic winner. That’s just how it works. The woman simply will not be outdone.

That's me and JZ fomerly known as Jessica Ziegler from Science of Parenthood

That’s me, channeling Madonna, and JZ, formerly known as Jessica Ziegler, from Science of Parenthood. Pretty good, right?

 

But THIS is Susan

But wait, there’s more –>

Waiting for the Fog to Clear

Waiting for the Fog to Clear. -OneFunnyMotha

I almost cried in the food store yesterday. I don’t know why. It happened while I was pushing my cart down the canned vegetable aisle. One minute I was scanning the shelves for black beans and the next I was squeezing my eyelids shut, willing the tears back into their ducts. I didn’t want to be seen crying in the middle of the food store like some kind of lunatic.

Nothing was wrong. Nothing really. And, I like food shopping. Actually, I look forward to food shopping. It’s the one job I can do and be free of all my other obligations. At the food store I have one task to focus on. That’s it. I don’t have to worry about the million and one other things. Just follow the list, and find the stuff on it. Simple.

It happened again in Starbucks. I was looking up at the board trying to decide between a latte and a frapuccino when the tears came. Again, I blinked them back, afraid the barista might see. I turned and left without a drink.

Sometimes I have so many thoughts swimming in my head, I can’t make sense of them all. I can’t think. It feels like a fog has settled in my brain. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Everything seems like bullshit. I don’t know what’s genuine or fake – from the world or myself. I don’t even know what I want to say. So I say nothing. I become paralyzed.

I stare at the computer screen for hours waiting for something to come. Nothing does. Or I write a whole bunch of garbage and delete it all. The stuff I want to write isn’t sellable. The stuff that’s sellable, I don’t want to write. I’m lost.

I waste so much time, so much time, because I don’t know what to do. It makes me more anxious.

I had 8 hours. I got nothing done. How could I not have gotten anything done in EIGHT hours? Oh my God, I’ll never catch up. I’m gonna have to work double-time tomorrow, and I still won’t be able to get everything done. I just wasted two more hours on Facebook. I’m failing.

I try to remain upbeat and positive. I know I have no right to complain so I joke around, but half the time I’m fighting depression. I don’t like to write about depression. It’s depressing.

Last week was the week of doctors. My appointments, my kids’ appointments, every appointment under the God damn sun. I never cancel because then I’ll just have to reschedule for another time that will be equally inconvenient.

Everything’s fine. Just the annual well-care visits. They used to be called check-ups. You’re supposed to schedule them each year around your kids’ birthdays. My kids’ birthdays were over the winter.

I took one kid one day and the other the next because they see different doctors in the same practice and apparently you can’t get both of them on the same day. Which was fine because instead of spending five hours in the waiting room in one day, I spread it out over two back-to-back days. I think it turned out to be quicker that way.

They screen for all sorts of stuff these days – sports and activities, grades, screen time, depression. They gave my daughter a short questionnaire, but it was worded strangely, and they had to ask her to clarify.

“Here you circled you ‘take little interest in things,’ and I just want to make sure you understood the question because it’s a little confusing. Does that mean everything? Even things you like?”

“Oh, no, I like some things,” my daughter answered. “I just meant I take no interesting in the things I don’t like. Not everything.”

Like me, I thought, sitting silently in the chair next to her. Nobody asked me those questions.

I smiled at my daughter and the doctor and the staff and everyone in the world and drove home.

Where I’m still waiting for the fog to clear.

On Having a Pleasant Dinning Experience With Children

This is a LIE.

This is a LIE, people.

It can be done. And I’ll tell you how over on Nurse Mommy Laughs. I’m hanging out there today dispensing more of my pearls of wisdom gleaned through many hard years at this racket. I know of what I speak, people. The thing is I started out like all y’all trying to be good and trying to parent my children right. Then I just wanted to survive, and now my motto is “whatever works.” It’s a gradual process in which your kids slowly beat the will to survive out of you. Happens to everyone. So if you want to cut to the quick and save yourself some trouble, head on over. Because if you ever actually want to taste your food, this is the only answer.

 

Photo Credit

My Advice to the Dad Not Seated with Daughter on an Airline Flight

And to all parents faced this problem when booking a flight and can’t get seats together.

Don’t sit with your kid.

Good luck passenger on the plane seated next to my kid. - OneFunnyMotha.com

Good luck passenger on the plane seated next to my kid. – OneFunnyMotha.com

Are you kidding me? That’s my dream. Do you know how much I would enjoy my flight if I could sit quietly by myself without constant interruption? Bring on the bar cart. Let my kids be someone else’s problem for once. See how they like it. I bet they’ll give up their seat real quick.

You may be familiar with this story that’s been floating around the interwebs the past few days. A dad booked a flight for himself and his daughter online but couldn’t get two seats together. Eleven rows separated him from his his four-year-old child. The dad, Frank Strong, was told he could pay an extra $88 to ensure he’d get a spot next to his daughter or he could wait until he boarded the flight and have the attendant remedy the situation. Understandably, he didn’t want to take the chance and paid the $88.

I recently encountered this “problem” when I took a trip with my family over spring break. We booked four tickets, but only two of them were together. I considered it a blessing. I suggested my husband and I sit together, and let the kids fend for themselves. My husband thought it was a better idea to pair up one parent with one kid. Guess who got that job?

But wait, there’s more –>

Word to Your Mother’s Day

 

Mother's Day by OneFunnyMotha

 

Today I wanted to do a very special Mother’s Day post to go along with my Mother’s Day Week, which is kind of like Shark Week only without the sharks. I think moms deserve a week-long tribute for all we do. Or at least a week free of being hassled in addition to all we do. So I called it.

“This is my week,” I said, “and you people (and by that I meant my family) will listen to me and do what I say without giving me any grief.”

Which made my kids immediately groan, but I cut them off. “FOR A WHOLE WEEK.”

“But, mom…” they protested.

“Those are the rules,” I snapped. “That’s what I want for Mother’s Day.”

I think it’s a very doable request. My kids tend to think otherwise. But, honestly, it’s fairly reasonable when you consider all that a mother is and all she does for her family. I’ve been giving that quite a lot of thought recently in light of the big day in my honor when I will mostly likely cook and clean and look after the kids. So no different than any other day. For about five minutes I thought long and hard about the meaning of the word “mother.” What singular word best describes a mom? What word encompasses the enormity of the job?

Then I turned to the dictionary. I couldn’t come up with anything on my own. My brain is shot people. I have kids. Starting with “f” words (since I’ve noticed the people seem to love “f” words), I perused the fine print. Sadly, there were no adequate “f” words in this instance. So I said to myself, “Self, when you think of mother what word pops into your head?” Instantly I had it. Hard working. But I wanted one word that said it all not two so I turned to my thesaurus, who is always there for me in my time of need (of words that are synonyms for other words), and found the perfect word. Sedulous. It was a word I’d never heard before, but one that perfectly defined a mother.

It means persistently or carefully maintained. What better word could there be? If children aren’t persistently and carefully maintained by their mothers, I don’t know what is.

So I had my word. Unfortunately, I did not have my wish. Throughout the week my kids continued to bicker and complain and neglect their chores and tell me they brushed their teeth when they, in fact, never had any intentions of ever brushing their teeth and stomped their feet when I forced them to go brush their teeth for real. Perhaps that means I’ll be getting the other gift on my wish list. A flask. It’s the gift every mother longs for because if kids are going to continue to moan and groan and be general pains in our arses at least we’ll have liquor cancel out the effects.

Happy Mother’s Day all! May you get exactly what you wish for.

 
Like this? Find even funnier stuff in I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. What I’m trying to say is, I’m in this book. Buy it, ok? Get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble & I will love you forever. 
Photo credit

 

My Kid Has a Potty Mouth

And he got it from me.

My Kid Has a Potty Mouth

I would apologize for this, but I’m not all that sorry. It’s something that simply can’t be helped. Cursing to me is like breathing air. It has to be done. It’s for my survival. Believe me, I held off for a very long time – years and years – while my kids were young, but all those pent up profanities, I think, were giving me an ulcer. I needed to let it out. And, today I have on Scary Mommy.

It’s not like I curse at my kids. Ok, fine, sometimes I do. But they deserve it. And, it’s not like I’m saying it’s the right thing to do. It’s just the right thing for me to do. My point being, we’re only human, and sometimes that humaness shows through. In this whole parenting business, I get a lot right. This is just one area I get wrong. So go check it out over on Scary Mommy, and let me know what you think.

Like this? Find even funnier stuff in I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE, the third installment in The New York Times best-selling series from some of the funniest women on the web. What I’m trying to say is, I’m in this book. Buy it, ok? Get it on AmazonKindleiTunes and Barnes and Noble & I will love you forever. 

Tweetpeat Tuesday: Funny Tweets on Kids #578

Funny Parenting Tweets

Yes, kids are easy targets, but that’s what makes it so much fun. So let’s get to it shall we?

 

She gave birth, didn’t she?

Ah, the joys of parenting.

Oh, hells yeah.  

Which is why…

I mean isn’t that why we send them to school? Learning’s nice and all, but don’t we parents deserve a break? Especially when this happens: But wait, there’s more –>